Friday, January 30, 2009

When will it finally happen?

I am on CD16. I have been using those stupid test strips for 6 days now. Still not ovulating. I have a faint second line, but I need them to both be dark. Of course I figure that will happen tonight and DH is out of town. I was supposed to go with him, but the weather is bad so we decided I should just stay home with DD.

I have noticed another side effect of the Femara. My libido is pretty much non-existent. This is not a good thing when you need to make a baby. I am hoping if I ever ovulate, that something will kick in and I will be a little more "into" it (if you get what I mean).

Since I am with out a hubby tonight along with SIL#3 we are supposed to get together so the kids can play. Another friend called this morning and her hubby is going to be working tonight and she wants to get together too. We were pregnant together so her youngest is the same age as my DD. So I could end up having a really great night tonight and if I don't, DD will :-)

All of this baby making stuff is really starting to get to DH and I. It was really bothering me, and I remembered that it happened when we were trying to get pregnant the first time. It got so bad we ended up separating for almost two months. Of course that was after about 3 years of trying and it ended up being another 4 years before I got pregnant with DD. It has been 3 years since we started trying again and even though I did get pregnant, we miscarried so we still don't have another baby in the house. Unfortunately, I am not getting any younger and I really don't have another 4-5 years to do this. So I think that we are only going to give it another couple of months and then we are done. I never wanted to have only one child. I was an only child and I always said I wouldn't do that. Obviously, the Lord may have other plans for us.

Well, January is all but over. I wonder what February will bring?

Monday, January 26, 2009

New Week, New Day, New Beginning

Last week was the week when my sweet angel was supposed to enter the world. I made it through the day by staying incredibly busy and getting hugs from DD whenever I could. The next day I woke up and decided that I just really didn't want to face people, so I called into work and spent the day with my DD. Went and had lunch with SIL #3, Wild Child and Sweet Girl. Survived the weekend in pretty much the same manner.

Driving along today at lunch it hit me. I am supposed to be at home on maternity leave snuggling with my new baby. I am supposed to have a big flabby belly, my feet should still be swollen and my nipples should be sore from breastfeeding. Instead I have been at work and out running errands. I just want to cry. Nobody wants to see me cry. So I will continue to hold it in. For now.

Finished my first round of Femara. I have had a MAJOR headache every day since the second dose. I have been nauseous when I eat and nauseous when I don't. I have been pretty moody, but I don't really know if you can attribute that to the drugs or just to me :-) I started the OPK test strips yesterday. Negative. This is when I ovulated with DD. I guess I am just ovulating later (if at all). Time will tell. I am soooooo tired. I want another baby, but I am getting to the point where I am having to make myself do this every month. It is not fun and I am pretty sure that DH is not having a good time either.

Saw GF over the weekend. Actually, I have seen her at some point the past two weekends. It was kinda weird. I really have no use for that relationship anymore, but it was good to see her. DH feels that she just uses me when it is convenient for her and he is probably right. I need to quit worrying about this relationship. I need to just quit. I need to take it for what it is. But she was a friend that I thought would understand some of what I am going through. She struggled to get pregnant. She had a miscarriage. She has two children. It only took her 6 months each time with fertility drugs to get pregnant. I think I have decided that she really doesn't get it. She got it up to the point that she had a problem - she took drugs. She doesn't get that it was a 7-8 year struggle the first time and a 2 1/2 year struggle the second time (only to have a miscarriage) and it has now been 7 months and still no pregnancy. It sucks!!! Enough about that!!

I have two followers now!!! I have no idea who these people are, but they are reading this. So welcome! I tend to ramble on, but since this is my blog, I can do that. Feel free to comment, tell me what you are thinking. I would love to get to know each of you better.

Monday, January 19, 2009

New day

I am doing better on this cold and snowy Monday. I have been dreading this week, but so far, I am feeling so much better than I was last week. I did have a dream last night that I got to hold my sweet angel. It is an image that I have managed to keep in my head all morning. Peace. That is what it has given me. No....that is what He has given me. I pray that it continues.

Took my first Femara yesterday. So far the only thing has been when I ate this morning, I got nauseous. But it wasn't too bad. It was a little freaky to open up the bag yesterday and pull out the insert and the first sentence read something like "for treating breast cancer patients". Really made me stop and think about it.

DD is sick again. We just finished her antibiotic last week. I don't really want her another round of so we are trying to just treat it ourselves this time. So far, so good! Have a good week - and Happy Monday!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Will it ever stop....

....hurting??? While giving DD a bath last night I had to go pee. Only to discover that Aunt Flo had snuck in the door. I had not had any PMS symptoms - NONE! But then again, I hadn't really felt any pregnancy ones either. But the pain of once again not being pregnant struck. I made it through the evening last night. I even slept fairly well. Didn't really think about it at all. Made it through the early morning routine. Then it hit. I am supposed to be in my final week of my pregnancy. Still I was doing okay. Not great. But okay.

DH took DD today, so I drove into town by myself today. 25 minutes alone. Usually I love this. But about 5 minutes into the drive, I just started to cry. I cried the whole way to work (so now I look like I have a really bad cold). When I had the miscarriage, I was devastated, but I honestly thought that I would get pregnant again quickly. When that didn't happen, I just knew that I would be pregnant again by the time my due date rolled around. I thought - "God knows how much I want this. He will take care of me and He won't let that day pass with out another baby in my tummy." Well, God does know how much I want this. God does take care of me. But obviously, it was not in his plan for me to have another child yet. But it still hurts!

And then I wonder - when does it stop. I have kept track of this entire "pregnancy" like my body was still pregnant. I didn't have it written down, I never counted the weeks, but I knew! I knew when I was supposed to be 20 weeks along. I knew when I should have hit that 32 week mark. And I know that I should be giving birth any day now. So ...... in a month, am I still going to be going "I should have a newborn now. I should have a six week old now. I should be preparing for her first birthday."? When does it stop???

And then to top it off. I heard from the OB's office yesterday. According to the labs I had done, it appears I "may" have been pregnant last month. Why did they tell me that!!!??? And what do they mean by "may have been"? I knew that my cycle was really different last month, but I never took a test, so I didn't really know. And after doing all of my research on Femara and reading some of the new studies on Clomid, I have discovered that Clomid over time and cause the uterine lining to thin, thereby not able to sustain a pregnancy. So in other words, in trying to have a baby, I may have now made my body unable to have a baby. See it just gets better and better.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tick Tock

According to the calendar, Aunt Flo should arrive tomorrow. But I am expecting her to be late. Since I discovered that I ovulated late, I am not expecting her to show up until Friday or Saturday. So far, I really am not having any symptoms either way. I really feel no different than I did a week ago. (except that I am not sleeping well and I ache from head to toe).

I did some more research on Clomid vs. Femara. I am liking the fact that the Femara has a lower dose of estrogen and it really doesn't seem to have any different side effects than Clomid. But it still bothers me that it is a drug that is used primarily for Chemo patients. I have been on and off of the Clomid for almost 2 years now. DH made his first ever comment regarding the drugs and my state of mind. I knew it was affecting me, but I had really started to think that maybe I was controlling it and hiding it pretty well. Apparently not, he was just kind enough to not say anything. So the clock it ticking, I am waiting, patiently for now. I am not expecting to see a BFP this month, but I am, as always, hopeful. If Aunt Flo does arrive, then I guess I will be having a little date with the new guy, Femara.

On a side note::::CW#1 is in all her glory this week (and last). She is talking behind every one's backs and thinks that no one notices. I actually don't think that CW#2 does notice. She just thinks that CW#1 really needs her and trusts her with all this 'valuable' information. NOT!!! A couple of years ago, this situation got REALLY bad and I came very close to leaving. But I decided that that was not the answer. I needed to show my daughter that you don't run from adversity, but you face it head on (with your head up) and fight! It was a very long and lonely time for me at work, but I came through it (actually, I think that God brought me through it). It is starting to feel very similar to that again. But again, I will not leave! Now if it were ever possible for me to become a SAHM, I would walk out of here in a heartbeat, but for now, I will stay. And I will continue to vent on here when the need to yell arised :-)

Friday, January 9, 2009

So hard

Had my annual visit with my OB-Gyn today. Didn't really think much about it. I go every year right after the first of the year. But as I walked through the door, all I could think about was the last time I was in there. And they told me I was losing my baby. They were very compassionate though and they did kinda hurry me through there and I was able to get out quickly. He is putting me on Femara (I think that is how it is spelled) instead of Clomid. I am going to have to do some more research on it. Unfortunately, since I was so upset while I was there, I didn't really ask the appropriate questions. I think I am going to have to make a list and give them a call next week.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Could it be?

I have not been feeling good for a couple of days. So obviously, my mind starts to wonder....could it be because this time I am actually pregnant? Or could it be because of the evil Clomid that a lot of the time it seems to mimic pregnancy symptoms. I hate that stuff!!! My patience is incredibly short today and CW#1 is riding it hard! Her crisis is apparently supposed to be my emergency and it really isn't. There are way more important things that what she is needing.

Yesterday morning, I found out that a guy I know (actually I know his wife more) unexpectedly passed away. He was very young. Had been married I think for 11 years and they have 2 small children. He was in the hospital to have some heart tests run and died in his hospital bed of a heart attack while on the phone. It is still not quiet sinking in that this has happened. So on the grand scale of things......a lot of what is going on really doesn't matter. So why do I let it get to me?

I am praying that by the end of next week, I will have that BFP. A girl that I know that had a miscarriage a couple of weeks after I did just announced that she is almost 2 months along. I am very happy for her, but very sad and even a little angry at the same time. I am soooo sick of feeling this way. Why is so easy for some people to have children (and I am NOT saying that it was easy for her), and then there are those of us that for whatever reason, just can't!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Only 6 days in

It is only January 6th, but already I feel like January has gone on forever!! I have been so stinkin' busy that surely everything that has gone on can't have happened in only 6 days. January is turning out to be even busier than December was. How on earth is that possible??? Isn't January when you are supposed to wind down from the hectic hub-bub of the holidays? Guess not!!!

Well, we are six days into the new year, and I still have not talked to the parents. I sent them pictures from when they were here, and I got an e-mail from mom thanking me. Still haven't talked to Gf either. And I am no longer stressing over it. It is what it is and I think that is all it will ever be. We are going to be at a couple of the same functions this month, but by that point, it will have been over two months since we have seen each other. I even still have Christmas gifts for her kids at home. Can't get them to her because she will never call me back.

Another interesting note about myself....I am not stressing this month during my 2ww. I usually am already counting out the days and wondering if each little symptom I may be experiencing means I'm pregnant. I guess I just am not really expecting it even though it seems to have worked out better this month.

Today is January 6th. It is 2 weeks and 1 day until my EDD for my sweet angel. I really struggled during the holidays with this, but I have been praying so much lately and I am beginning to feel some peace. I have been dreading January for months now. I also thought I would be pregnant again by now. But for the last couple of days, I have been doing okay. Not great. But okay. I still look down and think I should be looking at an incredibly large belly. And in a flash I get really mad and really angry - and then I get sad and I am okay. Sadness I can handle, but the anger was really getting to me. I don't want to be angry at God. I know he can handle it, but I also know that it just hurts!!! I want my baby back!!! There I said it!!! It almost makes me cry....okay I am crying...but that's okay. I am okay!!! I better go now before I am not okay!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Look out 2009!!

I am so ready for a new year. 2008 just wasn't the year it was cracked up to be. What I had thought was going to be a wonderful year.......quite frankly.......sucked. There was tons of drama among the IL's family. We lost our sweet angel. The relationship with the parents has gone down the toilet. Relationship with GF is also down the toilet. Financially, we are not where we need to be. Our house is in dire need of some repairs/upgrades. I have been unable to get pregnant again. (which is probably what makes the year so crappy!)

The has been really strained with them for a while now, but I had made several attempts. I went and visited them a couple of times. I phoned. But finally it hit me. I was doing all of this. The only time the mother would phone was if she was out shopping and needed to ask a question. The dad would phone occasionally, but then again, I had always been a daddy's girl. Finally I refused to go visit them during the holidays. It had been TWO years since they had come our way. If they wanted to see us and DD they were going to have to come here. I did cave in and finally asked them to come for Christmas. And they did!!! I was shocked! But after the first day, I was ready for them to leave. It was just uncomfortable and I really could not explain why. They did end up leaving early and I was soooo okay with it. And except for the phone call when they arrived home, I have not talked to them since. This was the first year of my life that I did not speak to my parents on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day or New Years Eve. I realized I had always been the one to do the calling. They can call me.

GF.....I did try to call her. She wasn't home so I spoke with her DH. She never called me back. Not surprising really, but very disappointing. I am so wanting to just end it, but our kids are friends so I may not be able to completely dismiss it. However, I am going to figure out a way where I am not at her beck and call like I have been the last couple of years.

Baby.....I took a small dose of Clomid and then realized that my parents were going to be here when I was supposed to be ovulating. I went ahead and tested anyway, but it was negative. I was not surprised but very disappointed. On a whim, I tested the day my parents left (since they left early) and there was a slight positive....OMG!!! I had been ovulating so early that I was shocked! Finally on day 15 I got a BIG positive. So I am thinking that those few months where I didn't think I was ovulating, I may have been ovulating late. So I guess technically, I am in the 2ww, but since I have been ovulating I think I will be late.......hopefully I will be 9 months late :-)

So for 2009, I wish for better relationships.....with the IL's, with the parents, friends. I wish for some stability financially that we are able to make some improvements to our home and if the Lord sees fit this year, I would really like to take a REAL vacation. I also am praying for a baby. This is my last chance. If I don't have a baby this year, my DD will be an only child. I am not going to continue to put myself, my husband and my DD through this anymore.

So what are you wishing for this year?