Monday, June 8, 2009

Retail Therapy

I have to say, last week was pretty bad. But I survived it :-) I finally gave up Friday and left work. I just could not keep myself together. I thought I would go home but I needed to go to Wal-mart first. I ended up spending two hours in there. Yup....TWO HOURS!!! That might seem odd to some, but I started on one side of that place and worked almost all of it. I looked at things I absolutely did not need and had no intention of purchasing. I purchased things I had no need for. It was great! I left there feeling better and went and picked up DD to begin our busy weekend.

We were on the go constantly from the time I picked her up of Friday until I dropped her off this morning. For me, that was great. For her, she is exhausted. We are supposed to go someplace tonight, but I am going to have to cancel and just go home.

I started to contemplate going back on the Femara and I made up a list of pros and cons. The cons won!!! I thought about Clomid again, but the whole uterine lining thing really has me spooked at this point. Plus, I am just plain getting old and I am tired! I want a baby BAD!!! But I think the Lord has another plan for me. I just wish He would go ahead and clue me in!

SIL#1 actually spoke to me yesterday. She actually asked me to spend some time with her. We had seen her on Saturday and it just really wasn't pleasant (but that did not surprise me). So needless to say, I was shocked when when she asked me to go to K-mart with her. I didn't really want to, but I figured if she is offering this "olive branch" I probably need to take it. So off to K-Mart we went. I have to say, I have never really enjoyed shopping with her and I was reminded why. She really just kind of goes and does her own thing. She doesn't talk much, and if you stop to look and something, by the time you look up......she is long gone! She is almost 16 weeks along now and still refuses to buy maternity clothes. She is showing and just wants to get bigger clothes. I don't think she realizes that in just a couple of weeks, those bigger clothes just really aren't going to be big enough. Plus, there are some really cute maternity clothes out there now and you don't have to go around wearing those big old fashioned mu-mu dresses anymore. But whatever floats her boat I guess. My BIL never showed up yesterday. He called to say he had a meeting. Yeah, right! But again - whatever!

It is a beautiful day here. Would love to be out in it. In fact, I think I am going to go for a little walk right now :-)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A part of my heart is in heaven

I am proud to say that I still feel blessed. Every time I look at DD's beautiful sweet face, I feel blessed. Every time she reaches out her little hand and places it on my cheek, I feel blessed. Every time she takes those cute little skinny arms and wraps them tightly around my neck, I feel blessed. Every time she lays down next to me and cuddles her little body up to mine, I feel blessed.

But I ache and I hurt inside. I have done fairly well over all. But I WANT MY BABY!!! I personally know other ladies that have had miscarriages. They don't seem to ache the way I do. And then I realized - they went on to get pregnant again and had another child. I have not. That is not to say that if I did, I would not still miss the child that I lost, but it seems to make a big difference. I asked GF the other day about it and she told me that at first she felt like the world was going to end. When she did finally get pregnant and have her baby she doesn't really think about it anymore. She says "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I have two beautiful children." I felt like saying "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I also have two beautiful children, but one of them is living in heaven. A part of my heart is also there."

I have managed to stay fairly busy. This is good. When I stop, I start to think and the what ifs hit me. That isn't good!!! I couple of people have tried to talk to me about how I am feeling, but I really just can't do it right now. CW#1 remembered and let me know that she was thinking of me. I was really surprised. Then SIL#3 has had me helping her with Sweet Girl's birthday. Out of nowhere, she apologized and said she wasn't thinking and should have just left me alone because she realized how hard it must be for me. I was thankful for the sentiment, but I don't think she has ever realized that even though I love Sweet Girl a lot, I am not able to look at her without realizing what I lost.

I wonder how long it takes........

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I started writing this post early this morning with an entirely different slant.

A year ago I was on bed rest in the hopes of saving my baby. Didn't work. A year ago Sweet Girl was born. SIL#3 now has me helping to plan her first birthday party. A year ago I thought I was on top of the world. I am not.

Last night AF showed up - EARLY!!!

I have managed to keep myself together fairly well. I have stayed busy and really tried to just not think about things. This morning, I lost the battle. DH tried to ask me what was going on and I just couldn't talk. He finally guessed about AF and says "Well, I still love you." I could not even reply. Was he not going to love me if I was pregnant??? I finally managed to ask him if he knew what had happened a year ago. "No." I reminded him that WE had lost a child. He apologized and went to get ready for work. I know that men handle things differently. I know that my DH handles things differently. I know that he was not as affected by what happened as I was. I know all of that in my head, but my heart hurt!

So there I was having a little pity party and I finally went in to get DD's clothes ready for today. She was laying in her bed awake, so I went over to talk to her and snuggle. It hit me. I AM BLESSED!!! I have a home. I have a vehicle. I have a job. I have a husband. I have a beautiful child. We are fairly healthy. We are not wealthy, but we are not starving. Did I mention that I have a beautiful child? I know that my Sweet Angel is alive......with God. I know that one day I will get to meet her. I am blessed!!! So while I still hurt and my heart still aches, I felt better.

I was at a bible class with my parents and someone was talking about being anxious and stressed and upset about things in life and praying for the Lord to take it all away. I am not one to speak up in public, but what they said really struck me. So I told them........... You can ask the Lord for whatever you want. He will answer you. It may not be the answer you want. It may be "no". It may be "not now". But I have found that when there are things that are troubling you and causing you to feel anxious, stressed or upset.............ask the Lord for some peace and the strength to get you through. It is an amazing feeling to realize that you have been given that gift of peace of mind. It is a true blessing. I have prayed for peace many times over the course of my journey with IF. Sometimes, I get it and sometimes I don't. This morning I did, but in a different way. I found it in the arms of my daughter. I found my blessings.