A part of my heart is in heaven

I am proud to say that I still feel blessed. Every time I look at DD's beautiful sweet face, I feel blessed. Every time she reaches out her little hand and places it on my cheek, I feel blessed. Every time she takes those cute little skinny arms and wraps them tightly around my neck, I feel blessed. Every time she lays down next to me and cuddles her little body up to mine, I feel blessed.

But I ache and I hurt inside. I have done fairly well over all. But I WANT MY BABY!!! I personally know other ladies that have had miscarriages. They don't seem to ache the way I do. And then I realized - they went on to get pregnant again and had another child. I have not. That is not to say that if I did, I would not still miss the child that I lost, but it seems to make a big difference. I asked GF the other day about it and she told me that at first she felt like the world was going to end. When she did finally get pregnant and have her baby she doesn't really think about it anymore. She says "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I have two beautiful children." I felt like saying "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I also have two beautiful children, but one of them is living in heaven. A part of my heart is also there."

I have managed to stay fairly busy. This is good. When I stop, I start to think and the what ifs hit me. That isn't good!!! I couple of people have tried to talk to me about how I am feeling, but I really just can't do it right now. CW#1 remembered and let me know that she was thinking of me. I was really surprised. Then SIL#3 has had me helping her with Sweet Girl's birthday. Out of nowhere, she apologized and said she wasn't thinking and should have just left me alone because she realized how hard it must be for me. I was thankful for the sentiment, but I don't think she has ever realized that even though I love Sweet Girl a lot, I am not able to look at her without realizing what I lost.

I wonder how long it takes........