Monday, June 4, 2012

Drama Free!!

The past few days have been drama free and I like it that way!  I have been incredibly busy with my family and I like it that way. We have not heard from BIL#1.  I know that eventually we will and I will just deal with it when the time comes. 

I saw GF over the weekend.  She went from completely ignoring me to playing nice to asking me to lunch.  I agreed, but didn't hear from her today so I'm not holding my breath for that either.  And I am also okay with that. 

DD had a sleepover last night.  Missed her like mad, but it was good for her to spend time away from Mom and Dad. I so wish I could give her more...........but what parent doesn't want to be able to give their child more (and no, I am not just talking about material things)

I helped DH go through some of his Dad's things.  That was hard.  It was emotional.  But that was about the biggest drama I have had in days.  Just knowing that I am okay, I will be okay, my DD is happy, healthy and adjusting to the changes around us and that DH is going to be there for us at the end of the day is enough for me.  I am doing my best not to let what is going on around me get me down.  It is hard sometimes, and I do struggle with it, but I am trying. 

One more thing -
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day my Sweet Angel went to heaven.  I look forward to the day that I get to see her again.  Hard to believe that it has been 4 years! As I is hard sometimes, I struggle with it at times, but I am trying.  And I know that I will be okay!!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I mentioned before that I had felt like GF had broken my heart and stepped on my spirit.  It is a constant.  I am trying to be a better person.  I am trying to not let things get to me.  I am trying to keep myself on the high road.  I will get these random messages that seem to be from a true friend.  I am tempted to just ignore them and go on, but I end up replying and time and again I feel like my spirit is crushed a little more.  She says she loves me, loves my family, considers herself my friend.  Her actions do not show that.  I thought maybe it was just me, but people are starting to ask me what is going on.  It is noticed by others that she has nothing much to do with me anymore.  It's not just me - is it?????

BIL#1 came for a visit this past weekend.  It was all good for a couple of days, then all hell broke loose! He managed to insult and disrespect every person that still had the misfortune of being in the house at that moment.  He left the next day with out speaking to anybody, but still called my MIL and continued to berate her and tell her how horrible she was.  He said some horrible things to DH and I to the point that I took DD and left.  Of course, she still managed to hear a few things he said and has asked a lot of questions.  It will be a while before I can forgive him.  I just cannot ever imagine speaking to my family that way.  Or anybody!! 

I was feeling very low a couple of days ago.  My sweet DD had some very profound words for me.  It brought me to my knees and has put things in a new perspective.  I am trying.  Sometimes you have to be put down and broken to the point where there is no where left to go.  I feel like that is where I am.  It is time to move up and move on. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Moving on......

This past year has been a roller coaster.  A big one.  With lots of loops, twists and turns.  But at the end of it all, it is really all about moving on.

I have somewhat come to terms with not being able to have another child.  I did become pregnant again, but once again, I was not able to maintain my pregnancy.  It is a hard pill to swallow.  I am happy with my little family and now that DD is in school it is hard to imagine starting all over again.  I would in a heartbeath though if I was able.

Since I last posted, my FIL was diagnosed with cancer that metastasized to his lungs.  After a short but valiant struggle, he passed away this spring.  I would love to say that the family really pulled together during this, but honestly, I can't.  Most of us aren't speaking much anymore except when we have to.  MIL is living with us now, so that is interesting. She has Alzheimer's and is going downhill fast. SIL#3 and I had a big falling out and I was accused of a lot of things that I had no control of.  She got really ugly and started a lot of verbal mudslinging about DH and at that point I was done.  Let's just say that we have made "peace" with each other, but it will be a long time before it will be the same.

I applied for another job on a whim, but it had already been filled by the time they got my application and resume.  I'm still looking but not actively seeking.  It will be really hard to beat the flexibility that my current position allows me. 

In the midst of all this, GF and I were getting closer.  Then she started pulling away.  We finally started talking about it and I got mad and said some things that never should have been said.  I have apologized repeatedly, but it has done no good.  She does and says what she wants to me and others now, but refuses to allow me to respond or ask what is meant by her comments.  I have tried.  She had become like a sister to me and my heart is broken.  I feel like she stepped on my spirit.   

So after all of this, the only real choice I have is to move on.  I can't go back and I can't stay in this place I am currently in.  It is depressing and incredibly lonely.  Our family dynamics have changed, I not only have to take care of a husband, daughter but now a grown woman that doesn't always know what I am doing for her or why I am doing it.  It is hard.  It is not something I would have ever signed up for.  Yet I did! No one else stepped up and I couldn't see her go into a home when she had all this family that should be taking care of her. I miss my "sister", but I can't force her to be a part of our lives.  Her choice.  My choice is to move on with my life without her.

Summer is upon us and I have big plans for DD and I.  We are going to have a lot of fun.  Water parks, weekend trips and maybe a few play dates with cousins and friends.  I am moving on............with what is important.  This petty stuff has no part in my life or my families life!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


That is what I was saying when DH woke me up at 4:00 in the morning to show me SIL#1 relationship status on Face.Book.  The look on his face broke my heart.  He had to find out on Face.Book that she was divorced.  And then in the days that followed, we find out that nobody else in the family knows.  Nobody!! So while I have never understood why she has done a lot of what she has done in the last 3 years, now she announces on the internet that she is no longer married but doesn't have the decency to tell her own family.

In other news, I am seriously thinking about leaving my job.  I don't know if it will actually happen....I do have a lot of flexibility currently that I know I would lose and most definitely miss. But I do not like the direction this facility is taking and I honestly don't know how much longer there will be a place for me here.  CW#3 is one of the worst examples of a leader that I have ever witnessed.  It is harder each day to take direction from him.

Obviously, since I haven't mentioned it, I haven't gotten pregnant.  I took Clomid, I ovulated, never conceived.  Took the next month off, ovulated, never conceived.  Was going to take Clomid this month, but I honestly never thought about it when the appropriate day came.  I did ovulate last month, so I may again.  My cycles are getting shorter and shorter so I am ovulating early - very early. I am not expecting anything, but another child in our lives would be such an amazing blessing. DD would love to have a sibling and she is old enough to be an amazing little mommy. I am dreaming - I am wishing - I am hoping.  But I am not expecting.

Again W.O.W
What twists and turns our lives take!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Positive vs Negative

I want to be a positive person.  I want the people around me to be positive.  As I was thinking about this over the weekend, it hit me that some people in my life come across as being positive but end up having a negative impact on me.  Their actions affect me in a negative way.  I came to that realization when dealing with SIL#3 over the weekend.  She was in a good mood.  She was pleasant to be around.  She didn't do anything.  But that was the problem.  She didn't do anything!!!  She just sat and let everyone else do it.  And it got to me (like it usually does).  I bitched and moaned about it every chance I got.  Until I got the "slap" on the head (so to speak).  Why do I let myself get upset over it.  She has always been like that.  It's not going to change.  What can change is how I react to it.  I can stay positive................okay, I can try!

In thinking about all of that yesterday, it also struck me how much of my life over the last few years is very much based on positives and negatives.  I mean everything.........right down to us TTC.  My life at times is measured by those little +/- signs on a stick! Seriously!!!! How sad is that!  I know there have been times when that is all I think about. When I can't focus on anything but the possibility of seeing a positive sign on a test.  I am in my forties now.  I'm afraid I have missed out on so much by letting the negatives around me lead my life.  I need to focus on the positives.  I have a hardworking DH that while may not be home much, loves me no matter what.  I have a beautiful DD that I absolutely adore.  I have a job. I have a house. 

This past weekend was incredible.  We spent it together as a family. Since DH hadn't been home, I asked him to please give us the three days.  He worked incredibly late a couple of days last week in order to be able to be home with us this weekend.  It was worth it.  We had so much fun (well, except for having to deal with SIL#3).  The weather was perfect and we spent time with friends, family and just on our own.  It was so awesome that DD cried today when DH had to leave to go to work.  Broke our hearts.  But the positive in that was we are good together as a little family of three!! While it was sad to see her so broken and it tugged at our hearts, it made us both smile to know that her tears came from love. 

See, I can be positive ;-)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


That is how I feel today.....B.L.E.C.H.!

The clomid worked.  I ovulated.  I was bitchy.  I was in a piss poor mood.  I snapped!!  Not a good combo!  Now I just feel blech!  Like I have been used up and spit out.  Really want to go home.  Really want to go to sleep.  I am just so tired all the time. 

DH hasn't been home much (clomid may have been a waste) and so I have been solo parenting.  My lovely SIL#3 is still at it and I have lost all patience with it. I guess I have lost all patience with everything.  I am probably safer if I am left all alone right now.  Did I mention I snapped??? Yeah - wasn't good. 

Anyway, I'm gonna go back and pretend to be busy and pretend to be nice to people :-)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

So much drama

I want a dull boring life.  Is that so much to ask? I wouldn't think so.  Actually, boring is probably the wrong way to describe what I want.  I just want c.a.l.m. As in C.A.L.M.!! I have drama at work......I have drama among a group of friends.  And by drama, I mean D.R.A.M.A.!!

CW#3 is most likely on his way out the door.  Only he doesn't realize it yet.  I have been drug into meetings regarding him more times than I care to count.  He may be clueless, but he isn't stupid and he has got to realize that all these closed doors are not good.  I'm not sure why they are dragging this out, but they are.  Stressful!!!!

GF and I along with our DH's and a number of other couples went out one night and ended up in a very large disagreement.  GF and I are still on the same page, but a lot of other friendships have been destroyed.  A lot of hateful, mean, spiteful things have been said and it can never be taken back.  You would think that it is over and done with and while there may be two groups of friends instead of one big group we would all just go about our daily lives and learn to co-exist.  You would think so..... But that isn't what has happened.  Apparently, there are some that will not move on and just keep on making catty bitchy comments.  Unfortunately, GF is taking the brunt of it.  I feel horrible for her and I honestly want to be there for her.  But with all the drama I am dealing with at work, there are some days I just really don't want to hear about who said or did what anymore. 

In other news.  I started my OPK and I have been having a faint second line.  Why oh why can't I be one of those that just gets pregnant when I look at a baby???!!!???