Drama Free!!

The past few days have been drama free and I like it that way!  I have been incredibly busy with my family and I like it that way. We have not heard from BIL#1.  I know that eventually we will and I will just deal with it when the time comes. 

I saw GF over the weekend.  She went from completely ignoring me to playing nice to asking me to lunch.  I agreed, but didn't hear from her today so I'm not holding my breath for that either.  And I am also okay with that. 

DD had a sleepover last night.  Missed her like mad, but it was good for her to spend time away from Mom and Dad. I so wish I could give her more...........but what parent doesn't want to be able to give their child more (and no, I am not just talking about material things)

I helped DH go through some of his Dad's things.  That was hard.  It was emotional.  But that was about the biggest drama I have had in days.  Just knowing that I am okay, I will be okay, my DD is happy, healthy and adjusting to the changes around us and that DH is going to be there for us at the end of the day is enough for me.  I am doing my best not to let what is going on around me get me down.  It is hard sometimes, and I do struggle with it, but I am trying. 

One more thing -
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day my Sweet Angel went to heaven.  I look forward to the day that I get to see her again.  Hard to believe that it has been 4 years! As I said............it is hard sometimes, I struggle with it at times, but I am trying.  And I know that I will be okay!!

A part of my heart is in heaven

I am proud to say that I still feel blessed. Every time I look at DD's beautiful sweet face, I feel blessed. Every time she reaches out her little hand and places it on my cheek, I feel blessed. Every time she takes those cute little skinny arms and wraps them tightly around my neck, I feel blessed. Every time she lays down next to me and cuddles her little body up to mine, I feel blessed.

But I ache and I hurt inside. I have done fairly well over all. But I WANT MY BABY!!! I personally know other ladies that have had miscarriages. They don't seem to ache the way I do. And then I realized - they went on to get pregnant again and had another child. I have not. That is not to say that if I did, I would not still miss the child that I lost, but it seems to make a big difference. I asked GF the other day about it and she told me that at first she felt like the world was going to end. When she did finally get pregnant and have her baby she doesn't really think about it anymore. She says "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I have two beautiful children." I felt like saying "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I also have two beautiful children, but one of them is living in heaven. A part of my heart is also there."

I have managed to stay fairly busy. This is good. When I stop, I start to think and the what ifs hit me. That isn't good!!! I couple of people have tried to talk to me about how I am feeling, but I really just can't do it right now. CW#1 remembered and let me know that she was thinking of me. I was really surprised. Then SIL#3 has had me helping her with Sweet Girl's birthday. Out of nowhere, she apologized and said she wasn't thinking and should have just left me alone because she realized how hard it must be for me. I was thankful for the sentiment, but I don't think she has ever realized that even though I love Sweet Girl a lot, I am not able to look at her without realizing what I lost.

I wonder how long it takes........

Blessed

I started writing this post early this morning with an entirely different slant.

A year ago I was on bed rest in the hopes of saving my baby. Didn't work. A year ago Sweet Girl was born. SIL#3 now has me helping to plan her first birthday party. A year ago I thought I was on top of the world. I am not.

Last night AF showed up - EARLY!!!

I have managed to keep myself together fairly well. I have stayed busy and really tried to just not think about things. This morning, I lost the battle. DH tried to ask me what was going on and I just couldn't talk. He finally guessed about AF and says "Well, I still love you." I could not even reply. Was he not going to love me if I was pregnant??? I finally managed to ask him if he knew what had happened a year ago. "No." I reminded him that WE had lost a child. He apologized and went to get ready for work. I know that men handle things differently. I know that my DH handles things differently. I know that he was not as affected by what happened as I was. I know all of that in my head, but my heart hurt!

So there I was having a little pity party and I finally went in to get DD's clothes ready for today. She was laying in her bed awake, so I went over to talk to her and snuggle. It hit me. I AM BLESSED!!! I have a home. I have a vehicle. I have a job. I have a husband. I have a beautiful child. We are fairly healthy. We are not wealthy, but we are not starving. Did I mention that I have a beautiful child? I know that my Sweet Angel is alive......with God. I know that one day I will get to meet her. I am blessed!!! So while I still hurt and my heart still aches, I felt better.

I was at a bible class with my parents and someone was talking about being anxious and stressed and upset about things in life and praying for the Lord to take it all away. I am not one to speak up in public, but what they said really struck me. So I told them........... You can ask the Lord for whatever you want. He will answer you. It may not be the answer you want. It may be "no". It may be "not now". But I have found that when there are things that are troubling you and causing you to feel anxious, stressed or upset.............ask the Lord for some peace and the strength to get you through. It is an amazing feeling to realize that you have been given that gift of peace of mind. It is a true blessing. I have prayed for peace many times over the course of my journey with IF. Sometimes, I get it and sometimes I don't. This morning I did, but in a different way. I found it in the arms of my daughter. I found my blessings.