Thursday, April 30, 2009


I think every woman in the world wishes and dreams for a wonderful relationship with their mother. I have some friends that have that type of relationship. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. Now don't get me wrong....I love my mother, but with us, it was always been a lot of work to get along. Growing up was a struggle. She didn't understand children and sometimes just really didn't get why I was the way I was (does that make any sense at all?). Plus, my mother was verbally abused as a child. But since she was the "good girl" she never fought back - she just took it. That behavior carried over into adult hood. She was very, very young when I came along, and since she didn't "do" kids, she really had no idea what to do with one of her own. I knew she loved me, but I never felt like she "liked" me. She took care of me, she sewed so I always had pretty clothes to wear, she cooked so I always had food to eat. But some of my most vivid memories are of her yelling or screaming at me. This continued until I was an adult and I walked out one day.

My parents don't come to visit very often. They came at Christmas and it was a major disaster!!! I did not speak to them for weeks (actually a couple of months). When I found out they were coming again, I was so nervous. Not really for me, but for DD. I want her to have a relationship with them, but I desperately need for it NOT to be like my relationship with them. Is that even possible????? I have to say that their stay with us went well. Was it a roaring success..................No. But it was not the disaster that it had previously been.

DD & I went to visit them about a year ago. When I heard my mother speaking to DD the way I remember her speaking to me, I just about had a meltdown. I informed her that her behavior was not appropriate, I would take care of it and I grabbed up DD and we went into our room. I have not been back since. We usually go and visit them twice a year, but I just didn't have it in me. It is one thing for me to have to deal with it, but I am not putting DD through it. DH hasn't been to see them in over two years. I honestly don't know when I will get him to go back.

While they were here, it was decided that I would go and visit them next month. I am trying to get DH to come with us, but so far no luck. The only reason I agreed to do this is because there will be other family there, so I am hoping that it is enough of a buffer that my mother will behave. I will admit, I am really nervous about it.

I understand that you continue the behavior you were raised with and what you know. I find myself losing my temper with DD and I have to almost literally pull myself back and walk away. I do not want to treat my daughter that way. What I don't understand is why my mother does not see what she has done to our relationship. She treats my father the same way. I am still amazed that they are still married! I have found myself at times treating DH the way I have seen her treat my father. I always feel like such a dog. He usually just tells me that I am acting like my mother (which of course I HATE when he does that) and he is usually right.

Anyway, for those of you that have a wonderful relationship with your mothers, you are truly blessed. I am very thankful for my mother. I love her and I know that she loves me and my family, but she is definitely not the person I turn to first. How sad is that :-(

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Betrayed and moving on...

I have written this post in my head a hundred times over the last couple of weeks. The original title was just "Betrayed"..........but as usual as time goes on you realize you are "moving on". So....let's go back to the beginning. (Word of warning to anyone that is actually still reading this...this could be a long one :-))

Femara....what I am now calling the drug of the devil. I HATED that stuff. I felt horrible while I was on it. I had constant headaches, I was nauseous whether I ate or not, I was incredibly moody and I had absolutely no desire for anything (and I mean anything!!!). Now when a person feels like they really think they are going to be in the mood at any point to attempt to make a baby. NOT!!! Now to the betrayed feelings.......... I was feeling betrayed by everything............. first my body for not performing as a females body should (as in not ovulating and making a baby like it is designed to), therefore, I was feeling betrayed by God (he obviously did not make me correctly). I was betrayed by the drugs (with Clomid I was able to conceive but it only ended up keeping my body from carrying a baby. With Femara I just felt like s**t). I was feeling betrayed by DH (this was the real kicker ......... due to how I felt with the Femara, we were fighting constantly and we both said a LOT of hurtful, hateful things). I felt betrayed by my family (they just don't get it .......... I cannot get pregnant and carry a child ........... I lost my baby). And then as stupid as it sounds, I felt betrayed by the fact that SIL#1 is pregnant (I am happy for her, but I can admit and own it ----- I am jealous!!).

So, putting all of my "betrayed" feelings aside (and there is really more to all of that, but really, at this point it just doesn't matter), while I was busy feeling betrayed by everything and everyone, including myself, and having myself a big old pity party, DD ends up incredibly sick, has to have surgery on her little leg and even though she is healing, she still hurts and is not back to 100%. I felt horrible!! I could not believe I let it get to the point that she had to have her leg cut open to clean out an infection. Everyone keeps telling me that it happens and there I was nothing I could have done, but I should have paid more attention to the "bug bite" (it really wasn't a bug bite), her moods and the fact that she had a fever!! So I have been doing a lot of snuggling with her and she seems to be okay with that. I finally sent her back to school yesterday, but I only left her there for half a day. I am almost afraid to let her out of my sight now. Silly, I know, but that is just how it is. And yes, I am going to pick her up early today too!!!

Now for the moving on..... SIL#1 had her u/s. She has one little bean and is doing very well. She still did not want to really talk about it and that was fine with me. She showed me the u/s sound pics a couple of days ago and I found myself getting really excited. I am going to be an aunt again. I have prayed for so long that she would have a child and be able to experience what I have with DD. Lord willing, she is going to. That makes me smile. (and yes, I am still jealous). DH and I made up ............ but I unfortunately, have not been able to forget most of what was said. It is going to take some time for us to completely heal from this one. But we are trying to get on with things. I had not told me that I had quit the drugs. He noticed last week that the bottle was not in its usual place and he finally came and asked me if it was "O" time (ovulation). I said no.............. I quit taking them. He was silent for a minute and just said okay and went on. He made his peace a long time ago that we would most likely only have DD and that was it. I wish it was so easy for me :-( Anyway, I was then cleaning out some drawers in the bathroom over the weekend and found an unopened box of OPK's ............. so what is a girl that has decided to quit TTC to do with them ............. why pee on them of course!!! Saturday, Sunday, Monday.....nothing. Did not surprise me since I was not taking any Femara. This morning - POSITIVE. I just about fell off the toilet! And where was DH you may ask - OUT OF TOWN! He will be back tonight, but I will be out. I know that by the time I get home, I will most likely be exhausted, but who knows. Of course there is still the issue of my overgrown uterine lining due to the extended Clomid use - but as of this moment in time, I am not feeling quiet so betrayed. My body is moving on and doing what it is supposed to :-)

Oh - - - and my parents are coming for the weekend. Like I really need that right now!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


As bad as I have been feeling lately about life in general, it has all been put on hold. Yesterday I won the "bad mother of the year" award. I had been putting stinkin' benedryl on a bump on DD's leg for a week now. Yesterday the bump grew, swelled and exploded. Do you know what it was...................STAPH infection!!!! The doctor actually said MRSA! She ended up having to be cut open last night to have the crud removed. I am still in shock! That stuff can kill you!!!! I am scared to death now that it is somewhere else inside of her and she is going to get sick, and sicker and die! All because I was too consumed by my own self pity to notice the bump was changing. Talk about a wake up call!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I am here

So much has changed for me in the last couple of weeks. I am really not sure where to start, so most of it may have to wait for a few more days while I still work on sorting it out in my head.

First and foremost is........SIL #1 is having her first ultrasound on Thursday. I am so excited for her to see her little bean(s). I have been fervently praying that all is well within her womb. She has been to this point before only to discover that it was an ectopic. She is still trying to stay low key about it all, but I know that deep down, she must be a bundle of nerves.

As for me..........I am in a survival mode right now. Life is super busy and even though I really need to take some time for me and get some things settled within myself, I just really don't have the time. I will only say right now, that I am no longer going to be TTC. There is a lot behind all of that, but if I try to go into it all right now, you will still be reading about it tomorrow. I will also ask for prayers............I am really struggling right now. Things in life have not worked out the way I had envisioned and I am .................. surviving!