....hurting??? While giving DD a bath last night I had to go pee. Only to discover that Aunt Flo had snuck in the door. I had not had any PMS symptoms - NONE! But then again, I hadn't really felt any pregnancy ones either. But the pain of once again not being pregnant struck. I made it through the evening last night. I even slept fairly well. Didn't really think about it at all. Made it through the early morning routine. Then it hit. I am supposed to be in my final week of my pregnancy. Still I was doing okay. Not great. But okay.
DH took DD today, so I drove into town by myself today. 25 minutes alone. Usually I love this. But about 5 minutes into the drive, I just started to cry. I cried the whole way to work (so now I look like I have a really bad cold). When I had the miscarriage, I was devastated, but I honestly thought that I would get pregnant again quickly. When that didn't happen, I just knew that I would be pregnant again by the time my due date rolled around. I thought - "God knows how much I want this. He will take care of me and He won't let that day pass with out another baby in my tummy." Well, God does know how much I want this. God does take care of me. But obviously, it was not in his plan for me to have another child yet. But it still hurts!
And then I wonder - when does it stop. I have kept track of this entire "pregnancy" like my body was still pregnant. I didn't have it written down, I never counted the weeks, but I knew! I knew when I was supposed to be 20 weeks along. I knew when I should have hit that 32 week mark. And I know that I should be giving birth any day now. So ...... in a month, am I still going to be going "I should have a newborn now. I should have a six week old now. I should be preparing for her first birthday."? When does it stop???
And then to top it off. I heard from the OB's office yesterday. According to the labs I had done, it appears I "may" have been pregnant last month. Why did they tell me that!!!??? And what do they mean by "may have been"? I knew that my cycle was really different last month, but I never took a test, so I didn't really know. And after doing all of my research on Femara and reading some of the new studies on Clomid, I have discovered that Clomid over time and cause the uterine lining to thin, thereby not able to sustain a pregnancy. So in other words, in trying to have a baby, I may have now made my body unable to have a baby. See it just gets better and better.
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