Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Is anybody out there?

No one has found me on here yet. I have to say....I like it! I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone read this and wanted to 'converse' with me. But I really do like being able to just say what is on my mind.

Let's start today with the trip and GF. It went okay. I just put everything aside and enjoyed the weekend. Will I do it again? Probably not. Since the trip, we have talked once....I, of course, called her. I will also need to call her again to wish her a happy birthday. I certainly don't want her holding it over my head that I didn't do that. After that, we will just have to wait and see. We were supposed to get together last week, before the trip and she had to cancel. She mentioned that we would get together this week, but I doubt it will happen. I really need to get past the idea of having all these friends. I'm not in high school and I really don't need to be part of a 'clique' anymore. There is another issue now with her, but I will get to that in a moment.

The next thing for today is my 2ww which is now over. In fact it ended early. While I was out of town. I was devestated. I had felt kind of odd all day and kept wondering if I was starting, but each time I would go and check, all was still good. By that evening, I had started to convince myself that I might actually get a BFP once I got home. I remember standing up from my chair to get something and sitting right back down. I knew. There was no doubt. AF had arrived. I didn't even bring any 'supplies' with me. So I ended up asking GF for some. When I followed her to get them, she turned to me and came right out and asked me what was going on. When I didn't answer (frankly, because I couldn't for the big lump in my throat), she knew. She then figured out that I had been back on the Clomid. Let me pause here to say that when we were trying to get pregnant the first two times, she was my IF buddy. She had been through it and understood (to a point) what I was going through. This time however, I had told NOBODY that I was back on the Clomid. Now back to the story...She put 2 and 2 together and came up with 4. I will have to say, that she was very supportive and she did her best to comfort me, but then the next day, it was like nothing had happened. Some of that was my fault, because I did start to act like everything was fine. But I just really didn't want her to know.

As for the Clomid and IF. I had decided that if I wasn't pregnant this time, I was going to take a month off to get myself through the holidays and then try again next month. But all I can think of right now is getting pregnant. I am getting older and I really don't know if I have that much time left (or eggs). So tonight I begin another round of the stuff. I am dreading it in the sense that I am afraid for myself and my moods, but excited enough that I have already been counting out the days to see when to start the OPK testing and to get an idea of when I might ovulate. Let me just say that DH is going to be one very happy man this year for Thanksgiving :-)

The next thing is SIL and Christmas. I have 3 SIL's and all three are very different. One I don't see very often (she will be SIL#2), but she is the sweetest thing and would do anything for you. She does get her feelings hurt easily, and she forgives easily, but she never forgets. SIL#1 was very hard to deal with for many years, but we seem to have an understanding now and get along pretty good. She will be the one to raise DD if anything should happen to us. Now SIL#3 is a brat most of the time. She is the baby in her family and she gets what she wants. This year she has decided that she does not want to participate in our Christmas. She doesn't want to spend the money on any one but her kids (that is exactly what she told me). Let me tell you something, there is no more room in their house for anything else. She has never gotten rid of a single toy in 5 years!!! She is constantly complaining about how tight money is, but then turns around and bought a motorized car for Wild Child, not to mention purchasing kids clothes at the expensive shops instead of the discount stores or consignment shops. She told me about Christmas over a month ago and only just told MIL and SIL#1 this past weekend. They are NOT happy! I didn't mind that she didn't want to do Christmas, it really was more the way she told me and I am guessing she didn't do it any nicer with them. Again, it is not the fact that she didn't want to participate, but that it was definitely more about what she could get than what she could give.

OK, that is enough venting for one day. I need to make a note to call GF for her birthday this week and maybe even see about going out at some point. I need to remember to go to the drugstore to pick up my moody pills (Clomid) and remember to take one tonight. I need to pray!!!


Monday, November 10, 2008

No Title

I would apologize for not posting, but since nobody is reading this but me, that I guess it is all good.

My last post was about GF, and I guess this post will in some ways also be about her. She needs something from me again before we go on this trip so she has been calling again. But she never asks how I am, or how DH is or how DD is or how life in general is. I find out things about her through the grapevine, so I thought she might have already known some things, but I just talked to her and mentioned something about when I was sick a few weeks ago and she had no clue what I was talking about. Now, in all fairness, I have not called her to ask about her life. But, when I was trying to call and talk, she would talk about herself, her life, her kids and then would have to rush off the phone. Or if I had to leave a message, she just wouldn't call back. I will admit, that I gave up. I saw her today, I am supposed to see her tomorrow (if I don't cancel on her, and I am so tempted to do so) and then we have the trip. We were supposed to be together for 4 days, but she is only going for a couple of days now. (and she is the one that talked me into this trip months ago......Aaaagggghhhh). I guess I will wait and see what next week holds, but I am guessing that after this trip, I won't hear from her again for a long time.

In other news...CLOMID. I am in my 2ww, actually I only have one week left of it. I am moody. I am prone to crying. I am prone to yelling. I am having issues with NOT being pregnant. I don't know if I have mentioned it or not, but I have had a previous miscarriage and I am having a hard time with having to be on the Clomid instead of learning what sex my baby is and feeling those sweet little kicks now and again. I thought I was done with the stuff and it was a really hard decision to take it again. I am also starting to gain some weight with it. I had been on for so long before that I think I had forgotten (or just gotten used to) how it made me feel and what all it did to my body. If the Lord doesn't bless us this month, I am thinking I may take a month off and give my body (and my mind) a break. But on the other hand, 40 is knocking at my door and I don't want to miss an opportunity.

Guess that is all for now. I will try to be better about posting this week, but with the trip, I know I won't be around for a few days. I am hoping that this trip and the chaos surrounding my friendship with GF will keep my mind occupied and before I know it, it will be a week from now and I will get a BFP pregnancy test.