Last week was the week when my sweet angel was supposed to enter the world. I made it through the day by staying incredibly busy and getting hugs from DD whenever I could. The next day I woke up and decided that I just really didn't want to face people, so I called into work and spent the day with my DD. Went and had lunch with SIL #3, Wild Child and Sweet Girl. Survived the weekend in pretty much the same manner.
Driving along today at lunch it hit me. I am supposed to be at home on maternity leave snuggling with my new baby. I am supposed to have a big flabby belly, my feet should still be swollen and my nipples should be sore from breastfeeding. Instead I have been at work and out running errands. I just want to cry. Nobody wants to see me cry. So I will continue to hold it in. For now.
Finished my first round of Femara. I have had a MAJOR headache every day since the second dose. I have been nauseous when I eat and nauseous when I don't. I have been pretty moody, but I don't really know if you can attribute that to the drugs or just to me :-) I started the OPK test strips yesterday. Negative. This is when I ovulated with DD. I guess I am just ovulating later (if at all). Time will tell. I am soooooo tired. I want another baby, but I am getting to the point where I am having to make myself do this every month. It is not fun and I am pretty sure that DH is not having a good time either.
Saw GF over the weekend. Actually, I have seen her at some point the past two weekends. It was kinda weird. I really have no use for that relationship anymore, but it was good to see her. DH feels that she just uses me when it is convenient for her and he is probably right. I need to quit worrying about this relationship. I need to just quit. I need to take it for what it is. But she was a friend that I thought would understand some of what I am going through. She struggled to get pregnant. She had a miscarriage. She has two children. It only took her 6 months each time with fertility drugs to get pregnant. I think I have decided that she really doesn't get it. She got it up to the point that she had a problem - she took drugs. She doesn't get that it was a 7-8 year struggle the first time and a 2 1/2 year struggle the second time (only to have a miscarriage) and it has now been 7 months and still no pregnancy. It sucks!!! Enough about that!!
I have two followers now!!! I have no idea who these people are, but they are reading this. So welcome! I tend to ramble on, but since this is my blog, I can do that. Feel free to comment, tell me what you are thinking. I would love to get to know each of you better.
1 comment:
April 7th this year would of been my due date and I predict that I will struggle to get passed it in a sane manner. I can only imagine how you have felt these last days. I seem to notice that as the days/weeks/months pass I feel more affected by it all (I miscarried in Sept at exactly 12 weeks). and in some bizarre way, more bitter. Bitter that I couldn't keep our baby alive inside me.
I don't blame you for wanting to keep busy and it sounds like you did a good job. Your DD sounds like she was willing to supply you with love and cuddles.
As for rambling - ramble away!
Carolyne.
Post a Comment