Monday, December 29, 2008

Almost over

2008 that is! I am soooo ready for this year to be over.

It just has not been a year to rejoice over in terms of my little family. There have been many struggles, but I am determined that we are going to come out the other end of the long tunnel and things WILL be better!!!

I am praying that 2009 will bring us a new baby. I went ahead and took the Clomid, but so far the OPT are negative (they should be showing signs of a little +). My parents are staying with us right now, so I am not really sure what we would do if it was positive. Our house is rather small :-) My original EDD is almost upon me and I have been having a really hard time with it. I pray that once it is past I will be able to move on. I am also praying that I am pregnant my then...But at this point, I really doubt it will happen. I never thought after I lost the baby, that it would take this long to conceive again.

I have not talked to GF since she called to let me know that everyone was cancelling out on our Christmas dinner. It really doesn't surprise me. DH even made a comment about how she only calls me when she needs something. I had the opportunity to attend church with that whole group yesterday, and I had absolutely no problem saying 'no thank you'. I had no desire to see them or worship with them. I wanted to attend with my family and be able to focus on the worship and not on how angry I still am at them.

SIL#3 and I went shopping the day after Christmas. We had a good time, but I was still aggravated at her over some comments she made the day before. She was very ungrateful for what everyone had bought for her children. DH says we just need to go to the Caribbean next year. Sounds good to me.

DD had a wonderful Christmas. Just watching the joy and excitement on her face makes the rest of the problems seem very trivial and minor. I just have to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things - it is minor.

So, all that said - Happy New Year! May 2009 bring many blessings to your home and ours!~

Friday, December 19, 2008

She knocked it down.

The door that is. Aunt Flo decided that she was tired of knocking and waiting for me to answer so she just took the entire door right down. I was late. Very late. Late to the point that even though I had thought she was knocking, I was pregnant. I went to the store to get some HPT's. I then decided that evening to wait one more day. I started spotting that night and cramping. It actually reminded me of the night I started to miscarry. I went to bed, woke up in the middle of the night really hurting. I took some Tylenol and checked, but I still was only spotting. I thought, well maybe this is that 'implantation bleeding'. I was still hopeful. Got up to get ready for work and felt like my insides were starting to fall out. Again, it reminded me of the miscarriage. Went to the bathroom and I was bleeding...heavily. I just wanted to cry...loudly. I went ahead and got ready for work. SIL #3 and Sweet Girl game to visit me and I just sat in my desk chair and loved on her. After a while SIL #3 came right out and asked me if I was OK. I was honest enough to tell her no, but I didn't really go into the full story. She actually remembered that it was getting close to my EDD. I was surprised. She is usually not that perceptive. When they went to go leave and I got up to help her get everything out to the car, I knew that there was a problem. I managed to get outside, get her and Sweet Girl in their car and myself into the restroom. I thought I was going to be sick afterwards. I don't know for certain, but I am fairly positive that I was pregnant and was (still am) having another miscarriage. It is just too similar from the last time. I know I am getting older and pushing 40, but there are so many older women now that are having children. Why can't I be one of them?

I am struggling. Badly. There are some other things going on right now, but I really think it all centers around this and the fact that my patience is really thin with everything else. I also don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Everybody seems to think I should be over the fact that I lost my baby and just move on (DH included). And since I never confirmed this pregnancy, most people will think I am just being overly dramatic. I am not trying to be a drama queen here, I am just trying to have a baby.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

She's knocking...

(warning***this post may be TMI***)
Aunt Flo is knocking at the door. LOUDLY!! I started cramping yesterday evening. It comes and goes, but it keeps coming back. My breasts are a little tender, but nothing like they were when I was pregnant the first time. I know that they say that each pregnancy is different and mine have been, but I just feel like I would know.
I am one that really gets into coincidences (or kwinky dinks). When I was figuring out my ovulation this time and what my possible due date was I realized that it was exactly 7 months after my little angel was due. Also, my little angle and Sweet Girl would have been 7 months apart. I am sure to most people that doesn't seem like much, but it holds some meaning for me, so maybe it was meant to me. I am praying so incredibly hard right now that the Lord sees fit to bless us with another child. I know how blessed I am to already have a DD. There are plenty of women that don't even have that (my SIL#1 being one of them), but.......
Only 2 more days! That is unless Aunt Flo breaks down the door before then.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I am almost at the end of this 2ww. I had high hopes for it (if you catch my drift), but I am beginning to have serious doubts about it. It hasn't helped that MIL has decided to try and "help" by giving me little articles cut out of her magazines on Tips for Infertility, or How to Get Pregnant, or How to Ensure That You Have a Boy. I informed her yesterday, that if the Lord were to bless me with a child again, I really could care less if it was a boy or a girl. I also told her that if the Lord saw fit to give me more than one at a time - that was going to be just fine too. She really didn't have much to say after that. And mind you, she is saying a lot of this in front of SIL#1 that has never been able to have children either.

Last Friday was a really hard day for me. It marked six months since my little angel went to heaven. And it was SIL#3's youngest 1/2 birthday. She was all excited about it, but it is like everyone has forgotten what happened to me. Maybe it really isn't a big deal to some, but to me it is. I was already so incredibly in love with my child and I will never get the opportunity to see her face, count her little toes, kiss her cute upturned nose, discover if her eyes are green or blue or even brown.

Next Friday is supposed to be a little group Christmas Party. I say supposed to, because even though we do it every year, there is always some sort of drama every year. This year has been no different so far. The day I made the reservations, one couple canceled (who just happens to be SIL#3 and BIL) which seemed to upset GF. She wanted to me cancel the reservation and we find someplace else to go so everybody could go. I guess in theory, that sounds great, but I had HAD it!!! I told her, that was fine, I would cancel the reservations, and they could pick the place and go wherever they wanted to. I realize now that it sounds rather petty, but good grief Gerty! Either you can go or you can't. Either you want to or you don't. Don't be wishy washy about it. I tried to best before I made the reservations to find something that would work for everyone. But if people don't tell me there may be a problem, I won't know. I AM NOT A MIND READER! So GF ended up called me back a few hours later and told me not to cancel the reservations, we would just go with out them. She was saying that next year we could ALL go and it would all be good. But I am so hopeful that next year I WON'T be going because I will have a little one to care for. As for the supposed part....I am not convinced yet that we will be going. I am sure that something else will come up and I may end up having to cancel yet!

I am 3 days out from "D-DAY". DH is going to want me to test that day, I am sure, but I am going to try and wait a few days.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Is anybody out there?

No one has found me on here yet. I have to say....I like it! I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone read this and wanted to 'converse' with me. But I really do like being able to just say what is on my mind.

Let's start today with the trip and GF. It went okay. I just put everything aside and enjoyed the weekend. Will I do it again? Probably not. Since the trip, we have talked once....I, of course, called her. I will also need to call her again to wish her a happy birthday. I certainly don't want her holding it over my head that I didn't do that. After that, we will just have to wait and see. We were supposed to get together last week, before the trip and she had to cancel. She mentioned that we would get together this week, but I doubt it will happen. I really need to get past the idea of having all these friends. I'm not in high school and I really don't need to be part of a 'clique' anymore. There is another issue now with her, but I will get to that in a moment.

The next thing for today is my 2ww which is now over. In fact it ended early. While I was out of town. I was devestated. I had felt kind of odd all day and kept wondering if I was starting, but each time I would go and check, all was still good. By that evening, I had started to convince myself that I might actually get a BFP once I got home. I remember standing up from my chair to get something and sitting right back down. I knew. There was no doubt. AF had arrived. I didn't even bring any 'supplies' with me. So I ended up asking GF for some. When I followed her to get them, she turned to me and came right out and asked me what was going on. When I didn't answer (frankly, because I couldn't for the big lump in my throat), she knew. She then figured out that I had been back on the Clomid. Let me pause here to say that when we were trying to get pregnant the first two times, she was my IF buddy. She had been through it and understood (to a point) what I was going through. This time however, I had told NOBODY that I was back on the Clomid. Now back to the story...She put 2 and 2 together and came up with 4. I will have to say, that she was very supportive and she did her best to comfort me, but then the next day, it was like nothing had happened. Some of that was my fault, because I did start to act like everything was fine. But I just really didn't want her to know.

As for the Clomid and IF. I had decided that if I wasn't pregnant this time, I was going to take a month off to get myself through the holidays and then try again next month. But all I can think of right now is getting pregnant. I am getting older and I really don't know if I have that much time left (or eggs). So tonight I begin another round of the stuff. I am dreading it in the sense that I am afraid for myself and my moods, but excited enough that I have already been counting out the days to see when to start the OPK testing and to get an idea of when I might ovulate. Let me just say that DH is going to be one very happy man this year for Thanksgiving :-)

The next thing is SIL and Christmas. I have 3 SIL's and all three are very different. One I don't see very often (she will be SIL#2), but she is the sweetest thing and would do anything for you. She does get her feelings hurt easily, and she forgives easily, but she never forgets. SIL#1 was very hard to deal with for many years, but we seem to have an understanding now and get along pretty good. She will be the one to raise DD if anything should happen to us. Now SIL#3 is a brat most of the time. She is the baby in her family and she gets what she wants. This year she has decided that she does not want to participate in our Christmas. She doesn't want to spend the money on any one but her kids (that is exactly what she told me). Let me tell you something, there is no more room in their house for anything else. She has never gotten rid of a single toy in 5 years!!! She is constantly complaining about how tight money is, but then turns around and bought a motorized car for Wild Child, not to mention purchasing kids clothes at the expensive shops instead of the discount stores or consignment shops. She told me about Christmas over a month ago and only just told MIL and SIL#1 this past weekend. They are NOT happy! I didn't mind that she didn't want to do Christmas, it really was more the way she told me and I am guessing she didn't do it any nicer with them. Again, it is not the fact that she didn't want to participate, but that it was definitely more about what she could get than what she could give.

OK, that is enough venting for one day. I need to make a note to call GF for her birthday this week and maybe even see about going out at some point. I need to remember to go to the drugstore to pick up my moody pills (Clomid) and remember to take one tonight. I need to pray!!!


Monday, November 10, 2008

No Title

I would apologize for not posting, but since nobody is reading this but me, that I guess it is all good.

My last post was about GF, and I guess this post will in some ways also be about her. She needs something from me again before we go on this trip so she has been calling again. But she never asks how I am, or how DH is or how DD is or how life in general is. I find out things about her through the grapevine, so I thought she might have already known some things, but I just talked to her and mentioned something about when I was sick a few weeks ago and she had no clue what I was talking about. Now, in all fairness, I have not called her to ask about her life. But, when I was trying to call and talk, she would talk about herself, her life, her kids and then would have to rush off the phone. Or if I had to leave a message, she just wouldn't call back. I will admit, that I gave up. I saw her today, I am supposed to see her tomorrow (if I don't cancel on her, and I am so tempted to do so) and then we have the trip. We were supposed to be together for 4 days, but she is only going for a couple of days now. (and she is the one that talked me into this trip months ago......Aaaagggghhhh). I guess I will wait and see what next week holds, but I am guessing that after this trip, I won't hear from her again for a long time.

In other news...CLOMID. I am in my 2ww, actually I only have one week left of it. I am moody. I am prone to crying. I am prone to yelling. I am having issues with NOT being pregnant. I don't know if I have mentioned it or not, but I have had a previous miscarriage and I am having a hard time with having to be on the Clomid instead of learning what sex my baby is and feeling those sweet little kicks now and again. I thought I was done with the stuff and it was a really hard decision to take it again. I am also starting to gain some weight with it. I had been on for so long before that I think I had forgotten (or just gotten used to) how it made me feel and what all it did to my body. If the Lord doesn't bless us this month, I am thinking I may take a month off and give my body (and my mind) a break. But on the other hand, 40 is knocking at my door and I don't want to miss an opportunity.

Guess that is all for now. I will try to be better about posting this week, but with the trip, I know I won't be around for a few days. I am hoping that this trip and the chaos surrounding my friendship with GF will keep my mind occupied and before I know it, it will be a week from now and I will get a BFP pregnancy test.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fair Weather Friend

I think I have determined that is what GF is....a fair weather friend. I literally have not had a real conversation with her in over a month now. Since then, I have called her a couple of times, left messages and she never calls back. A few weeks ago, she called late one evening while I was putting DD down for bed. She was calling me about something she received in the mail and what she should do with it. I told her what I thought, told her I was trying to get DD to go to bed, but she just kept jabbering. Not about anything that was going on in her life, or how I was, but just about the stupid stuff she was writing on the return piece of mail. I finally got her off the phone almost an hour later. Fast forward almost 3 weeks to yesterday. My phone rings and I see that it is her. I am currently in the middle of something, so I just let it go to voicemail. This is the message I got..."Hi just me, this is GF. Give me a call when you get this message." That was it. Now I had left her a couple of messages, so I thought, well, maybe she is just finally calling me back (days, weeks later). I finally got a chance to call her back once I was off of work. Her husband answers the phone. She is not home, but he says he knows what it was about. It was again about that stupid piece of mail from 3 weeks ago. I answered his questions and when he asked me is he should have GF call me back, I told him that if that was all she needed from me, not to bother.

I could not believe how mad I was. I cannot believe how much it bothers me. We are supposed to be going on a trip together in a couple of months, but I so very much would love to cancel. I just really don't want to be around her right now. And the bad part is, we are friends with a lot of the same people. I know what will happen......she will keep the friends and I will be the odd one out. But you know what........I think a part of me is ready for that. I do have my family, I do have my BFF and I know I can go make new friends. I just really need people around me that would like to know how I am doing and will ask me occasionally. I am tired of always listening to other go on and on and on about the stupid things in their life that is bothering them and never once asking about what might be going on in mine. I have always been know for being a good listener. I am tired of listening!!!!!! I am tired of hearing all the complaining about how their DH didn't come home at a certain time and help clean the house. Don't tell me!!!! You are a SAHM and you only have one child at home during the day. Your DH works set hours and is usually home by 4:00 in the afternoon. Imagine if you worked full time. Imagine having to leave work, rush to get your children picked up by a certain time, rush to the store (or stores) to get your errands done, rush home, get children occupied, cook dinner, clean kitchen, do laundry, help with homework. EVERY NIGHT!!!! And while you are attempting to get all of that accomplished your are trying to maintain relationships and you are TTC!!!!!! So GF, I will be going on the trip with you. But once we return to our daily lives, don't expect me to help you with a holiday party, don't expect me to help you with your children's parties. I want to be your friend 52 weeks a year, not just the weeks when you have no one else to complain to or when you need a flunky to help you get something done. Call someone else! Or you could always start a blog and then you can complain and vent to nobody like I do ;-) you think the Clomid is affecting me just a bit.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Still around

It has been a week since I posted. I have taken my Clomid. I have cried.......over stupid things. I have had a mild case of some sort of stomach bug (whatever I ate quickly became a very low cal meal). CW#1 has been bitching to me constantly for the last week about how hard she works and since she doesn't get paid extra, she is going to make sure that she gets what is coming to her. She hasn't worked a full week in almost 2 months. This means she gets behind and all of a sudden she is in a rush to get it done. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just her doing it, but it requires the rest of us to stop what we are working on and finish up whatever she is behind on. It gets really old. CW#3 has the option to put a stop to that. But that would of course require he pull his head out of the sand. It's not going to happen.

I think I have complained enough about all of this. I am so tired of it, but I really don't have any one to vent to. I could vent to DH, but he would get tired of hearing about it all really quickly. Of course it is hard to vent to him since he is working pretty much all of the time.

As for the Clomid. I can feel the effects and I am constantly having to count to 20 before I open my mouth. I am also a little dizzy this time, which is a new symptom for me, but at least I haven't been nauseous at all. I will know in 2.5 weeks if it has worked or not. Actually, I will know in just a few days if this hen has laid any eggs, but the final outcome will not be known for a while. If all goes as I am praying for, I will be holding a little blessing around the end of July. DD will be almost 4 and a half and Wild Child will be 5 while Sweet Girl will be just over a year old. This has been such a long ride, and not an altogether pleasant one. I am praying praying praying that this time is it!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

It's Official

CW #1 and I have had some major issues over the last couple of years. But so far this year, it had not been too bad. That is until about 20 minutes ago. She has now entered her 'I am professional. I am organized. I am in CHARGE! mode. This does not bode well for me. She is a little bit two faced when it comes to all of that. It is okay for her to do it, but heaven forbid if anyone else does. I am sure that doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone, but that is okay. Just know that I will continue to be just me, and she will continue to journey on down the *itch lane and by Christmas things will probably blow up around here. But hey, maybe by then I will be pg and I can just attribute it all to hormones.

1 more day till the Clomid journey begins.

Not Bad

I'm not feeling too bad today. Still doing ok with AF being here. I plan on starting Clomid tomorrow. Went and had my hair done last night. I'm loving the color, but not loving the cut as much. But it is hair, it will grow.

CW's are all quiet today. GF added me as a friend on facebook, but didn't leave a message. Ran into BFF over the weekend, but haven't gotten to spend much time with her. We talk almost every day, but our lives are just so busy. (especially hers, she has 4 small children!).

My dad called this morning to see if we were going to come and see them for Thanksgiving. I don't think he was to very happy when I said that we were not. Then he called again wondering if we were coming for Christmas. Has it maybe occurred to him, that they could come to see us?!???! DH wants to spend turkey day with the IL's, which is fine with me. As for Christmas, I just really like to be home. I had actually been thinking of trying to take a few days and go on a little mini trip, but that may be out of the picture now. I am also really, really, really hoping to be pg by then. Which would mean, I might be a little sick on a car trip. Guess I will have to talk to DH and check the calendar.


Monday, October 20, 2008

Here she is

Had a pretty good week-end. Spent most of it at home, but it was productive. Spent time with my family. Spent time at church. Did not think about work. Tried to not think at all.

AF is here. I don't seem to mind. I usually get pretty upset when she shows up, but I am okay with it right now. Wednesday I will start another round of Clomid. Yippeee for me! Then I will wait for AF again. Only I pray that she decides not to travel to see me this time. I am pretty sure she is exhausted from all of the traveling she does. She needs to take a break. A nine month break.

Last night after DD went to sleep and DH had left to go to work, I went into her room and just sat on the floor next to her bed. I am still amazed that God gave her to me. I am a mom. I am her mom. I have been incredibly blessed to raise and love this child. After waiting so long for her, I still sometimes cannot believe that I have her. And she is growing up so very fast. Yesterday, she fell asleep in my arms. I reveled in it. DH kept wanting to know if I needed him to take her and put her down. Nope! I was in heaven. If she had slept for hours, I think I would have held her for hours, but it was only about 30 minutes. I was actually sad when she woke up and wanted me to put her down. Thank you Lord for my beautiful girl.

On another note, how on earth do you have a job, where you are supposed to work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, yet it has been over a month since a full week was worked, and no sick for vacation time was used. I have some CW's that somehow manage to do that. I want the same employment package that they are getting. Apparently, I got shortchanged in that department.

And yet another note, I have not heard from GF in weeks, except when she wants something. I have actually only seen her once in the last month and probably only talked to her twice. I am starting to wonder about this relationship. We have a little trip planned next month and then of course there are the holidays and we do attend some of the same functions, so I am thinking that after the first of the year, I will need to reevaluate this relationship. It may be time to move on.


Friday, October 17, 2008


If I make it through today, I will have made it through another week. I would like to say that my mood improved during the course of the week...........and it did.................only to pretty much go back the way it was on Monday. I really don't know if I can blame it on the drugs or not. But between the Clomid, the mess at home, the DH that doesn't seem to want to help out and the CW's bickering and complaining all the time, I think I am about to lose my ever loving mind.

Calgon..............take me away!

At least it is Friday..................THANK GOODNESS!!! There is no coming to work tomorrow and I am praying that I will feel better tomorrow and actually get myself up and out of the house. Or at least off the couch. I have so much to do and so many things I want to do. I would really like to pack up some more of my DD's older clothes and get them put away. I would like to get the living room cleaned up and there are some stains on the floor that I really need to tackle. And then there are ALL the leaves outside. Oh the joys of living out in the country. Fall leaves. I promised DH that I would help him this year get them all up. DD will have fun out there with us this year "helping", so it would be something we could do as a family. Plus, I really want to take her to the pumpin patch since we haven't done that yet.

You know, just getting this all out, I am feeling better right now and I would love to go home and actually do some of this. Too bad I have to stay at work and earn a living so I can pay some bills!


Monday, October 13, 2008

melancholy monday

I am blah! I have been that way for a few days now. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to curl up on my couch and be by myself. The only thing that would be okay is if my DD would want to curl up with me. (but I know that it would only last for a few minutes.) I remember feeling some of this before I was pregnant with DD and I was taking the clomid. I started taking it again last month and I remember why I didn't really want to take it to begin with. I feel like there are times I could just bust into tears for no reason. Other times I go from feeling okay to being incredibly angry and mad in no time flat and just really want to tear someones head off. And then there are times like this...........just blah!

I really think if I could just get life around me organized and neat, it would help me to feel better. I have completely lost control of my house and DH just walks over it....literally. If something is on the floor, he will not stop for two seconds and pick it up. So then I run around trying to get all the 'new' messes picked up and I just get mad because he didn't. And as for a dining room table...........I think I used to have one of those, but it is now forever buried under a mountain of .....stuff! I don't even know where to I just don't. But then I think about possibly having another baby, and I know I can't bring another child into all the chaos that I call home and then I start to wonder if that is one of the reason's that God took my baby and hasn't given me another one. See, it really isn't good to get all melancholy.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Happy Wednesday

It is wednesday. It is almost noon. The week is about 1/2 over. Yippeee~!

I am ready for a weekend away from work. It is full of bs around here. CW#1 has been sitting around complaining for 2 1/2 days now about everybody else. CW#2 is in a funky mood and CW#3 needs to grow a pair and take care of business instead of letting those around him walk all over him. This week we had 2 days notice that we had to empty out our offices for carpet cleaning. Why now?? Could this not wait until later? What about being considerate and giving some notice? Have you not noticed that there are some heavy pieces of furniture in these offices? Not to mention books, knick knacks and just a lot of junk that has to be boxed up first. And let's not forget all the new projects that have been piled on our desks. When would you like those done? Maybe the ninth of never!!

I am frustrated and trying really hard not to let it show. Why did CW#3 just not tell the powers that be that scheduled all of this that it was just going to have to wait? I'll tell you why...CW#3 never tells anyone no....unless it directly affects him and this does not!

Okay - enough moaning and groaning. I'm a big girl - I have stated how I felt about all of this even though I knew it would not do any good. So here I am moaning and groaning about it. I do feel better now.


Monday, October 6, 2008

I survived it all

Made it home all in one piece (and will all our luggage). Got to bed incredibly late. Got up incredibly early. Drove to a reunion that I didn't want to be at. Went shopping afterwards and came home and went to bed incredibly early.

The reunion was not as bad as I thought it would be. The food was even okay. It was nice to spend the day with DD and DH and even the IL's :-) Most of the other relatives had never met my DD so it was fun to show her off. She is pretty cute if I do say so myself.

Today is is back to work. Usually when I have been away from the office, I get the silent treatment when I return. Like I am being punished for actually using the vacation days that are owed to me for working. But after almost 10 years of this, I am getting used to it. I come to work, do my job, go home. And try to stay out of all the drama! That ends up being easier said than done.

Just Me

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Here I go

Today (and tomorrow) are going to be very long days. Today I spend with my family. Then my DD and I will travel home and tomorrow we spend the entire day with DH's family at a reunion. I am really not looking forward to either day, except for the part where I spend it all with my DD and at least some of it with my DH. But I am sure that when we are at the reunion tomorrow he will leave me to go talk to his cousins and aunts and uncles. Me.......I haven't seen these people in 15 years and quiet frankly, I have been okay with that :-)

But all that said, maybe it won't be so bad! The food could be really good ;-)

Just Me

Friday, October 3, 2008

1st post

This is just me talking about how I feel or think about whatever I want. I will not mention any names on here in order to protect privacy. I will however say what I want about whomever or whatever I want because this is my blog. This is going to be my place to vent. A place where I can go and get whatever is on my mind and bugging me off of my mind. So if you decide to read this, I am happy to have you, but be warned that I may not always be nice but since I don't know any of you just be assured that none of this will be directed towards you unless at some point you give me a reason to.

Just Me