Mothers

I think every woman in the world wishes and dreams for a wonderful relationship with their mother. I have some friends that have that type of relationship. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. Now don't get me wrong....I love my mother, but with us, it was always been a lot of work to get along. Growing up was a struggle. She didn't understand children and sometimes just really didn't get why I was the way I was (does that make any sense at all?). Plus, my mother was verbally abused as a child. But since she was the "good girl" she never fought back - she just took it. That behavior carried over into adult hood. She was very, very young when I came along, and since she didn't "do" kids, she really had no idea what to do with one of her own. I knew she loved me, but I never felt like she "liked" me. She took care of me, she sewed so I always had pretty clothes to wear, she cooked so I always had food to eat. But some of my most vivid memories are of her yelling or screaming at me. This continued until I was an adult and I walked out one day.

My parents don't come to visit very often. They came at Christmas and it was a major disaster!!! I did not speak to them for weeks (actually a couple of months). When I found out they were coming again, I was so nervous. Not really for me, but for DD. I want her to have a relationship with them, but I desperately need for it NOT to be like my relationship with them. Is that even possible????? I have to say that their stay with us went well. Was it a roaring success..................No. But it was not the disaster that it had previously been.

DD & I went to visit them about a year ago. When I heard my mother speaking to DD the way I remember her speaking to me, I just about had a meltdown. I informed her that her behavior was not appropriate, I would take care of it and I grabbed up DD and we went into our room. I have not been back since. We usually go and visit them twice a year, but I just didn't have it in me. It is one thing for me to have to deal with it, but I am not putting DD through it. DH hasn't been to see them in over two years. I honestly don't know when I will get him to go back.

While they were here, it was decided that I would go and visit them next month. I am trying to get DH to come with us, but so far no luck. The only reason I agreed to do this is because there will be other family there, so I am hoping that it is enough of a buffer that my mother will behave. I will admit, I am really nervous about it.

I understand that you continue the behavior you were raised with and what you know. I find myself losing my temper with DD and I have to almost literally pull myself back and walk away. I do not want to treat my daughter that way. What I don't understand is why my mother does not see what she has done to our relationship. She treats my father the same way. I am still amazed that they are still married! I have found myself at times treating DH the way I have seen her treat my father. I always feel like such a dog. He usually just tells me that I am acting like my mother (which of course I HATE when he does that) and he is usually right.

Anyway, for those of you that have a wonderful relationship with your mothers, you are truly blessed. I am very thankful for my mother. I love her and I know that she loves me and my family, but she is definitely not the person I turn to first. How sad is that :-(