Just breath

That is what I am trying to do....breath! You might think that that is something that is easy to do and something that you shouldn't have to think about doing....it should just come naturally. And it does..............to those that don't have a head full of snot!!! Yes, my friends, that is where I am right now......in "snotland". I was coughing and having a sore throat along with no voice one minute and the next, my head was so full and the pressure so great I thought my head was going to blow!!! Needless to say, it did not, but I C.A.N.N.O.T. breath~!!!!

Finished my meds on Friday, ended up beyond nauseous from it, but fortunately, I never did develop the headaches like I did last month. Started peeing on those stupid sticks on Sunday, got the result I expected (negative) and went on with things. Monday night I peed again on a stick and when I went back to check it, I was shocked.....It didn't work it's way up to positive.....it was blazing positive. I started spinning around (and of course started coughing) and then realized that it didn't do any good because DH was.not.home!!! He was out of town and wouldn't be home until long after I should be asleep! I ended up falling asleep and didn't even hear him come in the house. Woke up in the morning and I felt better (as in I wasn't coughing as much and my voice was better), but when he woke up.....he was sick! This is where I said "You have GOT to be freakin' kidding me!!" Last night I tested again just to make sure.... Yup...POSITIVE!!! I was determined to drug ourselves up and to get busy!!!

But then...out of nowhere....my head fills up faster than the city dump and did I mention... I C.A.N.N.O.T. breath!!! So what is a woman that is rapidly approaching forty, who is struggling with IF and has been taking one form or another of fertility inducing drugs going on 3 years while in the midst of early menopause now to do..... I'll tell you what you do..... You do IT anyway. Was it enjoyable............uhmmmmmmm.......NO! But it was done! Now I just have to do IT again. For at least three more days (according to the doctor :-0 ). Maybe I will be able to breath tonight and it will at least me a bit more pleasant experience.

I will say that most months, if DH and I had been in this situation, it would have just been decided that this was not our month and we would try again next month. At one point I did think that and I started to cry, DH looked at me and thought I was crying because we weren't going to have sex. No, I was crying because I was trying to figure out if I could say goodbye to my dream of having another child. I think that was a turning point for him, because even though he also felt like crap that had been stomped on, he wasn't going to let it go. It just really wasn't an option in his mind. Later on while we were trying to get ourselves comfortable so we could sleep (which is difficult to do when you can't breath....especially when you lay down)....he asked me "So would this be a Christmas baby? A Christmas baby would be pretty cool." I just smiled and said no honey, it would be a Thanksgiving baby. He thought that was even better....something extra special to the thankful for this year.

So even though he and I have been in totally different places emotionally on this IF journey, it was wonderful to have been in the same spot on the same day at the same time. It was wonderful to have him pick me up when I was down and carry me for a bit on this journey. I don't have to let go of my dream yet and it is amazing to look over and see my dream in his eyes.