Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Just breath

That is what I am trying to do....breath! You might think that that is something that is easy to do and something that you shouldn't have to think about should just come naturally. And it those that don't have a head full of snot!!! Yes, my friends, that is where I am right "snotland". I was coughing and having a sore throat along with no voice one minute and the next, my head was so full and the pressure so great I thought my head was going to blow!!! Needless to say, it did not, but I C.A.N.N.O.T. breath~!!!!

Finished my meds on Friday, ended up beyond nauseous from it, but fortunately, I never did develop the headaches like I did last month. Started peeing on those stupid sticks on Sunday, got the result I expected (negative) and went on with things. Monday night I peed again on a stick and when I went back to check it, I was shocked.....It didn't work it's way up to was blazing positive. I started spinning around (and of course started coughing) and then realized that it didn't do any good because DH was.not.home!!! He was out of town and wouldn't be home until long after I should be asleep! I ended up falling asleep and didn't even hear him come in the house. Woke up in the morning and I felt better (as in I wasn't coughing as much and my voice was better), but when he woke up.....he was sick! This is where I said "You have GOT to be freakin' kidding me!!" Last night I tested again just to make sure.... Yup...POSITIVE!!! I was determined to drug ourselves up and to get busy!!!

But then...out of head fills up faster than the city dump and did I mention... I C.A.N.N.O.T. breath!!! So what is a woman that is rapidly approaching forty, who is struggling with IF and has been taking one form or another of fertility inducing drugs going on 3 years while in the midst of early menopause now to do..... I'll tell you what you do..... You do IT anyway. Was it enjoyable............uhmmmmmmm.......NO! But it was done! Now I just have to do IT again. For at least three more days (according to the doctor :-0 ). Maybe I will be able to breath tonight and it will at least me a bit more pleasant experience.

I will say that most months, if DH and I had been in this situation, it would have just been decided that this was not our month and we would try again next month. At one point I did think that and I started to cry, DH looked at me and thought I was crying because we weren't going to have sex. No, I was crying because I was trying to figure out if I could say goodbye to my dream of having another child. I think that was a turning point for him, because even though he also felt like crap that had been stomped on, he wasn't going to let it go. It just really wasn't an option in his mind. Later on while we were trying to get ourselves comfortable so we could sleep (which is difficult to do when you can't breath....especially when you lay down)....he asked me "So would this be a Christmas baby? A Christmas baby would be pretty cool." I just smiled and said no honey, it would be a Thanksgiving baby. He thought that was even better....something extra special to the thankful for this year.

So even though he and I have been in totally different places emotionally on this IF journey, it was wonderful to have been in the same spot on the same day at the same time. It was wonderful to have him pick me up when I was down and carry me for a bit on this journey. I don't have to let go of my dream yet and it is amazing to look over and see my dream in his eyes.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


That is how I feel - Yuck!! I was finally able to get the rest of my prescription from the pharmacy late yesterday afternoon. It ended up being a big mess, because apparently, the script was called in correctly, they messed up, so it was tricky trying to get it all into the computer properly so I could pay the balance.

Last month, the first couple of days on the Femara, I was incredibly nauseous (it didn't seem to matter whether I ate or not) and I had horrible headaches for days. This time, I had a headache the first day (and I don't think it was related to the meds) and then I was fine....until last night. I have been sick to my stomach and cramping. Of course it doesn't help that I am trying to get sick. I have a cough and a bit of a sore throat. But when you haven't had any sleep in over a month and your DD has been sick that entire time, you are bound to get sick sooner or later.

Today and tomorrow and I am done for this month. Then it is up to my ovaries and DH's little guys to do their job. And is anyone but me getting really really tired of peeing on sticks!?!?!?!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Not meant to be???

That is the question I have been asking myself since yesterday evening. When I got off of work, I went over to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I paid for it and thought at the time that it should have been twice the amount they had me pay, but I was in a hurry and needed desperately to do some food shopping so we could eat dinner and DD would be able to eat in the morning. Not to mention, I was trying to get all this done before I went to pick her up. I went and got my groceries and got them unloaded and while I was waiting to pay I pulled out the prescription and looked....2.5 mg....take 1 tab.....WHAT!!! I was supposed to have 5.0 mg!!! I looked at my watch, but it was too late to call the doctor's office. I paid for my groceries and went back to the pharmacy, but they couldn't do anything.

So, first thing this morning, I called and spoke with the head nurse (she was off last week) and she apologized for the mix-up, but said she would call and have it ready by lunch. So I don't go out to eat with everyone else, instead I go back to the pharmacy and would you believe....they don't have it!!!! I am stunned and somewhat dismayed! I get some lunch, come back to work and I just call over there to see if they have it yet (it is almost 4:00 p.m.).....they don't! I sit back in my chair. I am really not sure how I feel except that I am now wondering if the good Lord is trying to tell me that this is not the way for me to be going. I call over to the doctor's office again and she tells me that she will not be able to get the prescriptions done for another 45 minutes. Then I would have to wait at least 20 minutes for the pharmacy to put the little pills in a bottle, print a label and do their paperwork. Which means I will probably not be able to get them today either. DH is supposed to be out tonight so I have to get DD picked up early tonight (since I was late yesterday). This is so frustrating!!! I went ahead and took 5.0 mg last night and I will be able to tonight, but I HAVE to get that prescription tomorrow!!

I woke up this morning with a killer headache that was bad enough to make my eyelids swell almost shut. Boy that was pretty. Luckily, I took some Advil and it eventually (along with the caffeine) worked and I am feeling okay now. I am actually hoping that it is just allergies that are bothering me and it's not the Femara. I really want this to work this time...really....really...really!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Day 3

I had not realized that it had been a week since I had posted. It was a horrible week last week. I knew what was coming....I knew I could not stop it....yet, I prayed, and I hoped, and I prayed some more. Friday the 13th - it happened. Aunt Flo came barging in and didn't even knock first.

I was supposed to have called the doctor to let him know when (or if) I ovulated. I kept putting it off. I finally called Friday. Not 15 minutes after I got off the phone with him......I thought "I don't feel good." Went to the restroom...........and there she was! It had already been a pissy morning, and the day just did not get any better.

So today, I have to pick up my next round of Femara. And start taking it tonight. He is increasing the dosage. I can only imagine what it is going to do to me. I only just started feeling like a human again this past week after last month. I am nervous about it too. I didn't ovulate last month, I had horrible headaches, I was nauseous, I was incredibly moody. I didn't like people. I had already decided that I was going to be done with ALL of this by spring. Knowing that it didn't work last month, I am really nervous about trying it again (and in larger doses) this month. I am praying..........

In other news, DD has been sick and I took her to the doctor last week. He has put her on a double round of antibiotics. She has now become the spawn of Satan!! She can go from being a sweet girl to completely irrational in 5.2 seconds. It is going to be a very long couple of weeks :-( And DH is going to be out of town some. GREAT!!!!

GF has once again fallen off the face of my planet. We were actually speaking to each other quiet a bit and then all of a sudden, she rushes off the phone one day and says "I'll call you back in 5 minutes!!".....that was 5 days ago! Why am I surprised!

Work is ...... work. It has been pretty quiet and I am trying to lie low. CW#1 & #2 are behind closed doors alot and I really don't want to get in the middle of things. I also am beginning to think that CW#3 may soon be unemployed. There are some people around here (me included) that need to mind their p's and q's (like, for example...not spending time blogging when there is work to be done :-) )

Hope you ladies managed to have a nice V-day on Saturday. We didn't do anything special. We spent the day together as a family. We purchased a new large entertainment center for the living room, we went and had a nice late lunch at a nice restaurant (yes, we did take DD with us), and we went to the mall and walked around and did some shopping. I bought nothing, but DD and DH made out like bandits :-) Then we went home and watched TV and played with DD till she went to bed.

Have a great week!

Monday, February 9, 2009


Why do I always feel like I am waiting for Aunt Flo to show up? Why do I feel like my life revolves around her? Why do I feel like I am living my life in 2 week increments? Oh yeah....because I am!!! It is getting old!

I have mentioned before how tired I am of all of this. I think about it constantly. I really think that in another couple of months I am going to be done with this. But then again I think about having to give up the "dream". I don't know if I am actually ready to give up the "dream" yet. DH says he will do whatever I want. The decision is mine. I will be doing a lot of praying!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

No words...

I received a phone call today from DH telling me that a friend of ours is pregnant. I was speechless.

She got married about 7 years ago to a man that was about 15 years older than her. He had been divorced twice and had two kids, both of whom wanted nothing to do with him. She didn't get pregnant right away, so they began fertility treatments and they worked very quickly. She had a beautiful little girl. When their DD was about 2 they started having marital problems, he had started drinking again (apparently he is an alcoholic) and became violent. She left him and moved home and finally last year (their daughter is almost 6 now) she divorced him. Due to all the trauma and drama, her DD has had a lot of emotional issues (completely understandable). They don't even know where her ex-husband is at this point - either in jail or homeless. I asked her once (while they were still married, before I knew about all of the problems) if she would ever have another baby. She told them that she would never put herself and her body through all of that again due to all the problems she had not only getting pregnant but while she was pregnant (mind you, she got pregnant after her first round of Clomid).

She has dated a little and had recently told us about some guy she had met on the internet. The next thing I know is she is telling my DH that she is now about 7 weeks pregnant. Apparently, when they finally met IRL they hit it off and got a little busy.
It just amazes me that for someone that has been through what she has and has a child to take care of could be so irresponsible. It also amazes me that for someone that never wanted to get pregnant again would be so irresponsible. And I will admit to some jealousy I guess. I just cannot believe that she is having a baby and I am not. She lives with her parents, she has a job that doesn't pay the bills, she has an abusive ex-husband that doesn't pay child-support and has been known to just show up and go a little crazy. I am married, we own our home, we both have decent jobs. I am back to asking why. Why would God allow her to have another child, but I cannot. I know he has a plan - I just really would like to know what it is. I hate feeling this way. I hate it. I want to be happy for her, but I am having a hard time. DH says I should call her, but I just can't. I don't even know what I would say. I can't say "Congratulations!! I am sooo happy for you!." Because I am not happy for her. Isn't that awful!

Apparently I had some words after all. :-( When all is said and done, I do hope for the best for her, she still has a young child at home and now another on the way.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Nope - not this month!

It never happened! I never got that second dark line. I guess I didn't ovulate. I cannot believe how absolutely "bummed" I feel (for lack of a better word). It is like another little portion of that dream has been killed......again.

SIL #1 told me yesterday that she started with her shots this past week. It took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about. Then it hit me............I asked her if she was doing the Lupron injection and she is. They are going to try IVF again. I am so happy for them. I would love it if her and I could be pregnant at the same time. But even more so, I would love for them to be able to have at least one sweet little bundle of their own. I am praying really hard.

Had a great weekend, but this week is going to be a killer. DD is still sick and neither one of us got much sleep last night. She is going to be a real joy tonight :-) DH is going to be away a lot this week, but I am looking forward to some mommy/daughter time. I actually got away Saturday with some girlfriends and went and saw a movie - WOW!! That doesn't happen very often.

Talked to GF last night, but it was really all about her rough she had it this weekend. You know, I really didn't want to hear it, so as soon as I could I got off the phone and I still haven't called her back. Guess I am going to have to work myself up to listen to round two of her "woe is me" tale.