Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I mentioned before that I had felt like GF had broken my heart and stepped on my spirit.  It is a constant.  I am trying to be a better person.  I am trying to not let things get to me.  I am trying to keep myself on the high road.  I will get these random messages that seem to be from a true friend.  I am tempted to just ignore them and go on, but I end up replying and time and again I feel like my spirit is crushed a little more.  She says she loves me, loves my family, considers herself my friend.  Her actions do not show that.  I thought maybe it was just me, but people are starting to ask me what is going on.  It is noticed by others that she has nothing much to do with me anymore.  It's not just me - is it?????

BIL#1 came for a visit this past weekend.  It was all good for a couple of days, then all hell broke loose! He managed to insult and disrespect every person that still had the misfortune of being in the house at that moment.  He left the next day with out speaking to anybody, but still called my MIL and continued to berate her and tell her how horrible she was.  He said some horrible things to DH and I to the point that I took DD and left.  Of course, she still managed to hear a few things he said and has asked a lot of questions.  It will be a while before I can forgive him.  I just cannot ever imagine speaking to my family that way.  Or anybody!! 

I was feeling very low a couple of days ago.  My sweet DD had some very profound words for me.  It brought me to my knees and has put things in a new perspective.  I am trying.  Sometimes you have to be put down and broken to the point where there is no where left to go.  I feel like that is where I am.  It is time to move up and move on. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Moving on......

This past year has been a roller coaster.  A big one.  With lots of loops, twists and turns.  But at the end of it all, it is really all about moving on.

I have somewhat come to terms with not being able to have another child.  I did become pregnant again, but once again, I was not able to maintain my pregnancy.  It is a hard pill to swallow.  I am happy with my little family and now that DD is in school it is hard to imagine starting all over again.  I would in a heartbeath though if I was able.

Since I last posted, my FIL was diagnosed with cancer that metastasized to his lungs.  After a short but valiant struggle, he passed away this spring.  I would love to say that the family really pulled together during this, but honestly, I can't.  Most of us aren't speaking much anymore except when we have to.  MIL is living with us now, so that is interesting. She has Alzheimer's and is going downhill fast. SIL#3 and I had a big falling out and I was accused of a lot of things that I had no control of.  She got really ugly and started a lot of verbal mudslinging about DH and at that point I was done.  Let's just say that we have made "peace" with each other, but it will be a long time before it will be the same.

I applied for another job on a whim, but it had already been filled by the time they got my application and resume.  I'm still looking but not actively seeking.  It will be really hard to beat the flexibility that my current position allows me. 

In the midst of all this, GF and I were getting closer.  Then she started pulling away.  We finally started talking about it and I got mad and said some things that never should have been said.  I have apologized repeatedly, but it has done no good.  She does and says what she wants to me and others now, but refuses to allow me to respond or ask what is meant by her comments.  I have tried.  She had become like a sister to me and my heart is broken.  I feel like she stepped on my spirit.   

So after all of this, the only real choice I have is to move on.  I can't go back and I can't stay in this place I am currently in.  It is depressing and incredibly lonely.  Our family dynamics have changed, I not only have to take care of a husband, daughter but now a grown woman that doesn't always know what I am doing for her or why I am doing it.  It is hard.  It is not something I would have ever signed up for.  Yet I did! No one else stepped up and I couldn't see her go into a home when she had all this family that should be taking care of her. I miss my "sister", but I can't force her to be a part of our lives.  Her choice.  My choice is to move on with my life without her.

Summer is upon us and I have big plans for DD and I.  We are going to have a lot of fun.  Water parks, weekend trips and maybe a few play dates with cousins and friends.  I am moving on............with what is important.  This petty stuff has no part in my life or my families life!