tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44664420188750588682024-03-13T07:16:06.411-07:00What I Can 't Say Over Therea place where i can say what i want when i wantjust mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-40897170489488034162012-06-04T15:46:00.001-07:002012-06-04T15:46:10.202-07:00Drama Free!!The past few days have been drama free and I like it that way! I have been incredibly busy with my family and I like it that way. We have not heard from BIL#1. I know that eventually we will and I will just deal with it when the time comes. <br />
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I saw GF over the weekend. She went from completely ignoring me to playing nice to asking me to lunch. I agreed, but didn't hear from her today so I'm not holding my breath for that either. And I am also okay with that. <br />
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DD had a sleepover last night. Missed her like mad, but it was good for her to spend time away from Mom and Dad. I so wish I could give her more...........but what parent doesn't want to be able to give their child more (and no, I am not just talking about material things)<br />
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I helped DH go through some of his Dad's things. That was hard. It was emotional. But that was about the biggest drama I have had in days. Just knowing that I am okay, I will be okay, my DD is happy, healthy and adjusting to the changes around us and that DH is going to be there for us at the end of the day is enough for me. I am doing my best not to let what is going on around me get me down. It is hard sometimes, and I do struggle with it, but I am trying. <br />
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One more thing - <br />
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day my Sweet Angel went to heaven. I look forward to the day that I get to see her again. Hard to believe that it has been 4 years! As I said............it is hard sometimes, I struggle with it at times, but I am trying. And I <strong>know</strong> that I <strong>will</strong> be okay!!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-24527589463889066732012-05-30T10:40:00.002-07:002012-05-30T10:40:47.970-07:00BrokenI mentioned before that I had felt like GF had broken my heart and stepped on my spirit. It is a constant. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to not let things get to me. I am trying to keep myself on the high road. I will get these random messages that seem to be from a true friend. I am tempted to just ignore them and go on, but I end up replying and time and again I feel like my spirit is crushed a little more. She says she loves me, loves my family, considers herself my friend. Her actions do not show that. I thought maybe it was just me, but people are starting to ask me what is going on. It is noticed by others that she has nothing much to do with me anymore. It's not just me - is it?????<br />
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BIL#1 came for a visit this past weekend. It was all good for a couple of days, then all hell broke loose! He managed to insult and disrespect every person that still had the misfortune of being in the house at that moment. He left the next day with out speaking to anybody, but still called my MIL and continued to berate her and tell her how horrible she was. He said some horrible things to DH and I to the point that I took DD and left. Of course, she still managed to hear a few things he said and has asked a lot of questions. It will be a while before I can forgive him. I just cannot ever imagine speaking to my family that way. Or anybody!! <br />
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I was feeling very low a couple of days ago. My sweet DD had some very profound words for me. It brought me to my knees and has put things in a new perspective. I am trying. Sometimes you have to be put down and broken to the point where there is no where left to go. I feel like that is where I am. It is time to move up and move on. just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-29169691325491780102012-05-23T08:36:00.001-07:002012-05-23T08:36:26.767-07:00Moving on......This past year has been a roller coaster. A big one. With lots of loops, twists and turns. But at the end of it all, it is really all about moving on.<br />
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I have somewhat come to terms with not being able to have another child. I did become pregnant again, but once again, I was not able to maintain my pregnancy. It is a hard pill to swallow. I am happy with my little family and now that DD is in school it is hard to imagine starting all over again. I would in a heartbeath though if I was able.<br />
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Since I last posted, my FIL was diagnosed with cancer that metastasized to his lungs. After a short but valiant struggle, he passed away this spring. I would love to say that the family really pulled together during this, but honestly, I can't. Most of us aren't speaking much anymore except when we have to. MIL is living with us now, so that is interesting. She has Alzheimer's and is going downhill fast. SIL#3 and I had a big falling out and I was accused of a lot of things that I had no control of. She got really ugly and started a lot of verbal mudslinging about DH and at that point I was done. Let's just say that we have made "peace" with each other, but it will be a long time before it will be the same.<br />
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I applied for another job on a whim, but it had already been filled by the time they got my application and resume. I'm still looking but not actively seeking. It will be really hard to beat the flexibility that my current position allows me. <br />
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In the midst of all this, GF and I were getting closer. Then she started pulling away. We finally started talking about it and I got mad and said some things that never should have been said. I have apologized repeatedly, but it has done no good. She does and says what she wants to me and others now, but refuses to allow me to respond or ask what is meant by her comments. I have tried. She had become like a sister to me and my heart is broken. I feel like she stepped on my spirit. <br />
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So after all of this, the only real choice I have is to move on. I can't go back and I can't stay in this place I am currently in. It is depressing and incredibly lonely. Our family dynamics have changed, I not only have to take care of a husband, daughter but now a grown woman that doesn't always know what I am doing for her or why I am doing it. It is hard. It is not something I would have ever signed up for. Yet I did! No one else stepped up and I couldn't see her go into a home when she had all this family that should be taking care of her. I miss my "sister", but I can't force her to be a part of our lives. Her choice. My choice is to move on with my life without her.<br />
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Summer is upon us and I have big plans for DD and I. We are going to have a lot of fun. Water parks, weekend trips and maybe a few play dates with cousins and friends. I am moving on............with what is important. This petty stuff has no part in my life or my families life!<br />just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-88590807104470261302011-07-06T10:44:00.000-07:002011-07-06T10:44:50.936-07:00W.O.W.That is what I was saying when DH woke me up at 4:00 in the morning to show me SIL#1 relationship status on Face.Book. The look on his face broke my heart. He had to find out on Face.Book that she was divorced. And then in the days that followed, we find out that nobody else in the family knows. Nobody!! So while I have never understood why she has done a lot of what she has done in the last 3 years, now she announces on the internet that she is no longer married but doesn't have the decency to tell her own family. <br />
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In other news, I am seriously thinking about leaving my job. I don't know if it will actually happen....I do have a lot of flexibility currently that I know I would lose and most definitely miss. But I do not like the direction this facility is taking and I honestly don't know how much longer there will be a place for me here. CW#3 is one of the worst examples of a leader that I have ever witnessed. It is harder each day to take direction from him.<br />
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Obviously, since I haven't mentioned it, I haven't gotten pregnant. I took Clomid, I ovulated, never conceived. Took the next month off, ovulated, never conceived. Was going to take Clomid this month, but I honestly never thought about it when the appropriate day came. I did ovulate last month, so I may again. My cycles are getting shorter and shorter so I am ovulating early - very early. I am not expecting anything, but another child in our lives would be such an amazing blessing. DD would love to have a sibling and she is old enough to be an amazing little mommy. I am dreaming - I am wishing - I am hoping. But I am not expecting.<br />
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Again W.O.W<br />
What twists and turns our lives take!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-78280292106172461862011-05-31T07:57:00.000-07:002011-05-31T07:57:59.555-07:00Positive vs NegativeI want to be a positive person. I want the people around me to be positive. As I was thinking about this over the weekend, it hit me that some people in my life come across as being positive but end up having a negative impact on me. Their actions affect me in a negative way. I came to that realization when dealing with SIL#3 over the weekend. She was in a good mood. She was pleasant to be around. She didn't do anything. But that was the problem. She didn't do <em>anything!!!</em> She just sat and let everyone else do it. And it got to me (like it usually does). I bitched and moaned about it every chance I got. Until I got the "slap" on the head (so to speak). Why do I let myself get upset over it. She has always been like that. It's not going to change. What can change is how I react to it. I can stay positive................okay, I can <em>try!</em><br />
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In thinking about all of that yesterday, it also struck me how much of my life over the last few years is very much based on positives and negatives. I mean everything.........right down to us TTC. My life at times is measured by those little +/- signs on a stick! Seriously!!!! How sad is that! I know there have been times when that is all I think about. When I can't focus on anything but the possibility of seeing a positive sign on a test. I am in my forties now. I'm afraid I have missed out on so much by letting the negatives around me lead my life. I need to focus on the positives. I have a hardworking DH that while may not be home much, loves me no matter what. I have a beautiful DD that I absolutely adore. I have a job. I have a house. <br />
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This past weekend was incredible. We spent it together as a family. Since DH hadn't been home, I asked him to please give us the three days. He worked incredibly late a couple of days last week in order to be able to be home with us this weekend. It was worth it. We had so much fun (well, except for having to deal with SIL#3). The weather was perfect and we spent time with friends, family and just on our own. It was so awesome that DD cried today when DH had to leave to go to work. Broke our hearts. But the positive in that was we are good together as a little family of three!! While it was sad to see her so broken and it tugged at our hearts, it made us both smile to know that her tears came from love. <br />
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See, I can be positive ;-)just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-8983175734725443822011-05-25T10:14:00.000-07:002011-05-25T10:14:00.869-07:00BlechThat is how I feel today.....B.L.E.C.H.!<br />
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The clomid worked. I ovulated. I was bitchy. I was in a piss poor mood. I snapped!! Not a good combo! Now I just feel blech! Like I have been used up and spit out. Really want to go home. Really want to go to sleep. I am just so tired all the time. <br />
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DH hasn't been home much (clomid may have been a waste) and so I have been solo parenting. My lovely SIL#3 is still at it and I have lost all patience with it. I guess I have lost all patience with everything. I am probably safer if I am left all alone right now. Did I mention I snapped??? Yeah - wasn't good. <br />
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Anyway, I'm gonna go back and pretend to be busy and pretend to be nice to people :-)just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-33515404472014653692011-05-19T13:43:00.000-07:002011-05-19T13:49:58.094-07:00So much dramaI want a dull boring life. Is that so much to ask? I wouldn't think so. Actually, boring is probably the wrong way to describe what I want. I just want c.a.l.m. As in C.A.L.M.!! I have drama at work......I have drama among a group of friends. And by drama, I mean D.R.A.M.A.!!<br />
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CW#3 is most likely on his way out the door. Only he doesn't realize it yet. I have been drug into meetings regarding him more times than I care to count. He may be clueless, but he isn't stupid and he has got to realize that all these closed doors are not good. I'm not sure why they are dragging this out, but they are. Stressful!!!!<br />
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GF and I along with our DH's and a number of other couples went out one night and ended up in a very large disagreement. GF and I are still on the same page, but a lot of other friendships have been destroyed. A lot of hateful, mean, spiteful things have been said and it can never be taken back. You would think that it is over and done with and while there may be two groups of friends instead of one big group we would all just go about our daily lives and learn to co-exist. You would think so..... But that isn't what has happened. Apparently, there are some that will not move on and just keep on making catty bitchy comments. Unfortunately, GF is taking the brunt of it. I feel horrible for her and I honestly want to be there for her. But with all the drama I am dealing with at work, there are some days I just really don't want to hear about who said or did what anymore. <br />
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In other news. I started my OPK and I have been having a faint second line. Why oh why can't I be one of those that just gets pregnant when I look at a baby???!!!??? <br />
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Toodles!!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-82924413626237254412011-05-17T14:56:00.000-07:002011-05-17T15:13:20.756-07:00Am I crazy?DH and I got away for a couple of days. Just us with no DD ;-)<br /><br />The day before we came home, DH busts out with "I really want another baby." I started looking around behind me to see if he had a younger, more fertile model waiting in the background. There was not. We talked about it for a bit more, but honestly.....I just didn't see it happening. We came home and went about our business. Then I realized I was late. Not just a little late, but a lot late. I kinda freaked (but to myself). I took a test and there was a faint line. The next day I took a second one and there was no second line. The next day I started......and I cramped badly...BADLY!!! But two days later, I was fine. It was weird. So, I was cleaning out a kitchen cabinet that we keep some medicines in that we use. Imagine my surprise when I found 2 months worth of Clomid in there. <br /><br />I prayed. And I prayed some more. And then I prayed some more. And then a childhood friend got in contact with me and while we were chatting, she asked why we had never had anymore kids. I briefly told her and she asked if we ever wanted anymore. I told her that we would have loved to have more kids. Instead of asking me what we had been through or what we were willing to go through, she just said that she was going to get down on her knees and pray that we were blessed with another child. That night, I took a Clomid. (They were still in date) Tomorrow I will start the OPK.<br /><br />I still can't believe I am doing this. And I will be honest and say that I didn't even tell DH about it. I don't want him to get his hopes up. It would be the biggest blessing at this point. Who would have thought. I hate getting my own hopes up, but I am kind of excited about the possibility. I am in my 40's now. The chances are VERY slim. But the possiblility......<br /><br />I am crazy - aren't I????just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-20943535528940462412011-05-17T14:10:00.000-07:002011-05-17T14:54:16.064-07:00LiberationHaving come to terms with different relationships among the family and realizing that things were not going to change, I finally decided, that I didn't care anymore. <br /><br />If <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">SIL</span>#1 wants to life her life as a big fat lie and let her hubby and his girlfriend walk all over her....thank that is her choice. I don't HAVE to pretend anymore. She may want me to, but it doesn't mean I will. I will no longer try to talk around the truth with my DD anymore. If she asks me.....I tell her. It is quiet liberating! <br /><br />If <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">SIL</span>#3 & BIL#3 wants to bring their brood over to our house or the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">IL's</span> house, do not expect us to clean up after you! If you feed your baby, clean up the mess! If you change a diaper, throw it away! I am NOT your maid and I will NOT be treated as such anymore!!!<br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">SIL</span> #2 has been a big blessing to us lately. She comes to visit and does so much to help with the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">IL's</span>. It is very <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">reassuring</span> to know she is there when we need her.<br /><br />If my parents want to think that things are fine....let them! I can't put myself in that place again and I'm certainly not dragging DD there. <br /><br />I have prayed a lot about these different situations and it feels <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">sooo</span> good to have peace about it.just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-24479248179895051452011-04-25T09:51:00.000-07:002011-04-25T10:13:15.918-07:00WOW!!!I only posted once in 2010! So much has happened in the past year yet I really can't rehash a lot of it. Suffice it to say.......<br /><br /><br />SIL #1 and I don't really get along any better. We tolerate each other. Her life hasn't really changed much and therefore her demeanor hasn't really changed much.<br /><br />SIL #3 popped out another kid. I get tired of hearing how hard it is to be a working mom to a houseful of kids. I love those kids and enjoy being around them, but it was their choice.<br /><br />The IL's are in poor health and DH is busy working and trying to take care of them. SIL #1 acts like we are already trying to bury them and BIL #3 has his head in the clouds and thinks everything is A-OK!<br /><br />My parents and I ....... well, let's just say we took a big step backwards in our relationship and it may take a long time to get back where we were. They are my parents and I love them, but really.....you can't treat me or talk to me that way and it'll be a cold day in hell before you do that to my daughter!!!<br /><br />DH and I had a rough patch last year and I wondered if we would pull through. WE DID!!! I love him so much, but he is so clueless sometimes. He is going through his own health issues. It has been a long year already and it is only April!<br /><br />DD is.................well................wonderful!!! She is smart, witty and very loving! She is my shining light through everything!<br /><br />Work is ............ work! A few of my CW's have left and there is a new dynamic here. Some days it works well. Other days it is reminiscent of the old days. <br /><br />Okay....now on to baby news. I pretty much gave up! Had a few "scares" that I was pregnant (not really scared....just used for lack of a better word). I haven't taken any drugs in a long time and have finally started to tell a difference in my body. It makes sense that if it took that long for things to get messed up from them, it would take a while for my body to correct itself. I went to a homeopathic doctor last year and a lot of what he said made sense about my body and hormones and imbalance. It was what I was already thinking. Unfortunately, even though I did physically feel better after seeing him, the imbalance didn't go away and I still never got pregnant. I figure with my luck, I will fall pregnant when I am way beyond the age of it being considered "acceptable". Actually, I am almost there now (insert smile)!<br /><br />I really have a lot more to say, but this is enough for a start.just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-68151702619277290002010-01-28T13:22:00.001-08:002010-01-28T13:32:19.414-08:00The Bad guyI haven't posted in MONTHS!!!<br /><br />I am NOT pregnant!!!<br /><br />I hate my DH's family!!!<br /><br />SIL#1 had her baby. The baby is beautiful and I fell in love. Christmas I remembered that it would have been my little Angel's first Christmas.....I cried! The first Sunday the baby was at church I cried. I was sooooo happy for her that she finally had a sweet bundle of joy. Then it all crashed!<br /><br />I had been hearing rumors for months concerning BIL#1 and a girlfriend. Come to find out it is true. SIL#1 is apparently okay with it and I have gotten reamed out by her, my BIL and my FIL about it because I found pictures of the two of them on the freakin' internet!!!! How is it okay????? I didn't go looking for it! I certainly didn't enjoy finding it. I didn't enjoy showing it to DH. He was crushed, but wanted to make sure is sister is okay. He has always tried to take care of her. Why on earth would you bring a baby into this world knowing that you no longer had a relationship with your spouse and why is all of that my fault???<br /><br />I know that this isn't making a lot of sense, but it would take pages to explain all of it and I don't have the energy.just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-42600839372658647862009-07-24T14:04:00.001-07:002009-07-24T14:09:28.920-07:00BFNI didn't think I was but there is alway the hope. Aunt Flo has not shown up yet and she has been early the last 4 months, soooooo.............last night I POAS. BFN!!! Not surprised but disappointed.just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-36169649249694911682009-07-06T09:45:00.000-07:002009-07-06T09:54:39.200-07:00CD10<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">POAS</span> today..... faint second line!!!<br /><br />In other good news..... the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">meds</span> didn't make me feel ill at all!!!<br /><br />Had a great holiday week-end. Went to BIL #1's house. It was great to get out of town and away from the drama that goes on here with the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">SIL's</span>. DD had a blast playing with other kids her age and we enjoyed relaxing, eating and watching some great movies. It rained most of the weekend, but I really didn't mind. It did rather put a damper on the fireworks, but again.... I really didn't mind!! <br /><br />One bad thing..... DD had a really bad mosquito bite and we discovered it is infected. It looks a lot like the infection she had back in the spring. I am praying really really really really hard that it is much improved by the end of today. She is going to have a holy fit if we have to take her to the doctor to have it cut out. She <em>still</em> talked about the doctor poking and cutting her before!<br /><br />Today is kinda back to reality. We are <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">short staffed</span> at work with no hope in sight of it changing, but I am trying hard to not get stressed over it. I am just trying to focus on getting done what I can and the rest will still be there tomorrow :-0just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-92064159687347021182009-07-01T11:09:00.000-07:002009-07-01T11:19:03.239-07:00CD5It wasn't really a concious decision, but it was a decision nonetheless. AF arrived 3-5 days early. I wasn't happy, but I didn't get overly upset either. I found myself looking at a calendar and I kept focusing on CD3. So that night, I went to the medicine cabinet and dug around and found some of my leftover meds. I am going to give it another shot. It may not lead anywhere and I know that, but I have a sort of "calm" about it all right now. I still want another child, but I am so far removed from the every every 2-3 hour feedings and the diaper changes and the potty training that I have resigned myself to this is it. <br /><br />In other news...... SIL#1 apparently got some bad results on her AFP. Instead of talking to any of us about it, she spent 3 days freaking out and acting like a class A bitch to all of us. We all found out over the weekend after it was all said and done and she had found out that everything was actually fine with the baby. She did find out that it is a baby girl. I am excited that DD is going to have another little girl cousin. But I am still wondering how the rest of the grandkids are going to be treated by MIL once this little bundle arrives.<br /><br />We are supposed to go see BIL#1 this weekend. I am looking forward to it. I desparetly need to get away on a vacation though. DH didn't grow up going on vacations, so he doesn't really see the necessity in them. Therefore, the only time we get away is for family. I NEED A BEACH!!!<br /><br />Don't think anyone is reading this anymore............and that's okay. But if you are reading it, I pray that all is well in your corner of insanity :-)just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-31359009032044151752009-06-08T12:44:00.000-07:002009-06-08T12:57:20.655-07:00Retail TherapyI have to say, last week was pretty bad. But I survived it :-) I finally gave up Friday and left work. I just could not keep myself together. I thought I would go home but I needed to go to <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Wal</span>-mart first. I ended up spending two hours in there. Yup....TWO HOURS!!! That might seem odd to some, but I started on one side of that place and worked almost all of it. I looked at things I absolutely did not need and had no intention of purchasing. I purchased things I had no need for. It was great! I left there feeling better and went and picked up DD to begin our busy weekend.<br /><br />We were on the go constantly from the time I picked her up of Friday until I dropped her off this morning. For me, that was great. For her, she is exhausted. We are supposed to go <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">someplace</span> tonight, but I am going to have to cancel and just go home. <br /><br />I started to contemplate going back on the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Femara</span> and I made up a list of pros and cons. The cons won!!! I thought about <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Clomid</span> again, but the whole uterine lining thing really has me spooked at this point. Plus, I am just plain getting old and I am tired! I want a baby BAD!!! But I think the Lord has another plan for me. I just wish He would go ahead and clue me in!<br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">SIL</span>#1 actually spoke to me yesterday. She actually asked me to spend some time with her. We had seen her on Saturday and it just really wasn't pleasant (but that did not surprise me). So needless to say, I was shocked when when she asked me to go to K-mart with her. I didn't really want to, but I figured if she is offering this "olive branch" I probably need to take it. So off to K-Mart we went. I have to say, I have never really enjoyed shopping with her and I was reminded why. She really just kind of goes and does her own thing. She doesn't talk much, and if you stop to look and something, by the time you look up......she is long gone! She is almost 16 weeks along now and still refuses to buy maternity clothes. She is showing and just wants to get bigger clothes. I don't think she realizes that in just a couple of weeks, those bigger clothes just really aren't going to be big enough. Plus, there are some really cute maternity clothes out there now and you don't have to go around wearing those big old fashioned mu-mu dresses anymore. But whatever floats her boat I guess. My BIL never showed up yesterday. He called to say he had a meeting. Yeah, right! But again - whatever!<br /><br />It is a beautiful day here. Would love to be out in it. In fact, I think I am going to go for a little walk right now :-)just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-81436553864384142512009-06-04T07:50:00.000-07:002009-06-04T08:07:12.270-07:00A part of my heart is in heavenI am proud to say that I still feel blessed. Every time I look at DD's beautiful sweet face, I feel blessed. Every time she reaches out her little hand and places it on my cheek, I feel blessed. Every time she takes those cute little skinny arms and wraps them tightly around my neck, I feel blessed. Every time she lays down next to me and cuddles her little body up to mine, I feel blessed.<br /><br />But I ache and I hurt inside. I have done fairly well over all. But I WANT MY BABY!!! I personally know other ladies that have had miscarriages. They don't seem to ache the way I do. And then I realized - they went on to get pregnant again and had another child. I have not. That is not to say that if I did, I would not still miss the child that I lost, but it seems to make a big difference. I asked GF the other day about it and she told me that at first she felt like the world was going to end. When she did finally get pregnant and have her baby she doesn't really think about it anymore. She says "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I have two beautiful children." I felt like saying "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I also have two beautiful children, but one of them is living in heaven. A part of my heart is also there."<br /><br />I have managed to stay fairly busy. This is good. When I stop, I start to think and the <em>what ifs</em> hit me. That isn't good!!! I couple of people have tried to talk to me about how I am feeling, but I really just can't do it right now. CW#1 remembered and let me know that she was thinking of me. I was really surprised. Then SIL#3 has had me helping her with Sweet Girl's birthday. Out of nowhere, she apologized and said she wasn't thinking and should have just left me alone because she realized how hard it must be for me. I was thankful for the sentiment, but I don't think she has ever realized that even though I love Sweet Girl a lot, I am not able to look at her without realizing what I lost.<br /><br />I wonder how long it takes........just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-75972952202522759642009-06-02T07:06:00.000-07:002009-06-02T07:22:50.031-07:00BlessedI started writing this post early this morning with an entirely different slant.<br /><br />A year ago I was on bed rest in the hopes of saving my baby. Didn't work. A year ago Sweet Girl was born. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">SIL</span>#3 now has me helping to plan her first birthday party. A year ago I thought I was on top of the world. I am not. <br /><br />Last night AF showed up - EARLY!!! <br /><br />I have managed to keep myself together fairly well. I have stayed busy and really tried to just not think about things. This morning, I lost the battle. DH tried to ask me what was going on and I just couldn't talk. He finally guessed about AF and says "Well, I still love you." I could not even reply. Was he <em>not</em> going to love me if I was pregnant??? I finally managed to ask him if he knew what had happened a year ago. "No." I reminded him that WE had lost a child. He apologized and went to get ready for work. I know that men handle things differently. I know that my DH handles things differently. I know that he was not as affected by what happened as I was. I know all of that in my head, but my heart hurt! <br /><br />So there I was having a little pity party and I finally went in to get <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">DD's</span> clothes ready for today. She was laying in her bed awake, so I went over to talk to her and snuggle. It hit me. I AM BLESSED!!! I have a home. I have a vehicle. I have a job. I have a husband. I have a beautiful child. We are fairly healthy. We are not wealthy, but we are not starving. Did I mention that I have a beautiful child? I know that my Sweet Angel is alive......with God. I know that one day I will get to meet her. I am blessed!!! So while I still hurt and my heart still aches, I felt better. <br /><br />I was at a bible class with my parents and someone was talking about being anxious and stressed and upset about things in life and praying for the Lord to take it all away. I am not one to speak up in public, but what they said really struck me. So I told them........... You can ask the Lord for whatever you want. He will answer you. It may not be the answer you want. It may be "no". It may be "not now". But I have found that when there are things that are troubling you and causing you to feel anxious, stressed or upset.............ask the Lord for some peace and the strength to get you through. It is an amazing feeling to realize that you have been given that gift of peace of mind. It is a true blessing. I have prayed for peace many times over the course of my journey with IF. Sometimes, I get it and sometimes I don't. This morning I did, but in a different way. I found it in the arms of my daughter. I found my blessings.just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-59168219320999190722009-05-27T10:52:00.001-07:002009-05-27T11:40:54.498-07:00Busy, Busy and still nothing to show for itWOW!!! <br /><br /> - I can't believe I have gone from posting every few days to every few weeks. I feel like life is going nonstop. I guess this is a good thing, because it stops me from thinking. But once it hits me.....it usually feels like I have been punched in the gut. Case in point ............. standing in a store last week watching my family sort through some of the racks. I leaned against the wall to "take a load off". It hit me .............. the last time I was in that particular store, I was pregnant and purchased some maternity clothes and baby items. 10 days later I miscarried. SLEDGE HAMMER! I just started to bawl.<br /><br /> - DD and I had a good time with the family. I am glad I went. I don't look forward to family reunions, but I want DD to know her family. I think she had a good time. She certainly got a lot of attention. And of course people kept asking if she wanted to be a big sister :-( Bless her, but each time she would reply "My baby sister is in heaven with the angels." And no, I did not coach her to say that. She came up with that all on her own.<br /><br /> - My relationship with SIL#1 is come to a halt. I have never gone into the background of things, but her and I did not get along for years. It was amazing to me when we finally did. I loved it. I never had a sister and DH loves his, so I was happy for all of us that we were finally getting along. Then BIL#1 and his "friend" happened. And by "friend" I mean "girlfriend". It was horrible!!! But he came home. We thought all was good. Unfortunately, I have just recently found out that his "friend" is still around. SIL#1 thinks everything is going great in her life. She is pregnant, her husband is home and they are going to have a little family. But I keep getting phone calls from other people telling me things about BIL#1 and his "friend". I tried to mention some of this to SIL#1, and she knows that the "friend" is still around and has even heard some of the rumors, but she honestly thinks nothing is going on. She still thinks I may have had something to do with his "friend" finding out she is pregnant. I haven't seen her since Mother's Day and it was very awkward and uncomfortable. She and DD are very close, but I don't need DD around this situation. I really think it is all going to blow up and it isn't going to be pretty.<br /><br /> - I am currently in a new 2ww. I have no symptoms, but the last two months I have had a ton of them and obviously wasn't pregnant. So, I am just trying to wait...............patiently.............not one of my best talents :-)<br /><br />Hope everyone is doing well. Leslie, I can't wait for another update!!!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-68758219392368472912009-05-12T13:11:00.000-07:002009-05-12T13:21:55.749-07:00Not much....I have written so many posts in my mind and had so many topics and things to say. Now.... I don't have much. <br /><br />Discovered that my positive OPK was just a fluke. <br />Aunt Flo made a raging comeback.<br />DD has still not been well.<br />DH is working a lot.<br />I have been working a lot.<br />Work has been hell.<br /><br />I need a vacation!!! And the only break I am getting is a 14 hour road trip with DD and I to go to a small family reunion. AM I NUTS!~?~!~? YES!! <br /><br />I am going to go ahead and use the OPK's this week to see what is going on, but most likely, if my body does cooperate, it will be when I am out of town. Then of course, I will be wondering the entire time I am gone if this is it. Is this the month. Even though I have stopped taking the drugs, I just can't seem to stop living this two week cycle. I guess I have been doing it for so long that it is just habit and a way of life for me.<br /><br />SIL#1 is now 12 weeks along. We are also no longer speaking. Let's just say that her husband has a little "friend" on the side and she (the little "friend") has accused me of something (I have NEVER even had a one on one conversation with this tramp) and they have chosen to believe her over me. Nice, huh! So I have pretty much pulled myself out of their lives. Since we are in the same family, we still have to see each other, and my DD adores them so it is a little hard. But I will no longer be sending her to stay with them, or to spend any amount of time with them alone. I just can't believe that they are choosing this little two bit hussy over family and that my SIL is actually going along with this. Unbelievable!!!<br /><br />On that note, I must go!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-5519065062136952032009-04-30T10:15:00.000-07:002009-04-30T10:39:36.628-07:00MothersI think every woman in the world wishes and dreams for a wonderful relationship with their mother. I have some friends that have that type of relationship. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. Now don't get me wrong....I love my mother, but with us, it was always been a lot of work to get along. Growing up was a struggle. She didn't understand children and sometimes just really didn't get why I was the way I was (does that make any sense at all?). Plus, my mother was verbally abused as a child. But since she was the "good girl" she never fought back - she just took it. That behavior carried over into adult hood. She was very, very young when I came along, and since she didn't "do" kids, she really had no idea what to do with one of her own. I knew she loved me, but I never felt like she "liked" me. She took care of me, she sewed so I always had pretty clothes to wear, she cooked so I always had food to eat. But some of my most vivid memories are of her yelling or screaming at me. This continued until I was an adult and I walked out one day.<br /><br />My parents don't come to visit very often. They came at Christmas and it was a major disaster!!! I did not speak to them for weeks (actually a couple of months). When I found out they were coming again, I was so nervous. Not really for me, but for DD. I want her to have a relationship with them, but I desperately need for it NOT to be like my relationship with them. Is that even possible????? I have to say that their stay with us went well. Was it a roaring success..................No. But it was not the disaster that it had previously been.<br /><br />DD & I went to visit them about a year ago. When I heard my mother speaking to DD the way I remember her speaking to me, I just about had a meltdown. I informed her that her behavior was not appropriate, I would take care of it and I grabbed up DD and we went into our room. I have not been back since. We usually go and visit them twice a year, but I just didn't have it in me. It is one thing for me to have to deal with it, but I am not putting DD through it. DH hasn't been to see them in over two years. I honestly don't know when I will get him to go back.<br /><br />While they were here, it was decided that I would go and visit them next month. I am trying to get DH to come with us, but so far no luck. The only reason I agreed to do this is because there will be other family there, so I am hoping that it is enough of a buffer that my mother will behave. I will admit, I am really nervous about it.<br /><br />I understand that you continue the behavior you were raised with and what you know. I find myself losing my temper with DD and I have to almost literally pull myself back and walk away. I do not want to treat my daughter that way. What I don't understand is why my mother does not see what she has done to our relationship. She treats my father the same way. I am still amazed that they are still married! I have found myself at times treating DH the way I have seen her treat my father. I always feel like such a dog. He usually just tells me that I am acting like my mother (which of course I HATE when he does that) and he is usually right.<br /><br />Anyway, for those of you that have a wonderful relationship with your mothers, you are truly blessed. I am very thankful for my mother. I love her and I know that she loves me and my family, but she is definitely not the person I turn to first. How sad is that :-(just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-75173003056024538692009-04-21T07:57:00.001-07:002009-04-30T10:38:52.006-07:00Betrayed and moving on...I have written this post in my head a hundred times over the last couple of weeks. The <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">original</span> title was just "Betrayed"..........but as usual as time goes on you realize you are "moving on". So....let's go back to the beginning. (Word of warning to anyone that is actually still reading this...this could be a long one :-))<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Femara</span>....what I am now calling the drug of the devil. I HATED that stuff. I felt horrible while I was on it. I had constant headaches, I was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">nauseous</span> whether I ate or not, I was incredibly moody and I had absolutely no desire for anything (and I mean anything!!!). Now when a person feels like this..........do they really think they are going to be in the mood at any point to attempt to <em>make</em> a baby. NOT!!! Now to the betrayed feelings.......... I was feeling betrayed by everything............. first my body for not performing as a females body should (as in not ovulating and making a baby like it is designed to), therefore, I was feeling betrayed by God (he obviously did not make me correctly). I was betrayed by the drugs (with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Clomid</span> I was able to conceive but it only ended up keeping my body from carrying a baby. With <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Femara</span> I just felt like s**t). I was feeling betrayed by DH (this was the real kicker ......... due to how I felt with the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Femara</span>, we were fighting constantly and we both said a LOT of hurtful, hateful things). I felt betrayed by my family (they just don't get it .......... I cannot get pregnant and carry a child ........... I lost my baby). And then as stupid as it sounds, I felt betrayed by the fact that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">SIL</span>#1 is pregnant (I am happy for her, but I can admit and own it ----- I am jealous!!).<br /><br />So, putting all of my "betrayed" feelings aside (and there is really more to all of that, but really, at this point it just doesn't matter), while I was busy feeling betrayed by everything and everyone, including myself, and having myself a big old pity party, DD ends up <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">incredibly</span> sick, has to have surgery on her little leg and even though she is <em>healing</em>, she still hurts and is not back to 100%. I felt <em>horrible!!</em> I could not believe I let it get to the point that she had to have her leg cut open to clean out an infection. Everyone keeps telling me that it happens and there I was nothing I could have done, but I should have paid more attention to the "bug bite" (it really wasn't a bug bite), her moods and the fact that <em>she had a fever!!</em> So I have been doing a lot of snuggling with her and she seems to be okay with that. I finally sent her back to school yesterday, but I only left her there for half a day. I am almost afraid to let her out of my sight now. Silly, I know, but that is just how it is. And yes, I am going to pick her up early today too!!!<br /><br />Now for the moving on..... <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">SIL</span>#1 had her u/s. She has one little bean and is doing very well. She still did not want to really talk about it and that was fine with me. She showed me the u/s sound pics a couple of days ago and I found myself getting really excited. I am going to be an aunt again. I have prayed for so long that she would have a child and be able to experience what I have with DD. Lord willing, she is going to. That makes me smile. (and yes, I am still jealous). DH and I made up ............ but I unfortunately, have not been able to forget most of what was said. It is going to take some time for us to completely heal from this one. But we are trying to get on with things. I had not told me that I had quit the drugs. He noticed last week that the bottle was not in its usual place and he finally came and asked me if it was "O" time (ovulation). I said no.............. I quit taking them. He was silent for a minute and just said okay and went on. He made his peace a long time ago that we would most likely only have DD and that was it. I wish it was so easy for me :-( Anyway, I was then cleaning out some drawers in the bathroom over the weekend and found an unopened box of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">OPK's</span> ............. so what is a girl that has decided to quit <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">TTC</span> to do with them ............. why pee on them of course!!! Saturday, Sunday, Monday.....nothing. Did not surprise me since I was not taking any <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Femara</span>. This morning - POSITIVE. I just about fell off the toilet! And where was DH you may ask - OUT OF TOWN! He will be back tonight, but I will be out. I know that by the time I get home, I will most likely be exhausted, but who knows. Of course there is still the issue of my overgrown uterine lining due to the extended <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Clomid</span> use - but as of this moment in time, I am not feeling quiet so betrayed. My body is moving on and doing what it is supposed to :-)<br /><br />Oh - - - and my parents are coming for the weekend. Like I really need that right now!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-19114482346670196932009-04-15T10:15:00.000-07:002009-04-15T10:19:42.425-07:00MRSAAs bad as I have been feeling lately about life in general, it has all been put on hold. Yesterday I won the "bad mother of the year" award. I had been putting stinkin' benedryl on a bump on DD's leg for a week now. Yesterday the bump grew, swelled and exploded. Do you know what it was...................STAPH infection!!!! The doctor actually said MRSA! She ended up having to be cut open last night to have the crud removed. I am still in shock! That stuff can kill you!!!! I am scared to death now that it is somewhere else inside of her and she is going to get sick, and sicker and die! All because I was too consumed by my own self pity to notice the bump was changing. Talk about a wake up call!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-46652186381974931632009-04-07T12:22:00.000-07:002009-04-07T12:32:23.697-07:00I am hereSo much has changed for me in the last couple of weeks. I am really not sure where to start, so most of it may have to wait for a few more days while I still work on sorting it out in my head. <br /><br />First and foremost is........<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">SIL</span> #1 is having her first ultrasound on Thursday. I am so excited for her to see her little bean(s). I have been fervently praying that all is well within her womb. She has been to this point before only to discover that it was an ectopic. She is still trying to stay low key about it all, but I know that deep down, she must be a bundle of nerves.<br /><br />As for me..........I am in a survival mode right now. Life is super busy and even though I really need to take some time for me and get some things settled within myself, I just really don't have the time. I will only say right now, that I am no longer going to be <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">TTC</span>. There is a lot behind all of that, but if I try to go into it all right now, you will still be reading about it tomorrow. I will also ask for prayers............I am really struggling right now. Things in life have not worked out the way I had envisioned and I am .................. surviving!just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-35097169523708035282009-03-24T10:49:00.001-07:002009-03-24T11:05:39.287-07:00And the drama continues....Even though I have struggled with NOT being pregnant at the moment and struggling to even get that way, I am genuine in my happiness for SIL#1. This weekend, I took DD out and told her we needed to get a little gift for a baby. I didn't tell her what was going on (at her age, she isn't the best secret keeper), and she helped to pick out a cute little bear. It had some markings on it that were very appropriate to DD nickname. I wrapped it all up that night and made a nice card to go with it. Sunday when it was just DD, SIL#1 and I, I had DD give it to her. She opened it, thanked us, never opened the card and threw it all in the back seat. I thought that was a little weird, but went on. After about 10 minutes, she started asking me some pregnancy related questions and told me that she was trying to stay calm and not get her hopes up. Their first IVF attempt came back positive but ended up being an ectopic, so she was trying to just lay low. <em>I </em>completely understood. But I was still happy for her and wanted her to know that and to know that we were still praying and would continue to do so. After lunch, SIL#1 just got up and left. DD was heartbroken and SIL#3 thought she had said something or done something to offend her (she sometimes thinks the world revolves around her). That evening at the IL's house, my MIL cornered me wanting to let me know that SIL#1 was <em>very</em> upset that I knew what was going on. I was instructed to <em>not</em> repeat a word of any of it to <em>anyone</em>. WHAT~!~! The only reason I knew anything to begin with was because <em>she</em> had told us.............in the middle of a store!!!!<strong><em> </em></strong>I was livid! I stayed calm and told my her that I knew what was going on because she had told us. I had not been going around telling anyone (except on here and no one here knows me IRL). I told MIL to tell her that going forward, I was not going to ask her anything. She could come to me. <br /><br />Imagine my surprise last night when SIL#1 actually called me to update me :-) Apparently MIL did not remember telling me anything last week (she is getting a tad bit forgetful in her old age), and kept insisting that I had to have gotten my info someplace else. SIL#1 knows that MIL's mind is not what it used to me and realized that she probably should not tell her anything until she is certain. (Is any of this making any sense?) Anyway......SIL#1 was tested again yesterday and her levels are up..............yippeeee!!!! She is going to test again on Friday and then they will schedule and u/s.just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4466442018875058868.post-53231118594092928922009-03-20T13:40:00.000-07:002009-03-20T13:50:52.740-07:00It was a success!SIL#1 had her pregnancy test yesterday.............POSITIVE!!! She is pregnant!!! She is now scheduled to have an u/s in three weeks. After 3 rounds of IVF she if finally pregnant. I am now praying that nothing happens. After her first round, she tested positive and the next day discovered that it was ectopic. I am so incredibly happy for her. They have been married close to 20 years. Can you imagine having baby after being married that long??????<br /><br />As you can see I am trying to remain upbeat. I AM very excited about her having a baby. I AM also incredibly sad that it isn't me. After 1 day I have already noticed that things are going to change. SIL #1 is my MIL's only daughter. Even though she already has grandchildren, it is going to be different with this child(ren). When I talked to her yesterday, she could hardly contain her excitement. She was soooooo not like that when I was pregnant (either time). It makes me sad for DD and her cousins. I pray that it doesn't show too much with them, but I am already scared that it will (and we have only known for 1 day).<br /><br />I just took my last dose of Femara for this month. I bought a new box of OPT for be to begin with this weekend. I have had a horrible headache for 2 days now and I am just flat out in the dumps. Doesn't really make me want to attempt the business of conception (if you know what I mean). I feel like I am starting to become obsessed with having a baby. I have GOT to get a grip on all of this and find a happy medium. DH and I are starting to rub each other the wrong way and I know that most of it is ME!!!<br /><br />Leslie...........how are you doing??? I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best!!! Still praying......just mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06553073326644561966noreply@blogger.com0