Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Positive vs Negative

I want to be a positive person.  I want the people around me to be positive.  As I was thinking about this over the weekend, it hit me that some people in my life come across as being positive but end up having a negative impact on me.  Their actions affect me in a negative way.  I came to that realization when dealing with SIL#3 over the weekend.  She was in a good mood.  She was pleasant to be around.  She didn't do anything.  But that was the problem.  She didn't do anything!!!  She just sat and let everyone else do it.  And it got to me (like it usually does).  I bitched and moaned about it every chance I got.  Until I got the "slap" on the head (so to speak).  Why do I let myself get upset over it.  She has always been like that.  It's not going to change.  What can change is how I react to it.  I can stay positive................okay, I can try!

In thinking about all of that yesterday, it also struck me how much of my life over the last few years is very much based on positives and negatives.  I mean everything.........right down to us TTC.  My life at times is measured by those little +/- signs on a stick! Seriously!!!! How sad is that!  I know there have been times when that is all I think about. When I can't focus on anything but the possibility of seeing a positive sign on a test.  I am in my forties now.  I'm afraid I have missed out on so much by letting the negatives around me lead my life.  I need to focus on the positives.  I have a hardworking DH that while may not be home much, loves me no matter what.  I have a beautiful DD that I absolutely adore.  I have a job. I have a house. 

This past weekend was incredible.  We spent it together as a family. Since DH hadn't been home, I asked him to please give us the three days.  He worked incredibly late a couple of days last week in order to be able to be home with us this weekend.  It was worth it.  We had so much fun (well, except for having to deal with SIL#3).  The weather was perfect and we spent time with friends, family and just on our own.  It was so awesome that DD cried today when DH had to leave to go to work.  Broke our hearts.  But the positive in that was we are good together as a little family of three!! While it was sad to see her so broken and it tugged at our hearts, it made us both smile to know that her tears came from love. 

See, I can be positive ;-)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


That is how I feel today.....B.L.E.C.H.!

The clomid worked.  I ovulated.  I was bitchy.  I was in a piss poor mood.  I snapped!!  Not a good combo!  Now I just feel blech!  Like I have been used up and spit out.  Really want to go home.  Really want to go to sleep.  I am just so tired all the time. 

DH hasn't been home much (clomid may have been a waste) and so I have been solo parenting.  My lovely SIL#3 is still at it and I have lost all patience with it. I guess I have lost all patience with everything.  I am probably safer if I am left all alone right now.  Did I mention I snapped??? Yeah - wasn't good. 

Anyway, I'm gonna go back and pretend to be busy and pretend to be nice to people :-)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

So much drama

I want a dull boring life.  Is that so much to ask? I wouldn't think so.  Actually, boring is probably the wrong way to describe what I want.  I just want c.a.l.m. As in C.A.L.M.!! I have drama at work......I have drama among a group of friends.  And by drama, I mean D.R.A.M.A.!!

CW#3 is most likely on his way out the door.  Only he doesn't realize it yet.  I have been drug into meetings regarding him more times than I care to count.  He may be clueless, but he isn't stupid and he has got to realize that all these closed doors are not good.  I'm not sure why they are dragging this out, but they are.  Stressful!!!!

GF and I along with our DH's and a number of other couples went out one night and ended up in a very large disagreement.  GF and I are still on the same page, but a lot of other friendships have been destroyed.  A lot of hateful, mean, spiteful things have been said and it can never be taken back.  You would think that it is over and done with and while there may be two groups of friends instead of one big group we would all just go about our daily lives and learn to co-exist.  You would think so..... But that isn't what has happened.  Apparently, there are some that will not move on and just keep on making catty bitchy comments.  Unfortunately, GF is taking the brunt of it.  I feel horrible for her and I honestly want to be there for her.  But with all the drama I am dealing with at work, there are some days I just really don't want to hear about who said or did what anymore. 

In other news.  I started my OPK and I have been having a faint second line.  Why oh why can't I be one of those that just gets pregnant when I look at a baby???!!!???


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Am I crazy?

DH and I got away for a couple of days. Just us with no DD ;-)

The day before we came home, DH busts out with "I really want another baby." I started looking around behind me to see if he had a younger, more fertile model waiting in the background. There was not. We talked about it for a bit more, but honestly.....I just didn't see it happening. We came home and went about our business. Then I realized I was late. Not just a little late, but a lot late. I kinda freaked (but to myself). I took a test and there was a faint line. The next day I took a second one and there was no second line. The next day I started......and I cramped badly...BADLY!!! But two days later, I was fine. It was weird. So, I was cleaning out a kitchen cabinet that we keep some medicines in that we use. Imagine my surprise when I found 2 months worth of Clomid in there.

I prayed. And I prayed some more. And then I prayed some more. And then a childhood friend got in contact with me and while we were chatting, she asked why we had never had anymore kids. I briefly told her and she asked if we ever wanted anymore. I told her that we would have loved to have more kids. Instead of asking me what we had been through or what we were willing to go through, she just said that she was going to get down on her knees and pray that we were blessed with another child. That night, I took a Clomid. (They were still in date) Tomorrow I will start the OPK.

I still can't believe I am doing this. And I will be honest and say that I didn't even tell DH about it. I don't want him to get his hopes up. It would be the biggest blessing at this point. Who would have thought. I hate getting my own hopes up, but I am kind of excited about the possibility. I am in my 40's now. The chances are VERY slim. But the possiblility......

I am crazy - aren't I????


Having come to terms with different relationships among the family and realizing that things were not going to change, I finally decided, that I didn't care anymore.

If SIL#1 wants to life her life as a big fat lie and let her hubby and his girlfriend walk all over her....thank that is her choice. I don't HAVE to pretend anymore. She may want me to, but it doesn't mean I will. I will no longer try to talk around the truth with my DD anymore. If she asks me.....I tell her. It is quiet liberating!

If SIL#3 & BIL#3 wants to bring their brood over to our house or the IL's house, do not expect us to clean up after you! If you feed your baby, clean up the mess! If you change a diaper, throw it away! I am NOT your maid and I will NOT be treated as such anymore!!!

SIL #2 has been a big blessing to us lately. She comes to visit and does so much to help with the IL's. It is very reassuring to know she is there when we need her.

If my parents want to think that things are fine....let them! I can't put myself in that place again and I'm certainly not dragging DD there.

I have prayed a lot about these different situations and it feels sooo good to have peace about it.