The door that is. Aunt Flo decided that she was tired of knocking and waiting for me to answer so she just took the entire door right down. I was late. Very late. Late to the point that even though I had thought she was knocking, I was pregnant. I went to the store to get some HPT's. I then decided that evening to wait one more day. I started spotting that night and cramping. It actually reminded me of the night I started to miscarry. I went to bed, woke up in the middle of the night really hurting. I took some Tylenol and checked, but I still was only spotting. I thought, well maybe this is that 'implantation bleeding'. I was still hopeful. Got up to get ready for work and felt like my insides were starting to fall out. Again, it reminded me of the miscarriage. Went to the bathroom and I was bleeding...heavily. I just wanted to cry...loudly. I went ahead and got ready for work. SIL #3 and Sweet Girl game to visit me and I just sat in my desk chair and loved on her. After a while SIL #3 came right out and asked me if I was OK. I was honest enough to tell her no, but I didn't really go into the full story. She actually remembered that it was getting close to my EDD. I was surprised. She is usually not that perceptive. When they went to go leave and I got up to help her get everything out to the car, I knew that there was a problem. I managed to get outside, get her and Sweet Girl in their car and myself into the restroom. I thought I was going to be sick afterwards. I don't know for certain, but I am fairly positive that I was pregnant and was (still am) having another miscarriage. It is just too similar from the last time. I know I am getting older and pushing 40, but there are so many older women now that are having children. Why can't I be one of them?
I am struggling. Badly. There are some other things going on right now, but I really think it all centers around this and the fact that my patience is really thin with everything else. I also don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Everybody seems to think I should be over the fact that I lost my baby and just move on (DH included). And since I never confirmed this pregnancy, most people will think I am just being overly dramatic. I am not trying to be a drama queen here, I am just trying to have a baby.
1 comment:
That Aunt Flo is a major bitch and has thwarted my baby-making efforts for the last six years.
I'm also being treated for "unexplained" infertility, and it sucks, but I have faith that everything is in God's hands, whether that's a baby or not. :)
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