Tuesday, March 24, 2009

And the drama continues....

Even though I have struggled with NOT being pregnant at the moment and struggling to even get that way, I am genuine in my happiness for SIL#1. This weekend, I took DD out and told her we needed to get a little gift for a baby. I didn't tell her what was going on (at her age, she isn't the best secret keeper), and she helped to pick out a cute little bear. It had some markings on it that were very appropriate to DD nickname. I wrapped it all up that night and made a nice card to go with it. Sunday when it was just DD, SIL#1 and I, I had DD give it to her. She opened it, thanked us, never opened the card and threw it all in the back seat. I thought that was a little weird, but went on. After about 10 minutes, she started asking me some pregnancy related questions and told me that she was trying to stay calm and not get her hopes up. Their first IVF attempt came back positive but ended up being an ectopic, so she was trying to just lay low. I completely understood. But I was still happy for her and wanted her to know that and to know that we were still praying and would continue to do so. After lunch, SIL#1 just got up and left. DD was heartbroken and SIL#3 thought she had said something or done something to offend her (she sometimes thinks the world revolves around her). That evening at the IL's house, my MIL cornered me wanting to let me know that SIL#1 was very upset that I knew what was going on. I was instructed to not repeat a word of any of it to anyone. WHAT~!~! The only reason I knew anything to begin with was because she had told us.............in the middle of a store!!!! I was livid! I stayed calm and told my her that I knew what was going on because she had told us. I had not been going around telling anyone (except on here and no one here knows me IRL). I told MIL to tell her that going forward, I was not going to ask her anything. She could come to me.

Imagine my surprise last night when SIL#1 actually called me to update me :-) Apparently MIL did not remember telling me anything last week (she is getting a tad bit forgetful in her old age), and kept insisting that I had to have gotten my info someplace else. SIL#1 knows that MIL's mind is not what it used to me and realized that she probably should not tell her anything until she is certain. (Is any of this making any sense?) Anyway......SIL#1 was tested again yesterday and her levels are up..............yippeeee!!!! She is going to test again on Friday and then they will schedule and u/s.

Friday, March 20, 2009

It was a success!

SIL#1 had her pregnancy test yesterday.............POSITIVE!!! She is pregnant!!! She is now scheduled to have an u/s in three weeks. After 3 rounds of IVF she if finally pregnant. I am now praying that nothing happens. After her first round, she tested positive and the next day discovered that it was ectopic. I am so incredibly happy for her. They have been married close to 20 years. Can you imagine having baby after being married that long??????

As you can see I am trying to remain upbeat. I AM very excited about her having a baby. I AM also incredibly sad that it isn't me. After 1 day I have already noticed that things are going to change. SIL #1 is my MIL's only daughter. Even though she already has grandchildren, it is going to be different with this child(ren). When I talked to her yesterday, she could hardly contain her excitement. She was soooooo not like that when I was pregnant (either time). It makes me sad for DD and her cousins. I pray that it doesn't show too much with them, but I am already scared that it will (and we have only known for 1 day).

I just took my last dose of Femara for this month. I bought a new box of OPT for be to begin with this weekend. I have had a horrible headache for 2 days now and I am just flat out in the dumps. Doesn't really make me want to attempt the business of conception (if you know what I mean). I feel like I am starting to become obsessed with having a baby. I have GOT to get a grip on all of this and find a happy medium. DH and I are starting to rub each other the wrong way and I know that most of it is ME!!!

Leslie...........how are you doing??? I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best!!! Still praying......

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sunny Day~

Today is a beautiful day............it is warm.......the sun is out........I feel like CRAP!!!

My OB told me to go ahead with the Femara, so I did. It is kicking my butt! I have been sick to my stomach, my head has hurt. I am crabby and ready to pick a fight in 5.2 seconds if you dare look at me the wrong way. I just want to sleep!

Haven't been talking to anyone, so I don't have to worry about other people (ie: so called friends) ticking me off. I even avoided a call from my parents. Right now, if I could, I would even avoid DH. (It is that bad)

We have been working at home trying to clean things out and get rid of a bunch of junk. It's official........I am a packrat! I admit that I do have a hard time getting rid of things, but when I do decide to get rid of stuff.........watch out!!! I am liable to get rid of you!!! :-) But we have worked for two days in the garage and still aren't done out there. I started cleaning the utility room last night, but didn't get that finished and DH started cleaning the kitchen, but he just picked things up moved them over, cleaned and moved them back.........so that's not finished either. Are you seeing a pattern here :-0 Tonight (after I go get that gray washed out of my hair), I need to go home and get busy. I think I will start in the kitchen and work my way back out into the garage.........that way I can at least listen to American Idol while I am working.

Oh.....had our taxes done yesterday. We have known the guy that does our taxes for YEARS!!! He asked about more kids for us and I told him about our miscarriage. He was very sympathetic and then when he found out it was in the first trimester..............he goes "Oh that's good. I'm glad it happened early on." WHAT!!!!! You have got to be kidding me! I almost burst into tears right then and wanted to smack the crap out of him. Now I remember why I don't tell people!

Monday, March 16, 2009

New week....big decisions

So far this week is starting out better. Except for the fact that I was supposed to call my OB back on Friday and I never did. I should have started the Femara yesterday, but since I never called the doc back....................And before I can start the Femara, I have to have a negative PG test. As of Saturday, it was still showing a faint positive. I called my doc today and I can start taking it tonight. So after work, I will head off to the pharmacy (where hopefully there won't be any problems like there was last month) and then I get to go home to pee on another stick to "hopefully" see a BFN. ( I NEVER thought I would think, much less type a sentence like that). If it is still positive there will be no Femara this month. This was supposed to have been my final month of actively attempting conception. So now, if it is a "no go" this month, I have to decide if I will continue to do this. I will already have the Femara (and it costs plenty), so we could attempt it again next month. I have also been toying with the idea of extending my self-imposed deadline by three months but I came up with this "end date" before I ended up pregnant last year. I really don't want to still be trying when I am in my 50's (slight exaggeration there!!!), in fact, I didn't want to still be trying while I was in my 40's, but there is where I am headed. If we continue for another 3 months, and I were to conceive and actually carry a baby to term, I would be giving birth right before my 40th birthday. Is that NUTS???? I thought it was crazy to have a baby in my mid 30's!!! Like I said............big decisions!

Talked with SIL#1 this week-end. She is doing well. They transferred 2 embryos and froze 2. She feels okay, but is having little twinges along with a raging cold and is constantly worried that she is going to cough or sneeze the embryos right out of her uterus. She is going to have a pregnancy test done on Thursday and if it is positive then she will have an u/s three weeks after that. It is amazing to me how I can be both so incredibly happy for her right now knowing that she has two little bundles of cells in her womb hopefully dividing like crazy, while at the same time so incredibly jealous for the exact same reason. I sooooooo wanted us to be pregnant together and our babies to be born around the same time. I sooooooooooo want her to be able to experience what I have with my DD. Pray!!! I just have to pray!!!!!

Friday, March 13, 2009


I am officially NOT pregnant. But let me tell you the entire story.....

I had had some lab test run on Tuesday and when they were taking the like 3 vials of blood, I kept coming real close to passing out. I then had to go to the grocery and when I walked into the produce section which is followed by the seafood, I started to gag. That got me thinking.....so while I was in there I got another little stick to pee on. Got back to work and was going to wait until I got home, but patience has never been one of my virtues so I went ahead and took it. POSITIVE!!! Not a strong positive, but it was early. DH was out of town, so I decided to wait to say anything to him until I saw him. In the meantime, the dog was getting sicker and sicker and I had been trying to explain to DD that she might die and no longer be with us. Wednesday I came home and she was even worse, I took another test, and again BFP, but still not two dark lines. DH gets home and then he is busy with the dog and she ends up dying in our arms that night. I was so upset, I actually completely forgot about it. Thursday morning, I finally tell him that I think I might be pregnant, but it is early so I am not certain. The workday ends with the spotting and cramping and me trying not to freak out. Last night (still Thursday), I am giving DD a bath and the phone rings.....it is my doctor giving me the results of the lab tests he had run. I asked if there was any of the blood left and there was one vial. I told him about the pregnancy tests and he says he will call me right back. It was about an hour before he calls back. His office is in the hospital, so he has access to the labs right there at his fingertips. He ran the tests and my levels came back low. (by the way......my family doctor is also a friend, so I was hoping he would be able to do this for me) Since this blood was two days old he suggested that I have the test run today just to make sure. I called my OB this morning and was able to talk to him. He had me come in and did a quick ultrasound............there was nothing to see..............just an empty, useless, good for nothing uterus. So I opted not to have more blood drawn. I have to decide this morning if I am even go to go the Femara route this month or just let it go.

I am tired. I am sad. I am feeling worthless. Why can't my body do what it is supposed to????

I haven't heard from SIL#1 yet. The only one she is talking to right now is MIL and she really isn't telling her anything either. I guess I don't blame her. IVF is very personal, but I want to pray for specifics. Not that that really matters either, I can just pray!!!!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Horrible week.......getting worse!

*DD cut hair off
*Dog passed away
*BFP - (maybe things are looking up)


I am now spotting and cramping. Either it was a false positve or I am having another miscarriage! The week isn't even over yet!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Your are kidding.....right?

My DD decided to cut her beautiful long hair!!! 8:30 Saturday morning I opened the bathroom door and discovered a bathroom covered in HAIR!!! An hour later (and many tears) we were at my hairdressers while she did what she could. I am still in shock over it. Luckily a small portion of her hair was pulled back on the top and she had not completely chopped it off yet, so even though the sides and a portion of the back (shown above) are gone, the hair that was left on the top is being used to cover up the lack of hair on the sides. It is going to take some creative hairstyling the next few months, but I know it will grow back. It was just said to see the hair that she had had since forever get cut off. But I will say....her new haircut makes her look more grown up *sniff, sniff*.
In other news...
with all the drama on Saturday, it was late before I realized that my stomach was no longer upset. Of course there are still no signs of AF, but I really wanted it to be pregnancy sickness and not stomach bug sickness. I'm beginning to think that whether I want to or not, Aunt Flo will be coming to stay at my house for a few days.
Leslie is having her transfer today and SIL#1 is having hers tomorrow. I'm going to be doing a lot of praying!

Friday, March 6, 2009


Wednesday night at around 11:00 I started feeling really sick to my stomach. It continued the rest of the night and most of yesterday. Then I started feeling better but I had no appetite. The thought of food, just well, nauseated me. I began to have these sharp little pains in my belly along with an achenes and occasional nausea. That has continued through today. The only thing I have eaten today is a grilled cheese and some chocolate. AF should not arrive for another 7-9 days. I don't usually start feeling this crappy until a few days closer to AF's arrival (if at all). So then I start to wonder...............do I have a stomach bug?.......................or am I pregnant? I really wish a woman was able to have sex at the right time each month and within a few days be able to know for certain if there was a baby growing in her belly. Some people say that two weeks to wait really isn't all that long (and in the grand scheme of life it isn't), but when you go through this month after month after month for YEARS, it gets really old. I am tired of wondering. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I know for certain that I am not. This is not one of those times. There is a chance (although, I know with me, it is a slim chance - but it is still a chance). Therefore, I wonder.........and I want to know. I think it is going to be a very long week. I even said an odd little prayer this afternoon. For the Lord to send AF to me early if I am not. So that way I would not wonder anymore. But in that prayer I also ask the Lord for him to please keep AF otherwise occupied somewhere else for a long time :-)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Who has the time - Part 2

I gave in last night and returned a phone call to GF. I knew better....but I did it anyway. First thing after I say "Hi GF"....she goes...."let me call you right back".... and she did and then she did it again....three times!!! When we finally got to have an actual conversation (and I use that term loosely)....it was ALL about how she found this house that she thought she was going to love from the description, but saw pictures of it and didn't like the sink in the kitchen and when they drove by it, she thought it was an ugly house and heaven forbid if she lived in an ugly house. Quote from GF..."I can't have people drive up to my new bigger house and even though it has 5 bedroom and 3.5 baths and that huge bonus room think that the "B" live in an ugly house. If it comes down to that, we will just stay in the house we are in right now. I cannot stand houses that look like boxes!" You have got to be kidding me.....does she realize she just insulted me and a few of our friends with that statement!

Meanwhile...while this conversation is going on, I realize that I have inadvertently locked my DD and I out of our house. I said something a couple of times about it and you know what......got NO response!!! She was so into her house hunt for the perfect, beautiful house that she had no idea what was going on with other people besides herself. After this....I pulled one of her stunts and told her I needed to call her right back and hung up the phone. Needless to say, I have not called her back!

Why am I surprised about this....and why did I set myself up for this?!?!?! You would think I would know better by now. She knows what DH and I are going through, so I keep thinking she is a friend I need to stick with. I need to reevaluate that, don't you think?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Who has the time?

When you are dealing with IF and your life is measured in small increments while you are trying to keep everything straight so you don't miss "the day" when your little miracle might occur, and doing laundry, cooking and keeping a child entertained.............who has time for drama in someone else's life?? I don't! But it is beginning to feel like everyone wants to tell me everything that is going wrong with them! I have honestly started hitting that cute little "ignore" button on my phone when it rings (I am in love with that thing!). Then I listen to their voice mail at my leisure and I just reply to it (which means it just goes to their voicemail) and I never have to actually talk to them. Of course the downside to this, is I don't get a lot of actual adult contact these days, but I am okay with that.

My life is enough drama. And yes, I know that most of them do not know what is going on with me right now. I chose not to share with them and let them in to that part of my life. I just really don't want all of the questions.

I don't really have any other news right now. I am in the pitiful 2ww and I am having no symptoms either way right now. I should know for sure by St. Patty's day (if not sooner). I am trying to not get my hopes up. SIL#1 goes for her egg retrieval this week and the transfer will be the beginning of next week. I would love for us to be pregnant together. I know that it is going to be hard on both of us if one of us gets pregnant and the other one doesn't. I am certainly not saying that if I am not pregnant I don't want her to be pregnant. I just mean that it will be hard to watch another life being formed knowing that I am not also blessed. I felt that way when SIL#3 was pregnant and then when Sweet Girl was born, I wasn't even able to hold her (of course this was just days after I miscarried). I love that sweet baby to death, but I always think of what I lost when I am snuggling with her. I just don't want that to happen again. But this is SIL#1's third attempt at IVF and I really, really want it to work for her.

If you have a little time, say a little prayer for her and I both. And Leslie......I am praying for you this week! :-)