Almost over

2008 that is! I am soooo ready for this year to be over.

It just has not been a year to rejoice over in terms of my little family. There have been many struggles, but I am determined that we are going to come out the other end of the long tunnel and things WILL be better!!!

I am praying that 2009 will bring us a new baby. I went ahead and took the Clomid, but so far the OPT are negative (they should be showing signs of a little +). My parents are staying with us right now, so I am not really sure what we would do if it was positive. Our house is rather small :-) My original EDD is almost upon me and I have been having a really hard time with it. I pray that once it is past I will be able to move on. I am also praying that I am pregnant my then...But at this point, I really doubt it will happen. I never thought after I lost the baby, that it would take this long to conceive again.

I have not talked to GF since she called to let me know that everyone was cancelling out on our Christmas dinner. It really doesn't surprise me. DH even made a comment about how she only calls me when she needs something. I had the opportunity to attend church with that whole group yesterday, and I had absolutely no problem saying 'no thank you'. I had no desire to see them or worship with them. I wanted to attend with my family and be able to focus on the worship and not on how angry I still am at them.

SIL#3 and I went shopping the day after Christmas. We had a good time, but I was still aggravated at her over some comments she made the day before. She was very ungrateful for what everyone had bought for her children. DH says we just need to go to the Caribbean next year. Sounds good to me.

DD had a wonderful Christmas. Just watching the joy and excitement on her face makes the rest of the problems seem very trivial and minor. I just have to keep reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things - it is minor.

So, all that said - Happy New Year! May 2009 bring many blessings to your home and ours!~

She knocked it down.

The door that is. Aunt Flo decided that she was tired of knocking and waiting for me to answer so she just took the entire door right down. I was late. Very late. Late to the point that even though I had thought she was knocking, I was pregnant. I went to the store to get some HPT's. I then decided that evening to wait one more day. I started spotting that night and cramping. It actually reminded me of the night I started to miscarry. I went to bed, woke up in the middle of the night really hurting. I took some Tylenol and checked, but I still was only spotting. I thought, well maybe this is that 'implantation bleeding'. I was still hopeful. Got up to get ready for work and felt like my insides were starting to fall out. Again, it reminded me of the miscarriage. Went to the bathroom and I was bleeding...heavily. I just wanted to cry...loudly. I went ahead and got ready for work. SIL #3 and Sweet Girl game to visit me and I just sat in my desk chair and loved on her. After a while SIL #3 came right out and asked me if I was OK. I was honest enough to tell her no, but I didn't really go into the full story. She actually remembered that it was getting close to my EDD. I was surprised. She is usually not that perceptive. When they went to go leave and I got up to help her get everything out to the car, I knew that there was a problem. I managed to get outside, get her and Sweet Girl in their car and myself into the restroom. I thought I was going to be sick afterwards. I don't know for certain, but I am fairly positive that I was pregnant and was (still am) having another miscarriage. It is just too similar from the last time. I know I am getting older and pushing 40, but there are so many older women now that are having children. Why can't I be one of them?

I am struggling. Badly. There are some other things going on right now, but I really think it all centers around this and the fact that my patience is really thin with everything else. I also don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Everybody seems to think I should be over the fact that I lost my baby and just move on (DH included). And since I never confirmed this pregnancy, most people will think I am just being overly dramatic. I am not trying to be a drama queen here, I am just trying to have a baby.

She's knocking...

(warning***this post may be TMI***)

Aunt Flo is knocking at the door. LOUDLY!! I started cramping yesterday evening. It comes and goes, but it keeps coming back. My breasts are a little tender, but nothing like they were when I was pregnant the first time. I know that they say that each pregnancy is different and mine have been, but I just feel like I would know.

I am one that really gets into coincidences (or kwinky dinks). When I was figuring out my ovulation this time and what my possible due date was I realized that it was exactly 7 months after my little angel was due. Also, my little angle and Sweet Girl would have been 7 months apart. I am sure to most people that doesn't seem like much, but it holds some meaning for me, so maybe it was meant to me. I am praying so incredibly hard right now that the Lord sees fit to bless us with another child. I know how blessed I am to already have a DD. There are plenty of women that don't even have that (my SIL#1 being one of them), but.......

Only 2 more days! That is unless Aunt Flo breaks down the door before then.

2ww

I am almost at the end of this 2ww. I had high hopes for it (if you catch my drift), but I am beginning to have serious doubts about it. It hasn't helped that MIL has decided to try and "help" by giving me little articles cut out of her magazines on Tips for Infertility, or How to Get Pregnant, or How to Ensure That You Have a Boy. I informed her yesterday, that if the Lord were to bless me with a child again, I really could care less if it was a boy or a girl. I also told her that if the Lord saw fit to give me more than one at a time - that was going to be just fine too. She really didn't have much to say after that. And mind you, she is saying a lot of this in front of SIL#1 that has never been able to have children either.

Last Friday was a really hard day for me. It marked six months since my little angel went to heaven. And it was SIL#3's youngest 1/2 birthday. She was all excited about it, but it is like everyone has forgotten what happened to me. Maybe it really isn't a big deal to some, but to me it is. I was already so incredibly in love with my child and I will never get the opportunity to see her face, count her little toes, kiss her cute upturned nose, discover if her eyes are green or blue or even brown.

Next Friday is supposed to be a little group Christmas Party. I say supposed to, because even though we do it every year, there is always some sort of drama every year. This year has been no different so far. The day I made the reservations, one couple canceled (who just happens to be SIL#3 and BIL) which seemed to upset GF. She wanted to me cancel the reservation and we find someplace else to go so everybody could go. I guess in theory, that sounds great, but I had HAD it!!! I told her, that was fine, I would cancel the reservations, and they could pick the place and go wherever they wanted to. I realize now that it sounds rather petty, but good grief Gerty! Either you can go or you can't. Either you want to or you don't. Don't be wishy washy about it. I tried to best before I made the reservations to find something that would work for everyone. But if people don't tell me there may be a problem, I won't know. I AM NOT A MIND READER! So GF ended up called me back a few hours later and told me not to cancel the reservations, we would just go with out them. She was saying that next year we could ALL go and it would all be good. But I am so hopeful that next year I WON'T be going because I will have a little one to care for. As for the supposed part....I am not convinced yet that we will be going. I am sure that something else will come up and I may end up having to cancel yet!

I am 3 days out from "D-DAY". DH is going to want me to test that day, I am sure, but I am going to try and wait a few days.