Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Betrayed and moving on...

I have written this post in my head a hundred times over the last couple of weeks. The original title was just "Betrayed"..........but as usual as time goes on you realize you are "moving on". So....let's go back to the beginning. (Word of warning to anyone that is actually still reading this...this could be a long one :-))

Femara....what I am now calling the drug of the devil. I HATED that stuff. I felt horrible while I was on it. I had constant headaches, I was nauseous whether I ate or not, I was incredibly moody and I had absolutely no desire for anything (and I mean anything!!!). Now when a person feels like this..........do they really think they are going to be in the mood at any point to attempt to make a baby. NOT!!! Now to the betrayed feelings.......... I was feeling betrayed by everything............. first my body for not performing as a females body should (as in not ovulating and making a baby like it is designed to), therefore, I was feeling betrayed by God (he obviously did not make me correctly). I was betrayed by the drugs (with Clomid I was able to conceive but it only ended up keeping my body from carrying a baby. With Femara I just felt like s**t). I was feeling betrayed by DH (this was the real kicker ......... due to how I felt with the Femara, we were fighting constantly and we both said a LOT of hurtful, hateful things). I felt betrayed by my family (they just don't get it .......... I cannot get pregnant and carry a child ........... I lost my baby). And then as stupid as it sounds, I felt betrayed by the fact that SIL#1 is pregnant (I am happy for her, but I can admit and own it ----- I am jealous!!).

So, putting all of my "betrayed" feelings aside (and there is really more to all of that, but really, at this point it just doesn't matter), while I was busy feeling betrayed by everything and everyone, including myself, and having myself a big old pity party, DD ends up incredibly sick, has to have surgery on her little leg and even though she is healing, she still hurts and is not back to 100%. I felt horrible!! I could not believe I let it get to the point that she had to have her leg cut open to clean out an infection. Everyone keeps telling me that it happens and there I was nothing I could have done, but I should have paid more attention to the "bug bite" (it really wasn't a bug bite), her moods and the fact that she had a fever!! So I have been doing a lot of snuggling with her and she seems to be okay with that. I finally sent her back to school yesterday, but I only left her there for half a day. I am almost afraid to let her out of my sight now. Silly, I know, but that is just how it is. And yes, I am going to pick her up early today too!!!

Now for the moving on..... SIL#1 had her u/s. She has one little bean and is doing very well. She still did not want to really talk about it and that was fine with me. She showed me the u/s sound pics a couple of days ago and I found myself getting really excited. I am going to be an aunt again. I have prayed for so long that she would have a child and be able to experience what I have with DD. Lord willing, she is going to. That makes me smile. (and yes, I am still jealous). DH and I made up ............ but I unfortunately, have not been able to forget most of what was said. It is going to take some time for us to completely heal from this one. But we are trying to get on with things. I had not told me that I had quit the drugs. He noticed last week that the bottle was not in its usual place and he finally came and asked me if it was "O" time (ovulation). I said no.............. I quit taking them. He was silent for a minute and just said okay and went on. He made his peace a long time ago that we would most likely only have DD and that was it. I wish it was so easy for me :-( Anyway, I was then cleaning out some drawers in the bathroom over the weekend and found an unopened box of OPK's ............. so what is a girl that has decided to quit TTC to do with them ............. why pee on them of course!!! Saturday, Sunday, Monday.....nothing. Did not surprise me since I was not taking any Femara. This morning - POSITIVE. I just about fell off the toilet! And where was DH you may ask - OUT OF TOWN! He will be back tonight, but I will be out. I know that by the time I get home, I will most likely be exhausted, but who knows. Of course there is still the issue of my overgrown uterine lining due to the extended Clomid use - but as of this moment in time, I am not feeling quiet so betrayed. My body is moving on and doing what it is supposed to :-)

Oh - - - and my parents are coming for the weekend. Like I really need that right now!

1 comment:

Leslie Laine said...

Sounds like things are moving along, as you say. I know that taking all the drugs/hormones can be really hard on you and your relationship, and I think you have to do what's best for you. If it's not the right time for Femara, it's just not the right time. However, there is nothing wrong with you, and God didn't make a mistake with you. I think that it's just harder for us, for whatever reason, and I like to believe that there's some meaning in all of this. I don't know if we'll get to it in this lifetime, but I think it's there.

Hang in there!