Drama Free!!

The past few days have been drama free and I like it that way!  I have been incredibly busy with my family and I like it that way. We have not heard from BIL#1.  I know that eventually we will and I will just deal with it when the time comes. 

I saw GF over the weekend.  She went from completely ignoring me to playing nice to asking me to lunch.  I agreed, but didn't hear from her today so I'm not holding my breath for that either.  And I am also okay with that. 

DD had a sleepover last night.  Missed her like mad, but it was good for her to spend time away from Mom and Dad. I so wish I could give her more...........but what parent doesn't want to be able to give their child more (and no, I am not just talking about material things)

I helped DH go through some of his Dad's things.  That was hard.  It was emotional.  But that was about the biggest drama I have had in days.  Just knowing that I am okay, I will be okay, my DD is happy, healthy and adjusting to the changes around us and that DH is going to be there for us at the end of the day is enough for me.  I am doing my best not to let what is going on around me get me down.  It is hard sometimes, and I do struggle with it, but I am trying. 

One more thing -
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day my Sweet Angel went to heaven.  I look forward to the day that I get to see her again.  Hard to believe that it has been 4 years! As I said............it is hard sometimes, I struggle with it at times, but I am trying.  And I know that I will be okay!!

CD5

It wasn't really a concious decision, but it was a decision nonetheless. AF arrived 3-5 days early. I wasn't happy, but I didn't get overly upset either. I found myself looking at a calendar and I kept focusing on CD3. So that night, I went to the medicine cabinet and dug around and found some of my leftover meds. I am going to give it another shot. It may not lead anywhere and I know that, but I have a sort of "calm" about it all right now. I still want another child, but I am so far removed from the every every 2-3 hour feedings and the diaper changes and the potty training that I have resigned myself to this is it.

In other news...... SIL#1 apparently got some bad results on her AFP. Instead of talking to any of us about it, she spent 3 days freaking out and acting like a class A bitch to all of us. We all found out over the weekend after it was all said and done and she had found out that everything was actually fine with the baby. She did find out that it is a baby girl. I am excited that DD is going to have another little girl cousin. But I am still wondering how the rest of the grandkids are going to be treated by MIL once this little bundle arrives.

We are supposed to go see BIL#1 this weekend. I am looking forward to it. I desparetly need to get away on a vacation though. DH didn't grow up going on vacations, so he doesn't really see the necessity in them. Therefore, the only time we get away is for family. I NEED A BEACH!!!

Don't think anyone is reading this anymore............and that's okay. But if you are reading it, I pray that all is well in your corner of insanity :-)

Blessed

I started writing this post early this morning with an entirely different slant.

A year ago I was on bed rest in the hopes of saving my baby. Didn't work. A year ago Sweet Girl was born. SIL#3 now has me helping to plan her first birthday party. A year ago I thought I was on top of the world. I am not.

Last night AF showed up - EARLY!!!

I have managed to keep myself together fairly well. I have stayed busy and really tried to just not think about things. This morning, I lost the battle. DH tried to ask me what was going on and I just couldn't talk. He finally guessed about AF and says "Well, I still love you." I could not even reply. Was he not going to love me if I was pregnant??? I finally managed to ask him if he knew what had happened a year ago. "No." I reminded him that WE had lost a child. He apologized and went to get ready for work. I know that men handle things differently. I know that my DH handles things differently. I know that he was not as affected by what happened as I was. I know all of that in my head, but my heart hurt!

So there I was having a little pity party and I finally went in to get DD's clothes ready for today. She was laying in her bed awake, so I went over to talk to her and snuggle. It hit me. I AM BLESSED!!! I have a home. I have a vehicle. I have a job. I have a husband. I have a beautiful child. We are fairly healthy. We are not wealthy, but we are not starving. Did I mention that I have a beautiful child? I know that my Sweet Angel is alive......with God. I know that one day I will get to meet her. I am blessed!!! So while I still hurt and my heart still aches, I felt better.

I was at a bible class with my parents and someone was talking about being anxious and stressed and upset about things in life and praying for the Lord to take it all away. I am not one to speak up in public, but what they said really struck me. So I told them........... You can ask the Lord for whatever you want. He will answer you. It may not be the answer you want. It may be "no". It may be "not now". But I have found that when there are things that are troubling you and causing you to feel anxious, stressed or upset.............ask the Lord for some peace and the strength to get you through. It is an amazing feeling to realize that you have been given that gift of peace of mind. It is a true blessing. I have prayed for peace many times over the course of my journey with IF. Sometimes, I get it and sometimes I don't. This morning I did, but in a different way. I found it in the arms of my daughter. I found my blessings.

Busy, Busy and still nothing to show for it

WOW!!!

- I can't believe I have gone from posting every few days to every few weeks. I feel like life is going nonstop. I guess this is a good thing, because it stops me from thinking. But once it hits me.....it usually feels like I have been punched in the gut. Case in point ............. standing in a store last week watching my family sort through some of the racks. I leaned against the wall to "take a load off". It hit me .............. the last time I was in that particular store, I was pregnant and purchased some maternity clothes and baby items. 10 days later I miscarried. SLEDGE HAMMER! I just started to bawl.

- DD and I had a good time with the family. I am glad I went. I don't look forward to family reunions, but I want DD to know her family. I think she had a good time. She certainly got a lot of attention. And of course people kept asking if she wanted to be a big sister :-( Bless her, but each time she would reply "My baby sister is in heaven with the angels." And no, I did not coach her to say that. She came up with that all on her own.

- My relationship with SIL#1 is come to a halt. I have never gone into the background of things, but her and I did not get along for years. It was amazing to me when we finally did. I loved it. I never had a sister and DH loves his, so I was happy for all of us that we were finally getting along. Then BIL#1 and his "friend" happened. And by "friend" I mean "girlfriend". It was horrible!!! But he came home. We thought all was good. Unfortunately, I have just recently found out that his "friend" is still around. SIL#1 thinks everything is going great in her life. She is pregnant, her husband is home and they are going to have a little family. But I keep getting phone calls from other people telling me things about BIL#1 and his "friend". I tried to mention some of this to SIL#1, and she knows that the "friend" is still around and has even heard some of the rumors, but she honestly thinks nothing is going on. She still thinks I may have had something to do with his "friend" finding out she is pregnant. I haven't seen her since Mother's Day and it was very awkward and uncomfortable. She and DD are very close, but I don't need DD around this situation. I really think it is all going to blow up and it isn't going to be pretty.

- I am currently in a new 2ww. I have no symptoms, but the last two months I have had a ton of them and obviously wasn't pregnant. So, I am just trying to wait...............patiently.............not one of my best talents :-)

Hope everyone is doing well. Leslie, I can't wait for another update!!!

Mothers

I think every woman in the world wishes and dreams for a wonderful relationship with their mother. I have some friends that have that type of relationship. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. Now don't get me wrong....I love my mother, but with us, it was always been a lot of work to get along. Growing up was a struggle. She didn't understand children and sometimes just really didn't get why I was the way I was (does that make any sense at all?). Plus, my mother was verbally abused as a child. But since she was the "good girl" she never fought back - she just took it. That behavior carried over into adult hood. She was very, very young when I came along, and since she didn't "do" kids, she really had no idea what to do with one of her own. I knew she loved me, but I never felt like she "liked" me. She took care of me, she sewed so I always had pretty clothes to wear, she cooked so I always had food to eat. But some of my most vivid memories are of her yelling or screaming at me. This continued until I was an adult and I walked out one day.

My parents don't come to visit very often. They came at Christmas and it was a major disaster!!! I did not speak to them for weeks (actually a couple of months). When I found out they were coming again, I was so nervous. Not really for me, but for DD. I want her to have a relationship with them, but I desperately need for it NOT to be like my relationship with them. Is that even possible????? I have to say that their stay with us went well. Was it a roaring success..................No. But it was not the disaster that it had previously been.

DD & I went to visit them about a year ago. When I heard my mother speaking to DD the way I remember her speaking to me, I just about had a meltdown. I informed her that her behavior was not appropriate, I would take care of it and I grabbed up DD and we went into our room. I have not been back since. We usually go and visit them twice a year, but I just didn't have it in me. It is one thing for me to have to deal with it, but I am not putting DD through it. DH hasn't been to see them in over two years. I honestly don't know when I will get him to go back.

While they were here, it was decided that I would go and visit them next month. I am trying to get DH to come with us, but so far no luck. The only reason I agreed to do this is because there will be other family there, so I am hoping that it is enough of a buffer that my mother will behave. I will admit, I am really nervous about it.

I understand that you continue the behavior you were raised with and what you know. I find myself losing my temper with DD and I have to almost literally pull myself back and walk away. I do not want to treat my daughter that way. What I don't understand is why my mother does not see what she has done to our relationship. She treats my father the same way. I am still amazed that they are still married! I have found myself at times treating DH the way I have seen her treat my father. I always feel like such a dog. He usually just tells me that I am acting like my mother (which of course I HATE when he does that) and he is usually right.

Anyway, for those of you that have a wonderful relationship with your mothers, you are truly blessed. I am very thankful for my mother. I love her and I know that she loves me and my family, but she is definitely not the person I turn to first. How sad is that :-(

Nope - not this month!

It never happened! I never got that second dark line. I guess I didn't ovulate. I cannot believe how absolutely "bummed" I feel (for lack of a better word). It is like another little portion of that dream has been killed......again.

SIL #1 told me yesterday that she started with her shots this past week. It took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about. Then it hit me............I asked her if she was doing the Lupron injection and she is. They are going to try IVF again. I am so happy for them. I would love it if her and I could be pregnant at the same time. But even more so, I would love for them to be able to have at least one sweet little bundle of their own. I am praying really hard.

Had a great weekend, but this week is going to be a killer. DD is still sick and neither one of us got much sleep last night. She is going to be a real joy tonight :-) DH is going to be away a lot this week, but I am looking forward to some mommy/daughter time. I actually got away Saturday with some girlfriends and went and saw a movie - WOW!! That doesn't happen very often.

Talked to GF last night, but it was really all about her rough she had it this weekend. You know, I really didn't want to hear it, so as soon as I could I got off the phone and I still haven't called her back. Guess I am going to have to work myself up to listen to round two of her "woe is me" tale.

Only 6 days in

It is only January 6th, but already I feel like January has gone on forever!! I have been so stinkin' busy that surely everything that has gone on can't have happened in only 6 days. January is turning out to be even busier than December was. How on earth is that possible??? Isn't January when you are supposed to wind down from the hectic hub-bub of the holidays? Guess not!!!

Well, we are six days into the new year, and I still have not talked to the parents. I sent them pictures from when they were here, and I got an e-mail from mom thanking me. Still haven't talked to Gf either. And I am no longer stressing over it. It is what it is and I think that is all it will ever be. We are going to be at a couple of the same functions this month, but by that point, it will have been over two months since we have seen each other. I even still have Christmas gifts for her kids at home. Can't get them to her because she will never call me back.

Another interesting note about myself....I am not stressing this month during my 2ww. I usually am already counting out the days and wondering if each little symptom I may be experiencing means I'm pregnant. I guess I just am not really expecting it even though it seems to have worked out better this month.

Today is January 6th. It is 2 weeks and 1 day until my EDD for my sweet angel. I really struggled during the holidays with this, but I have been praying so much lately and I am beginning to feel some peace. I have been dreading January for months now. I also thought I would be pregnant again by now. But for the last couple of days, I have been doing okay. Not great. But okay. I still look down and think I should be looking at an incredibly large belly. And in a flash I get really mad and really angry - and then I get sad and I am okay. Sadness I can handle, but the anger was really getting to me. I don't want to be angry at God. I know he can handle it, but I also know that it just hurts!!! I want my baby back!!! There I said it!!! It almost makes me cry....okay I am crying...but that's okay. I am okay!!! I better go now before I am not okay!

Not Bad

I'm not feeling too bad today. Still doing ok with AF being here. I plan on starting Clomid tomorrow. Went and had my hair done last night. I'm loving the color, but not loving the cut as much. But it is hair, it will grow.

CW's are all quiet today. GF added me as a friend on facebook, but didn't leave a message. Ran into BFF over the weekend, but haven't gotten to spend much time with her. We talk almost every day, but our lives are just so busy. (especially hers, she has 4 small children!).

My dad called this morning to see if we were going to come and see them for Thanksgiving. I don't think he was to very happy when I said that we were not. Then he called again wondering if we were coming for Christmas. Has it maybe occurred to him, that they could come to see us?!???! DH wants to spend turkey day with the IL's, which is fine with me. As for Christmas, I just really like to be home. I had actually been thinking of trying to take a few days and go on a little mini trip, but that may be out of the picture now. I am also really, really, really hoping to be pg by then. Which would mean, I might be a little sick on a car trip. Guess I will have to talk to DH and check the calendar.

Toodles!

Here she is

Had a pretty good week-end. Spent most of it at home, but it was productive. Spent time with my family. Spent time at church. Did not think about work. Tried to not think at all.

AF is here. I don't seem to mind. I usually get pretty upset when she shows up, but I am okay with it right now. Wednesday I will start another round of Clomid. Yippeee for me! Then I will wait for AF again. Only I pray that she decides not to travel to see me this time. I am pretty sure she is exhausted from all of the traveling she does. She needs to take a break. A nine month break.

Last night after DD went to sleep and DH had left to go to work, I went into her room and just sat on the floor next to her bed. I am still amazed that God gave her to me. I am a mom. I am her mom. I have been incredibly blessed to raise and love this child. After waiting so long for her, I still sometimes cannot believe that I have her. And she is growing up so very fast. Yesterday, she fell asleep in my arms. I reveled in it. DH kept wanting to know if I needed him to take her and put her down. Nope! I was in heaven. If she had slept for hours, I think I would have held her for hours, but it was only about 30 minutes. I was actually sad when she woke up and wanted me to put her down. Thank you Lord for my beautiful girl.

On another note, how on earth do you have a job, where you are supposed to work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, yet it has been over a month since a full week was worked, and no sick for vacation time was used. I have some CW's that somehow manage to do that. I want the same employment package that they are getting. Apparently, I got shortchanged in that department.

And yet another note, I have not heard from GF in weeks, except when she wants something. I have actually only seen her once in the last month and probably only talked to her twice. I am starting to wonder about this relationship. We have a little trip planned next month and then of course there are the holidays and we do attend some of the same functions, so I am thinking that after the first of the year, I will need to reevaluate this relationship. It may be time to move on.

Toodles!

TGIF

If I make it through today, I will have made it through another week. I would like to say that my mood improved during the course of the week...........and it did.................only to pretty much go back the way it was on Monday. I really don't know if I can blame it on the drugs or not. But between the Clomid, the mess at home, the DH that doesn't seem to want to help out and the CW's bickering and complaining all the time, I think I am about to lose my ever loving mind.

Calgon..............take me away!

At least it is Friday..................THANK GOODNESS!!! There is no coming to work tomorrow and I am praying that I will feel better tomorrow and actually get myself up and out of the house. Or at least off the couch. I have so much to do and so many things I want to do. I would really like to pack up some more of my DD's older clothes and get them put away. I would like to get the living room cleaned up and there are some stains on the floor that I really need to tackle. And then there are ALL the leaves outside. Oh the joys of living out in the country. Fall leaves. I promised DH that I would help him this year get them all up. DD will have fun out there with us this year "helping", so it would be something we could do as a family. Plus, I really want to take her to the pumpin patch since we haven't done that yet.

You know, just getting this all out, I am feeling better right now and I would love to go home and actually do some of this. Too bad I have to stay at work and earn a living so I can pay some bills!

Toodles!

Here I go

Today (and tomorrow) are going to be very long days. Today I spend with my family. Then my DD and I will travel home and tomorrow we spend the entire day with DH's family at a reunion. I am really not looking forward to either day, except for the part where I spend it all with my DD and at least some of it with my DH. But I am sure that when we are at the reunion tomorrow he will leave me to go talk to his cousins and aunts and uncles. Me.......I haven't seen these people in 15 years and quiet frankly, I have been okay with that :-)

But all that said, maybe it won't be so bad! The food could be really good ;-)

Toodles,
Just Me