BFN

I didn't think I was but there is alway the hope. Aunt Flo has not shown up yet and she has been early the last 4 months, soooooo.............last night I POAS. BFN!!! Not surprised but disappointed.

CD10

POAS today..... faint second line!!!

In other good news..... the meds didn't make me feel ill at all!!!

Had a great holiday week-end. Went to BIL #1's house. It was great to get out of town and away from the drama that goes on here with the SIL's. DD had a blast playing with other kids her age and we enjoyed relaxing, eating and watching some great movies. It rained most of the weekend, but I really didn't mind. It did rather put a damper on the fireworks, but again.... I really didn't mind!!

One bad thing..... DD had a really bad mosquito bite and we discovered it is infected. It looks a lot like the infection she had back in the spring. I am praying really really really really hard that it is much improved by the end of today. She is going to have a holy fit if we have to take her to the doctor to have it cut out. She still talked about the doctor poking and cutting her before!

Today is kinda back to reality. We are short staffed at work with no hope in sight of it changing, but I am trying hard to not get stressed over it. I am just trying to focus on getting done what I can and the rest will still be there tomorrow :-0

CD5

It wasn't really a concious decision, but it was a decision nonetheless. AF arrived 3-5 days early. I wasn't happy, but I didn't get overly upset either. I found myself looking at a calendar and I kept focusing on CD3. So that night, I went to the medicine cabinet and dug around and found some of my leftover meds. I am going to give it another shot. It may not lead anywhere and I know that, but I have a sort of "calm" about it all right now. I still want another child, but I am so far removed from the every every 2-3 hour feedings and the diaper changes and the potty training that I have resigned myself to this is it.

In other news...... SIL#1 apparently got some bad results on her AFP. Instead of talking to any of us about it, she spent 3 days freaking out and acting like a class A bitch to all of us. We all found out over the weekend after it was all said and done and she had found out that everything was actually fine with the baby. She did find out that it is a baby girl. I am excited that DD is going to have another little girl cousin. But I am still wondering how the rest of the grandkids are going to be treated by MIL once this little bundle arrives.

We are supposed to go see BIL#1 this weekend. I am looking forward to it. I desparetly need to get away on a vacation though. DH didn't grow up going on vacations, so he doesn't really see the necessity in them. Therefore, the only time we get away is for family. I NEED A BEACH!!!

Don't think anyone is reading this anymore............and that's okay. But if you are reading it, I pray that all is well in your corner of insanity :-)

Retail Therapy

I have to say, last week was pretty bad. But I survived it :-) I finally gave up Friday and left work. I just could not keep myself together. I thought I would go home but I needed to go to Wal-mart first. I ended up spending two hours in there. Yup....TWO HOURS!!! That might seem odd to some, but I started on one side of that place and worked almost all of it. I looked at things I absolutely did not need and had no intention of purchasing. I purchased things I had no need for. It was great! I left there feeling better and went and picked up DD to begin our busy weekend.

We were on the go constantly from the time I picked her up of Friday until I dropped her off this morning. For me, that was great. For her, she is exhausted. We are supposed to go someplace tonight, but I am going to have to cancel and just go home.

I started to contemplate going back on the Femara and I made up a list of pros and cons. The cons won!!! I thought about Clomid again, but the whole uterine lining thing really has me spooked at this point. Plus, I am just plain getting old and I am tired! I want a baby BAD!!! But I think the Lord has another plan for me. I just wish He would go ahead and clue me in!

SIL#1 actually spoke to me yesterday. She actually asked me to spend some time with her. We had seen her on Saturday and it just really wasn't pleasant (but that did not surprise me). So needless to say, I was shocked when when she asked me to go to K-mart with her. I didn't really want to, but I figured if she is offering this "olive branch" I probably need to take it. So off to K-Mart we went. I have to say, I have never really enjoyed shopping with her and I was reminded why. She really just kind of goes and does her own thing. She doesn't talk much, and if you stop to look and something, by the time you look up......she is long gone! She is almost 16 weeks along now and still refuses to buy maternity clothes. She is showing and just wants to get bigger clothes. I don't think she realizes that in just a couple of weeks, those bigger clothes just really aren't going to be big enough. Plus, there are some really cute maternity clothes out there now and you don't have to go around wearing those big old fashioned mu-mu dresses anymore. But whatever floats her boat I guess. My BIL never showed up yesterday. He called to say he had a meeting. Yeah, right! But again - whatever!

It is a beautiful day here. Would love to be out in it. In fact, I think I am going to go for a little walk right now :-)

A part of my heart is in heaven

I am proud to say that I still feel blessed. Every time I look at DD's beautiful sweet face, I feel blessed. Every time she reaches out her little hand and places it on my cheek, I feel blessed. Every time she takes those cute little skinny arms and wraps them tightly around my neck, I feel blessed. Every time she lays down next to me and cuddles her little body up to mine, I feel blessed.

But I ache and I hurt inside. I have done fairly well over all. But I WANT MY BABY!!! I personally know other ladies that have had miscarriages. They don't seem to ache the way I do. And then I realized - they went on to get pregnant again and had another child. I have not. That is not to say that if I did, I would not still miss the child that I lost, but it seems to make a big difference. I asked GF the other day about it and she told me that at first she felt like the world was going to end. When she did finally get pregnant and have her baby she doesn't really think about it anymore. She says "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I have two beautiful children." I felt like saying "I had a miscarriage. My life did not end. I also have two beautiful children, but one of them is living in heaven. A part of my heart is also there."

I have managed to stay fairly busy. This is good. When I stop, I start to think and the what ifs hit me. That isn't good!!! I couple of people have tried to talk to me about how I am feeling, but I really just can't do it right now. CW#1 remembered and let me know that she was thinking of me. I was really surprised. Then SIL#3 has had me helping her with Sweet Girl's birthday. Out of nowhere, she apologized and said she wasn't thinking and should have just left me alone because she realized how hard it must be for me. I was thankful for the sentiment, but I don't think she has ever realized that even though I love Sweet Girl a lot, I am not able to look at her without realizing what I lost.

I wonder how long it takes........

Blessed

I started writing this post early this morning with an entirely different slant.

A year ago I was on bed rest in the hopes of saving my baby. Didn't work. A year ago Sweet Girl was born. SIL#3 now has me helping to plan her first birthday party. A year ago I thought I was on top of the world. I am not.

Last night AF showed up - EARLY!!!

I have managed to keep myself together fairly well. I have stayed busy and really tried to just not think about things. This morning, I lost the battle. DH tried to ask me what was going on and I just couldn't talk. He finally guessed about AF and says "Well, I still love you." I could not even reply. Was he not going to love me if I was pregnant??? I finally managed to ask him if he knew what had happened a year ago. "No." I reminded him that WE had lost a child. He apologized and went to get ready for work. I know that men handle things differently. I know that my DH handles things differently. I know that he was not as affected by what happened as I was. I know all of that in my head, but my heart hurt!

So there I was having a little pity party and I finally went in to get DD's clothes ready for today. She was laying in her bed awake, so I went over to talk to her and snuggle. It hit me. I AM BLESSED!!! I have a home. I have a vehicle. I have a job. I have a husband. I have a beautiful child. We are fairly healthy. We are not wealthy, but we are not starving. Did I mention that I have a beautiful child? I know that my Sweet Angel is alive......with God. I know that one day I will get to meet her. I am blessed!!! So while I still hurt and my heart still aches, I felt better.

I was at a bible class with my parents and someone was talking about being anxious and stressed and upset about things in life and praying for the Lord to take it all away. I am not one to speak up in public, but what they said really struck me. So I told them........... You can ask the Lord for whatever you want. He will answer you. It may not be the answer you want. It may be "no". It may be "not now". But I have found that when there are things that are troubling you and causing you to feel anxious, stressed or upset.............ask the Lord for some peace and the strength to get you through. It is an amazing feeling to realize that you have been given that gift of peace of mind. It is a true blessing. I have prayed for peace many times over the course of my journey with IF. Sometimes, I get it and sometimes I don't. This morning I did, but in a different way. I found it in the arms of my daughter. I found my blessings.

Busy, Busy and still nothing to show for it

WOW!!!

- I can't believe I have gone from posting every few days to every few weeks. I feel like life is going nonstop. I guess this is a good thing, because it stops me from thinking. But once it hits me.....it usually feels like I have been punched in the gut. Case in point ............. standing in a store last week watching my family sort through some of the racks. I leaned against the wall to "take a load off". It hit me .............. the last time I was in that particular store, I was pregnant and purchased some maternity clothes and baby items. 10 days later I miscarried. SLEDGE HAMMER! I just started to bawl.

- DD and I had a good time with the family. I am glad I went. I don't look forward to family reunions, but I want DD to know her family. I think she had a good time. She certainly got a lot of attention. And of course people kept asking if she wanted to be a big sister :-( Bless her, but each time she would reply "My baby sister is in heaven with the angels." And no, I did not coach her to say that. She came up with that all on her own.

- My relationship with SIL#1 is come to a halt. I have never gone into the background of things, but her and I did not get along for years. It was amazing to me when we finally did. I loved it. I never had a sister and DH loves his, so I was happy for all of us that we were finally getting along. Then BIL#1 and his "friend" happened. And by "friend" I mean "girlfriend". It was horrible!!! But he came home. We thought all was good. Unfortunately, I have just recently found out that his "friend" is still around. SIL#1 thinks everything is going great in her life. She is pregnant, her husband is home and they are going to have a little family. But I keep getting phone calls from other people telling me things about BIL#1 and his "friend". I tried to mention some of this to SIL#1, and she knows that the "friend" is still around and has even heard some of the rumors, but she honestly thinks nothing is going on. She still thinks I may have had something to do with his "friend" finding out she is pregnant. I haven't seen her since Mother's Day and it was very awkward and uncomfortable. She and DD are very close, but I don't need DD around this situation. I really think it is all going to blow up and it isn't going to be pretty.

- I am currently in a new 2ww. I have no symptoms, but the last two months I have had a ton of them and obviously wasn't pregnant. So, I am just trying to wait...............patiently.............not one of my best talents :-)

Hope everyone is doing well. Leslie, I can't wait for another update!!!

Not much....

I have written so many posts in my mind and had so many topics and things to say. Now.... I don't have much.

Discovered that my positive OPK was just a fluke.
Aunt Flo made a raging comeback.
DD has still not been well.
DH is working a lot.
I have been working a lot.
Work has been hell.

I need a vacation!!! And the only break I am getting is a 14 hour road trip with DD and I to go to a small family reunion. AM I NUTS!~?~!~? YES!!

I am going to go ahead and use the OPK's this week to see what is going on, but most likely, if my body does cooperate, it will be when I am out of town. Then of course, I will be wondering the entire time I am gone if this is it. Is this the month. Even though I have stopped taking the drugs, I just can't seem to stop living this two week cycle. I guess I have been doing it for so long that it is just habit and a way of life for me.

SIL#1 is now 12 weeks along. We are also no longer speaking. Let's just say that her husband has a little "friend" on the side and she (the little "friend") has accused me of something (I have NEVER even had a one on one conversation with this tramp) and they have chosen to believe her over me. Nice, huh! So I have pretty much pulled myself out of their lives. Since we are in the same family, we still have to see each other, and my DD adores them so it is a little hard. But I will no longer be sending her to stay with them, or to spend any amount of time with them alone. I just can't believe that they are choosing this little two bit hussy over family and that my SIL is actually going along with this. Unbelievable!!!

On that note, I must go!

Mothers

I think every woman in the world wishes and dreams for a wonderful relationship with their mother. I have some friends that have that type of relationship. I, unfortunately, am not one of them. Now don't get me wrong....I love my mother, but with us, it was always been a lot of work to get along. Growing up was a struggle. She didn't understand children and sometimes just really didn't get why I was the way I was (does that make any sense at all?). Plus, my mother was verbally abused as a child. But since she was the "good girl" she never fought back - she just took it. That behavior carried over into adult hood. She was very, very young when I came along, and since she didn't "do" kids, she really had no idea what to do with one of her own. I knew she loved me, but I never felt like she "liked" me. She took care of me, she sewed so I always had pretty clothes to wear, she cooked so I always had food to eat. But some of my most vivid memories are of her yelling or screaming at me. This continued until I was an adult and I walked out one day.

My parents don't come to visit very often. They came at Christmas and it was a major disaster!!! I did not speak to them for weeks (actually a couple of months). When I found out they were coming again, I was so nervous. Not really for me, but for DD. I want her to have a relationship with them, but I desperately need for it NOT to be like my relationship with them. Is that even possible????? I have to say that their stay with us went well. Was it a roaring success..................No. But it was not the disaster that it had previously been.

DD & I went to visit them about a year ago. When I heard my mother speaking to DD the way I remember her speaking to me, I just about had a meltdown. I informed her that her behavior was not appropriate, I would take care of it and I grabbed up DD and we went into our room. I have not been back since. We usually go and visit them twice a year, but I just didn't have it in me. It is one thing for me to have to deal with it, but I am not putting DD through it. DH hasn't been to see them in over two years. I honestly don't know when I will get him to go back.

While they were here, it was decided that I would go and visit them next month. I am trying to get DH to come with us, but so far no luck. The only reason I agreed to do this is because there will be other family there, so I am hoping that it is enough of a buffer that my mother will behave. I will admit, I am really nervous about it.

I understand that you continue the behavior you were raised with and what you know. I find myself losing my temper with DD and I have to almost literally pull myself back and walk away. I do not want to treat my daughter that way. What I don't understand is why my mother does not see what she has done to our relationship. She treats my father the same way. I am still amazed that they are still married! I have found myself at times treating DH the way I have seen her treat my father. I always feel like such a dog. He usually just tells me that I am acting like my mother (which of course I HATE when he does that) and he is usually right.

Anyway, for those of you that have a wonderful relationship with your mothers, you are truly blessed. I am very thankful for my mother. I love her and I know that she loves me and my family, but she is definitely not the person I turn to first. How sad is that :-(

Betrayed and moving on...

I have written this post in my head a hundred times over the last couple of weeks. The original title was just "Betrayed"..........but as usual as time goes on you realize you are "moving on". So....let's go back to the beginning. (Word of warning to anyone that is actually still reading this...this could be a long one :-))

Femara....what I am now calling the drug of the devil. I HATED that stuff. I felt horrible while I was on it. I had constant headaches, I was nauseous whether I ate or not, I was incredibly moody and I had absolutely no desire for anything (and I mean anything!!!). Now when a person feels like this..........do they really think they are going to be in the mood at any point to attempt to make a baby. NOT!!! Now to the betrayed feelings.......... I was feeling betrayed by everything............. first my body for not performing as a females body should (as in not ovulating and making a baby like it is designed to), therefore, I was feeling betrayed by God (he obviously did not make me correctly). I was betrayed by the drugs (with Clomid I was able to conceive but it only ended up keeping my body from carrying a baby. With Femara I just felt like s**t). I was feeling betrayed by DH (this was the real kicker ......... due to how I felt with the Femara, we were fighting constantly and we both said a LOT of hurtful, hateful things). I felt betrayed by my family (they just don't get it .......... I cannot get pregnant and carry a child ........... I lost my baby). And then as stupid as it sounds, I felt betrayed by the fact that SIL#1 is pregnant (I am happy for her, but I can admit and own it ----- I am jealous!!).

So, putting all of my "betrayed" feelings aside (and there is really more to all of that, but really, at this point it just doesn't matter), while I was busy feeling betrayed by everything and everyone, including myself, and having myself a big old pity party, DD ends up incredibly sick, has to have surgery on her little leg and even though she is healing, she still hurts and is not back to 100%. I felt horrible!! I could not believe I let it get to the point that she had to have her leg cut open to clean out an infection. Everyone keeps telling me that it happens and there I was nothing I could have done, but I should have paid more attention to the "bug bite" (it really wasn't a bug bite), her moods and the fact that she had a fever!! So I have been doing a lot of snuggling with her and she seems to be okay with that. I finally sent her back to school yesterday, but I only left her there for half a day. I am almost afraid to let her out of my sight now. Silly, I know, but that is just how it is. And yes, I am going to pick her up early today too!!!

Now for the moving on..... SIL#1 had her u/s. She has one little bean and is doing very well. She still did not want to really talk about it and that was fine with me. She showed me the u/s sound pics a couple of days ago and I found myself getting really excited. I am going to be an aunt again. I have prayed for so long that she would have a child and be able to experience what I have with DD. Lord willing, she is going to. That makes me smile. (and yes, I am still jealous). DH and I made up ............ but I unfortunately, have not been able to forget most of what was said. It is going to take some time for us to completely heal from this one. But we are trying to get on with things. I had not told me that I had quit the drugs. He noticed last week that the bottle was not in its usual place and he finally came and asked me if it was "O" time (ovulation). I said no.............. I quit taking them. He was silent for a minute and just said okay and went on. He made his peace a long time ago that we would most likely only have DD and that was it. I wish it was so easy for me :-( Anyway, I was then cleaning out some drawers in the bathroom over the weekend and found an unopened box of OPK's ............. so what is a girl that has decided to quit TTC to do with them ............. why pee on them of course!!! Saturday, Sunday, Monday.....nothing. Did not surprise me since I was not taking any Femara. This morning - POSITIVE. I just about fell off the toilet! And where was DH you may ask - OUT OF TOWN! He will be back tonight, but I will be out. I know that by the time I get home, I will most likely be exhausted, but who knows. Of course there is still the issue of my overgrown uterine lining due to the extended Clomid use - but as of this moment in time, I am not feeling quiet so betrayed. My body is moving on and doing what it is supposed to :-)

Oh - - - and my parents are coming for the weekend. Like I really need that right now!

MRSA

As bad as I have been feeling lately about life in general, it has all been put on hold. Yesterday I won the "bad mother of the year" award. I had been putting stinkin' benedryl on a bump on DD's leg for a week now. Yesterday the bump grew, swelled and exploded. Do you know what it was...................STAPH infection!!!! The doctor actually said MRSA! She ended up having to be cut open last night to have the crud removed. I am still in shock! That stuff can kill you!!!! I am scared to death now that it is somewhere else inside of her and she is going to get sick, and sicker and die! All because I was too consumed by my own self pity to notice the bump was changing. Talk about a wake up call!

I am here

So much has changed for me in the last couple of weeks. I am really not sure where to start, so most of it may have to wait for a few more days while I still work on sorting it out in my head.

First and foremost is........SIL #1 is having her first ultrasound on Thursday. I am so excited for her to see her little bean(s). I have been fervently praying that all is well within her womb. She has been to this point before only to discover that it was an ectopic. She is still trying to stay low key about it all, but I know that deep down, she must be a bundle of nerves.

As for me..........I am in a survival mode right now. Life is super busy and even though I really need to take some time for me and get some things settled within myself, I just really don't have the time. I will only say right now, that I am no longer going to be TTC. There is a lot behind all of that, but if I try to go into it all right now, you will still be reading about it tomorrow. I will also ask for prayers............I am really struggling right now. Things in life have not worked out the way I had envisioned and I am .................. surviving!

And the drama continues....

Even though I have struggled with NOT being pregnant at the moment and struggling to even get that way, I am genuine in my happiness for SIL#1. This weekend, I took DD out and told her we needed to get a little gift for a baby. I didn't tell her what was going on (at her age, she isn't the best secret keeper), and she helped to pick out a cute little bear. It had some markings on it that were very appropriate to DD nickname. I wrapped it all up that night and made a nice card to go with it. Sunday when it was just DD, SIL#1 and I, I had DD give it to her. She opened it, thanked us, never opened the card and threw it all in the back seat. I thought that was a little weird, but went on. After about 10 minutes, she started asking me some pregnancy related questions and told me that she was trying to stay calm and not get her hopes up. Their first IVF attempt came back positive but ended up being an ectopic, so she was trying to just lay low. I completely understood. But I was still happy for her and wanted her to know that and to know that we were still praying and would continue to do so. After lunch, SIL#1 just got up and left. DD was heartbroken and SIL#3 thought she had said something or done something to offend her (she sometimes thinks the world revolves around her). That evening at the IL's house, my MIL cornered me wanting to let me know that SIL#1 was very upset that I knew what was going on. I was instructed to not repeat a word of any of it to anyone. WHAT~!~! The only reason I knew anything to begin with was because she had told us.............in the middle of a store!!!! I was livid! I stayed calm and told my her that I knew what was going on because she had told us. I had not been going around telling anyone (except on here and no one here knows me IRL). I told MIL to tell her that going forward, I was not going to ask her anything. She could come to me.

Imagine my surprise last night when SIL#1 actually called me to update me :-) Apparently MIL did not remember telling me anything last week (she is getting a tad bit forgetful in her old age), and kept insisting that I had to have gotten my info someplace else. SIL#1 knows that MIL's mind is not what it used to me and realized that she probably should not tell her anything until she is certain. (Is any of this making any sense?) Anyway......SIL#1 was tested again yesterday and her levels are up..............yippeeee!!!! She is going to test again on Friday and then they will schedule and u/s.

It was a success!

SIL#1 had her pregnancy test yesterday.............POSITIVE!!! She is pregnant!!! She is now scheduled to have an u/s in three weeks. After 3 rounds of IVF she if finally pregnant. I am now praying that nothing happens. After her first round, she tested positive and the next day discovered that it was ectopic. I am so incredibly happy for her. They have been married close to 20 years. Can you imagine having baby after being married that long??????

As you can see I am trying to remain upbeat. I AM very excited about her having a baby. I AM also incredibly sad that it isn't me. After 1 day I have already noticed that things are going to change. SIL #1 is my MIL's only daughter. Even though she already has grandchildren, it is going to be different with this child(ren). When I talked to her yesterday, she could hardly contain her excitement. She was soooooo not like that when I was pregnant (either time). It makes me sad for DD and her cousins. I pray that it doesn't show too much with them, but I am already scared that it will (and we have only known for 1 day).

I just took my last dose of Femara for this month. I bought a new box of OPT for be to begin with this weekend. I have had a horrible headache for 2 days now and I am just flat out in the dumps. Doesn't really make me want to attempt the business of conception (if you know what I mean). I feel like I am starting to become obsessed with having a baby. I have GOT to get a grip on all of this and find a happy medium. DH and I are starting to rub each other the wrong way and I know that most of it is ME!!!

Leslie...........how are you doing??? I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best!!! Still praying......

Sunny Day~

Today is a beautiful day............it is warm.......the sun is out........I feel like CRAP!!!

My OB told me to go ahead with the Femara, so I did. It is kicking my butt! I have been sick to my stomach, my head has hurt. I am crabby and ready to pick a fight in 5.2 seconds if you dare look at me the wrong way. I just want to sleep!

Haven't been talking to anyone, so I don't have to worry about other people (ie: so called friends) ticking me off. I even avoided a call from my parents. Right now, if I could, I would even avoid DH. (It is that bad)

We have been working at home trying to clean things out and get rid of a bunch of junk. It's official........I am a packrat! I admit that I do have a hard time getting rid of things, but when I do decide to get rid of stuff.........watch out!!! I am liable to get rid of you!!! :-) But we have worked for two days in the garage and still aren't done out there. I started cleaning the utility room last night, but didn't get that finished and DH started cleaning the kitchen, but he just picked things up moved them over, cleaned and moved them back.........so that's not finished either. Are you seeing a pattern here :-0 Tonight (after I go get that gray washed out of my hair), I need to go home and get busy. I think I will start in the kitchen and work my way back out into the garage.........that way I can at least listen to American Idol while I am working.

Oh.....had our taxes done yesterday. We have known the guy that does our taxes for YEARS!!! He asked about more kids for us and I told him about our miscarriage. He was very sympathetic and then when he found out it was in the first trimester..............he goes "Oh that's good. I'm glad it happened early on." WHAT!!!!! You have got to be kidding me! I almost burst into tears right then and wanted to smack the crap out of him. Now I remember why I don't tell people!

New week....big decisions

So far this week is starting out better. Except for the fact that I was supposed to call my OB back on Friday and I never did. I should have started the Femara yesterday, but since I never called the doc back....................And before I can start the Femara, I have to have a negative PG test. As of Saturday, it was still showing a faint positive. I called my doc today and I can start taking it tonight. So after work, I will head off to the pharmacy (where hopefully there won't be any problems like there was last month) and then I get to go home to pee on another stick to "hopefully" see a BFN. ( I NEVER thought I would think, much less type a sentence like that). If it is still positive there will be no Femara this month. This was supposed to have been my final month of actively attempting conception. So now, if it is a "no go" this month, I have to decide if I will continue to do this. I will already have the Femara (and it costs plenty), so we could attempt it again next month. I have also been toying with the idea of extending my self-imposed deadline by three months but I came up with this "end date" before I ended up pregnant last year. I really don't want to still be trying when I am in my 50's (slight exaggeration there!!!), in fact, I didn't want to still be trying while I was in my 40's, but there is where I am headed. If we continue for another 3 months, and I were to conceive and actually carry a baby to term, I would be giving birth right before my 40th birthday. Is that NUTS???? I thought it was crazy to have a baby in my mid 30's!!! Like I said............big decisions!

Talked with SIL#1 this week-end. She is doing well. They transferred 2 embryos and froze 2. She feels okay, but is having little twinges along with a raging cold and is constantly worried that she is going to cough or sneeze the embryos right out of her uterus. She is going to have a pregnancy test done on Thursday and if it is positive then she will have an u/s three weeks after that. It is amazing to me how I can be both so incredibly happy for her right now knowing that she has two little bundles of cells in her womb hopefully dividing like crazy, while at the same time so incredibly jealous for the exact same reason. I sooooooo wanted us to be pregnant together and our babies to be born around the same time. I sooooooooooo want her to be able to experience what I have with my DD. Pray!!! I just have to pray!!!!!

Update

I am officially NOT pregnant. But let me tell you the entire story.....

I had had some lab test run on Tuesday and when they were taking the like 3 vials of blood, I kept coming real close to passing out. I then had to go to the grocery and when I walked into the produce section which is followed by the seafood, I started to gag. That got me thinking.....so while I was in there I got another little stick to pee on. Got back to work and was going to wait until I got home, but patience has never been one of my virtues so I went ahead and took it. POSITIVE!!! Not a strong positive, but it was early. DH was out of town, so I decided to wait to say anything to him until I saw him. In the meantime, the dog was getting sicker and sicker and I had been trying to explain to DD that she might die and no longer be with us. Wednesday I came home and she was even worse, I took another test, and again BFP, but still not two dark lines. DH gets home and then he is busy with the dog and she ends up dying in our arms that night. I was so upset, I actually completely forgot about it. Thursday morning, I finally tell him that I think I might be pregnant, but it is early so I am not certain. The workday ends with the spotting and cramping and me trying not to freak out. Last night (still Thursday), I am giving DD a bath and the phone rings.....it is my doctor giving me the results of the lab tests he had run. I asked if there was any of the blood left and there was one vial. I told him about the pregnancy tests and he says he will call me right back. It was about an hour before he calls back. His office is in the hospital, so he has access to the labs right there at his fingertips. He ran the tests and my levels came back low. (by the way......my family doctor is also a friend, so I was hoping he would be able to do this for me) Since this blood was two days old he suggested that I have the test run today just to make sure. I called my OB this morning and was able to talk to him. He had me come in and did a quick ultrasound............there was nothing to see..............just an empty, useless, good for nothing uterus. So I opted not to have more blood drawn. I have to decide this morning if I am even go to go the Femara route this month or just let it go.

I am tired. I am sad. I am feeling worthless. Why can't my body do what it is supposed to????

I haven't heard from SIL#1 yet. The only one she is talking to right now is MIL and she really isn't telling her anything either. I guess I don't blame her. IVF is very personal, but I want to pray for specifics. Not that that really matters either, I can just pray!!!!

Horrible week.......getting worse!

*DD cut hair off
*Dog passed away
*BFP - (maybe things are looking up)

NOT!!!

I am now spotting and cramping. Either it was a false positve or I am having another miscarriage! The week isn't even over yet!

Your are kidding.....right?

My DD decided to cut her beautiful long hair!!! 8:30 Saturday morning I opened the bathroom door and discovered a bathroom covered in HAIR!!! An hour later (and many tears) we were at my hairdressers while she did what she could. I am still in shock over it. Luckily a small portion of her hair was pulled back on the top and she had not completely chopped it off yet, so even though the sides and a portion of the back (shown above) are gone, the hair that was left on the top is being used to cover up the lack of hair on the sides. It is going to take some creative hairstyling the next few months, but I know it will grow back. It was just said to see the hair that she had had since forever get cut off. But I will say....her new haircut makes her look more grown up *sniff, sniff*.

In other news...

with all the drama on Saturday, it was late before I realized that my stomach was no longer upset. Of course there are still no signs of AF, but I really wanted it to be pregnancy sickness and not stomach bug sickness. I'm beginning to think that whether I want to or not, Aunt Flo will be coming to stay at my house for a few days.

Leslie is having her transfer today and SIL#1 is having hers tomorrow. I'm going to be doing a lot of praying!

Wondering

Wednesday night at around 11:00 I started feeling really sick to my stomach. It continued the rest of the night and most of yesterday. Then I started feeling better but I had no appetite. The thought of food, just well, nauseated me. I began to have these sharp little pains in my belly along with an achenes and occasional nausea. That has continued through today. The only thing I have eaten today is a grilled cheese and some chocolate. AF should not arrive for another 7-9 days. I don't usually start feeling this crappy until a few days closer to AF's arrival (if at all). So then I start to wonder...............do I have a stomach bug?.......................or am I pregnant? I really wish a woman was able to have sex at the right time each month and within a few days be able to know for certain if there was a baby growing in her belly. Some people say that two weeks to wait really isn't all that long (and in the grand scheme of life it isn't), but when you go through this month after month after month for YEARS, it gets really old. I am tired of wondering. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I know for certain that I am not. This is not one of those times. There is a chance (although, I know with me, it is a slim chance - but it is still a chance). Therefore, I wonder.........and I want to know. I think it is going to be a very long week. I even said an odd little prayer this afternoon. For the Lord to send AF to me early if I am not. So that way I would not wonder anymore. But in that prayer I also ask the Lord for him to please keep AF otherwise occupied somewhere else for a long time :-)

Who has the time - Part 2

I gave in last night and returned a phone call to GF. I knew better....but I did it anyway. First thing after I say "Hi GF"....she goes...."let me call you right back".... and she did and then she did it again....three times!!! When we finally got to have an actual conversation (and I use that term loosely)....it was ALL about how she found this house that she thought she was going to love from the description, but saw pictures of it and didn't like the sink in the kitchen and when they drove by it, she thought it was an ugly house and heaven forbid if she lived in an ugly house. Quote from GF..."I can't have people drive up to my new bigger house and even though it has 5 bedroom and 3.5 baths and that huge bonus room think that the "B" live in an ugly house. If it comes down to that, we will just stay in the house we are in right now. I cannot stand houses that look like boxes!" You have got to be kidding me.....does she realize she just insulted me and a few of our friends with that statement!

Meanwhile...while this conversation is going on, I realize that I have inadvertently locked my DD and I out of our house. I said something a couple of times about it and you know what......got NO response!!! She was so into her house hunt for the perfect, beautiful house that she had no idea what was going on with other people besides herself. After this....I pulled one of her stunts and told her I needed to call her right back and hung up the phone. Needless to say, I have not called her back!

Why am I surprised about this....and why did I set myself up for this?!?!?! You would think I would know better by now. She knows what DH and I are going through, so I keep thinking she is a friend I need to stick with. I need to reevaluate that, don't you think?

Who has the time?

When you are dealing with IF and your life is measured in small increments while you are trying to keep everything straight so you don't miss "the day" when your little miracle might occur, and doing laundry, cooking and keeping a child entertained.............who has time for drama in someone else's life?? I don't! But it is beginning to feel like everyone wants to tell me everything that is going wrong with them! I have honestly started hitting that cute little "ignore" button on my phone when it rings (I am in love with that thing!). Then I listen to their voice mail at my leisure and I just reply to it (which means it just goes to their voicemail) and I never have to actually talk to them. Of course the downside to this, is I don't get a lot of actual adult contact these days, but I am okay with that.

My life is enough drama. And yes, I know that most of them do not know what is going on with me right now. I chose not to share with them and let them in to that part of my life. I just really don't want all of the questions.

I don't really have any other news right now. I am in the pitiful 2ww and I am having no symptoms either way right now. I should know for sure by St. Patty's day (if not sooner). I am trying to not get my hopes up. SIL#1 goes for her egg retrieval this week and the transfer will be the beginning of next week. I would love for us to be pregnant together. I know that it is going to be hard on both of us if one of us gets pregnant and the other one doesn't. I am certainly not saying that if I am not pregnant I don't want her to be pregnant. I just mean that it will be hard to watch another life being formed knowing that I am not also blessed. I felt that way when SIL#3 was pregnant and then when Sweet Girl was born, I wasn't even able to hold her (of course this was just days after I miscarried). I love that sweet baby to death, but I always think of what I lost when I am snuggling with her. I just don't want that to happen again. But this is SIL#1's third attempt at IVF and I really, really want it to work for her.

If you have a little time, say a little prayer for her and I both. And Leslie......I am praying for you this week! :-)

Just breath

That is what I am trying to do....breath! You might think that that is something that is easy to do and something that you shouldn't have to think about doing....it should just come naturally. And it does..............to those that don't have a head full of snot!!! Yes, my friends, that is where I am right now......in "snotland". I was coughing and having a sore throat along with no voice one minute and the next, my head was so full and the pressure so great I thought my head was going to blow!!! Needless to say, it did not, but I C.A.N.N.O.T. breath~!!!!

Finished my meds on Friday, ended up beyond nauseous from it, but fortunately, I never did develop the headaches like I did last month. Started peeing on those stupid sticks on Sunday, got the result I expected (negative) and went on with things. Monday night I peed again on a stick and when I went back to check it, I was shocked.....It didn't work it's way up to positive.....it was blazing positive. I started spinning around (and of course started coughing) and then realized that it didn't do any good because DH was.not.home!!! He was out of town and wouldn't be home until long after I should be asleep! I ended up falling asleep and didn't even hear him come in the house. Woke up in the morning and I felt better (as in I wasn't coughing as much and my voice was better), but when he woke up.....he was sick! This is where I said "You have GOT to be freakin' kidding me!!" Last night I tested again just to make sure.... Yup...POSITIVE!!! I was determined to drug ourselves up and to get busy!!!

But then...out of nowhere....my head fills up faster than the city dump and did I mention... I C.A.N.N.O.T. breath!!! So what is a woman that is rapidly approaching forty, who is struggling with IF and has been taking one form or another of fertility inducing drugs going on 3 years while in the midst of early menopause now to do..... I'll tell you what you do..... You do IT anyway. Was it enjoyable............uhmmmmmmm.......NO! But it was done! Now I just have to do IT again. For at least three more days (according to the doctor :-0 ). Maybe I will be able to breath tonight and it will at least me a bit more pleasant experience.

I will say that most months, if DH and I had been in this situation, it would have just been decided that this was not our month and we would try again next month. At one point I did think that and I started to cry, DH looked at me and thought I was crying because we weren't going to have sex. No, I was crying because I was trying to figure out if I could say goodbye to my dream of having another child. I think that was a turning point for him, because even though he also felt like crap that had been stomped on, he wasn't going to let it go. It just really wasn't an option in his mind. Later on while we were trying to get ourselves comfortable so we could sleep (which is difficult to do when you can't breath....especially when you lay down)....he asked me "So would this be a Christmas baby? A Christmas baby would be pretty cool." I just smiled and said no honey, it would be a Thanksgiving baby. He thought that was even better....something extra special to the thankful for this year.

So even though he and I have been in totally different places emotionally on this IF journey, it was wonderful to have been in the same spot on the same day at the same time. It was wonderful to have him pick me up when I was down and carry me for a bit on this journey. I don't have to let go of my dream yet and it is amazing to look over and see my dream in his eyes.

Yuck!

That is how I feel - Yuck!! I was finally able to get the rest of my prescription from the pharmacy late yesterday afternoon. It ended up being a big mess, because apparently, the script was called in correctly, they messed up, so it was tricky trying to get it all into the computer properly so I could pay the balance.

Last month, the first couple of days on the Femara, I was incredibly nauseous (it didn't seem to matter whether I ate or not) and I had horrible headaches for days. This time, I had a headache the first day (and I don't think it was related to the meds) and then I was fine....until last night. I have been sick to my stomach and cramping. Of course it doesn't help that I am trying to get sick. I have a cough and a bit of a sore throat. But when you haven't had any sleep in over a month and your DD has been sick that entire time, you are bound to get sick sooner or later.

Today and tomorrow and I am done for this month. Then it is up to my ovaries and DH's little guys to do their job. And is anyone but me getting really really tired of peeing on sticks!?!?!?!

Not meant to be???

That is the question I have been asking myself since yesterday evening. When I got off of work, I went over to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I paid for it and thought at the time that it should have been twice the amount they had me pay, but I was in a hurry and needed desperately to do some food shopping so we could eat dinner and DD would be able to eat in the morning. Not to mention, I was trying to get all this done before I went to pick her up. I went and got my groceries and got them unloaded and while I was waiting to pay I pulled out the prescription and looked....2.5 mg....take 1 tab.....WHAT!!! I was supposed to have 5.0 mg!!! I looked at my watch, but it was too late to call the doctor's office. I paid for my groceries and went back to the pharmacy, but they couldn't do anything.

So, first thing this morning, I called and spoke with the head nurse (she was off last week) and she apologized for the mix-up, but said she would call and have it ready by lunch. So I don't go out to eat with everyone else, instead I go back to the pharmacy and would you believe....they don't have it!!!! I am stunned and somewhat dismayed! I get some lunch, come back to work and I just call over there to see if they have it yet (it is almost 4:00 p.m.).....they don't! I sit back in my chair. I am really not sure how I feel except that I am now wondering if the good Lord is trying to tell me that this is not the way for me to be going. I call over to the doctor's office again and she tells me that she will not be able to get the prescriptions done for another 45 minutes. Then I would have to wait at least 20 minutes for the pharmacy to put the little pills in a bottle, print a label and do their paperwork. Which means I will probably not be able to get them today either. DH is supposed to be out tonight so I have to get DD picked up early tonight (since I was late yesterday). This is so frustrating!!! I went ahead and took 5.0 mg last night and I will be able to tonight, but I HAVE to get that prescription tomorrow!!

I woke up this morning with a killer headache that was bad enough to make my eyelids swell almost shut. Boy that was pretty. Luckily, I took some Advil and it eventually (along with the caffeine) worked and I am feeling okay now. I am actually hoping that it is just allergies that are bothering me and it's not the Femara. I really want this to work this time...really....really...really!

Day 3

I had not realized that it had been a week since I had posted. It was a horrible week last week. I knew what was coming....I knew I could not stop it....yet, I prayed, and I hoped, and I prayed some more. Friday the 13th - it happened. Aunt Flo came barging in and didn't even knock first.

I was supposed to have called the doctor to let him know when (or if) I ovulated. I kept putting it off. I finally called Friday. Not 15 minutes after I got off the phone with him......I thought "I don't feel good." Went to the restroom...........and there she was! It had already been a pissy morning, and the day just did not get any better.

So today, I have to pick up my next round of Femara. And start taking it tonight. He is increasing the dosage. I can only imagine what it is going to do to me. I only just started feeling like a human again this past week after last month. I am nervous about it too. I didn't ovulate last month, I had horrible headaches, I was nauseous, I was incredibly moody. I didn't like people. I had already decided that I was going to be done with ALL of this by spring. Knowing that it didn't work last month, I am really nervous about trying it again (and in larger doses) this month. I am praying..........
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In other news, DD has been sick and I took her to the doctor last week. He has put her on a double round of antibiotics. She has now become the spawn of Satan!! She can go from being a sweet girl to completely irrational in 5.2 seconds. It is going to be a very long couple of weeks :-( And DH is going to be out of town some. GREAT!!!!

GF has once again fallen off the face of my planet. We were actually speaking to each other quiet a bit and then all of a sudden, she rushes off the phone one day and says "I'll call you back in 5 minutes!!".....that was 5 days ago! Why am I surprised!

Work is ...... work. It has been pretty quiet and I am trying to lie low. CW#1 & #2 are behind closed doors alot and I really don't want to get in the middle of things. I also am beginning to think that CW#3 may soon be unemployed. There are some people around here (me included) that need to mind their p's and q's (like, for example...not spending time blogging when there is work to be done :-) )

Hope you ladies managed to have a nice V-day on Saturday. We didn't do anything special. We spent the day together as a family. We purchased a new large entertainment center for the living room, we went and had a nice late lunch at a nice restaurant (yes, we did take DD with us), and we went to the mall and walked around and did some shopping. I bought nothing, but DD and DH made out like bandits :-) Then we went home and watched TV and played with DD till she went to bed.

Have a great week!

Waiting

Why do I always feel like I am waiting for Aunt Flo to show up? Why do I feel like my life revolves around her? Why do I feel like I am living my life in 2 week increments? Oh yeah....because I am!!! It is getting old!

I have mentioned before how tired I am of all of this. I think about it constantly. I really think that in another couple of months I am going to be done with this. But then again I think about having to give up the "dream". I don't know if I am actually ready to give up the "dream" yet. DH says he will do whatever I want. The decision is mine. I will be doing a lot of praying!

No words...

I received a phone call today from DH telling me that a friend of ours is pregnant. I was speechless.

She got married about 7 years ago to a man that was about 15 years older than her. He had been divorced twice and had two kids, both of whom wanted nothing to do with him. She didn't get pregnant right away, so they began fertility treatments and they worked very quickly. She had a beautiful little girl. When their DD was about 2 they started having marital problems, he had started drinking again (apparently he is an alcoholic) and became violent. She left him and moved home and finally last year (their daughter is almost 6 now) she divorced him. Due to all the trauma and drama, her DD has had a lot of emotional issues (completely understandable). They don't even know where her ex-husband is at this point - either in jail or homeless. I asked her once (while they were still married, before I knew about all of the problems) if she would ever have another baby. She told them that she would never put herself and her body through all of that again due to all the problems she had not only getting pregnant but while she was pregnant (mind you, she got pregnant after her first round of Clomid).

She has dated a little and had recently told us about some guy she had met on the internet. The next thing I know is she is telling my DH that she is now about 7 weeks pregnant. Apparently, when they finally met IRL they hit it off and got a little busy.
It just amazes me that for someone that has been through what she has and has a child to take care of could be so irresponsible. It also amazes me that for someone that never wanted to get pregnant again would be so irresponsible. And I will admit to some jealousy I guess. I just cannot believe that she is having a baby and I am not. She lives with her parents, she has a job that doesn't pay the bills, she has an abusive ex-husband that doesn't pay child-support and has been known to just show up and go a little crazy. I am married, we own our home, we both have decent jobs. I am back to asking why. Why would God allow her to have another child, but I cannot. I know he has a plan - I just really would like to know what it is. I hate feeling this way. I hate it. I want to be happy for her, but I am having a hard time. DH says I should call her, but I just can't. I don't even know what I would say. I can't say "Congratulations!! I am sooo happy for you!." Because I am not happy for her. Isn't that awful!

Apparently I had some words after all. :-( When all is said and done, I do hope for the best for her, she still has a young child at home and now another on the way.

Nope - not this month!

It never happened! I never got that second dark line. I guess I didn't ovulate. I cannot believe how absolutely "bummed" I feel (for lack of a better word). It is like another little portion of that dream has been killed......again.

SIL #1 told me yesterday that she started with her shots this past week. It took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about. Then it hit me............I asked her if she was doing the Lupron injection and she is. They are going to try IVF again. I am so happy for them. I would love it if her and I could be pregnant at the same time. But even more so, I would love for them to be able to have at least one sweet little bundle of their own. I am praying really hard.

Had a great weekend, but this week is going to be a killer. DD is still sick and neither one of us got much sleep last night. She is going to be a real joy tonight :-) DH is going to be away a lot this week, but I am looking forward to some mommy/daughter time. I actually got away Saturday with some girlfriends and went and saw a movie - WOW!! That doesn't happen very often.

Talked to GF last night, but it was really all about her rough she had it this weekend. You know, I really didn't want to hear it, so as soon as I could I got off the phone and I still haven't called her back. Guess I am going to have to work myself up to listen to round two of her "woe is me" tale.

When will it finally happen?

I am on CD16. I have been using those stupid test strips for 6 days now. Still not ovulating. I have a faint second line, but I need them to both be dark. Of course I figure that will happen tonight and DH is out of town. I was supposed to go with him, but the weather is bad so we decided I should just stay home with DD.

I have noticed another side effect of the Femara. My libido is pretty much non-existent. This is not a good thing when you need to make a baby. I am hoping if I ever ovulate, that something will kick in and I will be a little more "into" it (if you get what I mean).

Since I am with out a hubby tonight along with SIL#3 we are supposed to get together so the kids can play. Another friend called this morning and her hubby is going to be working tonight and she wants to get together too. We were pregnant together so her youngest is the same age as my DD. So I could end up having a really great night tonight and if I don't, DD will :-)

All of this baby making stuff is really starting to get to DH and I. It was really bothering me, and I remembered that it happened when we were trying to get pregnant the first time. It got so bad we ended up separating for almost two months. Of course that was after about 3 years of trying and it ended up being another 4 years before I got pregnant with DD. It has been 3 years since we started trying again and even though I did get pregnant, we miscarried so we still don't have another baby in the house. Unfortunately, I am not getting any younger and I really don't have another 4-5 years to do this. So I think that we are only going to give it another couple of months and then we are done. I never wanted to have only one child. I was an only child and I always said I wouldn't do that. Obviously, the Lord may have other plans for us.

Well, January is all but over. I wonder what February will bring?

New Week, New Day, New Beginning

Last week was the week when my sweet angel was supposed to enter the world. I made it through the day by staying incredibly busy and getting hugs from DD whenever I could. The next day I woke up and decided that I just really didn't want to face people, so I called into work and spent the day with my DD. Went and had lunch with SIL #3, Wild Child and Sweet Girl. Survived the weekend in pretty much the same manner.

Driving along today at lunch it hit me. I am supposed to be at home on maternity leave snuggling with my new baby. I am supposed to have a big flabby belly, my feet should still be swollen and my nipples should be sore from breastfeeding. Instead I have been at work and out running errands. I just want to cry. Nobody wants to see me cry. So I will continue to hold it in. For now.

Finished my first round of Femara. I have had a MAJOR headache every day since the second dose. I have been nauseous when I eat and nauseous when I don't. I have been pretty moody, but I don't really know if you can attribute that to the drugs or just to me :-) I started the OPK test strips yesterday. Negative. This is when I ovulated with DD. I guess I am just ovulating later (if at all). Time will tell. I am soooooo tired. I want another baby, but I am getting to the point where I am having to make myself do this every month. It is not fun and I am pretty sure that DH is not having a good time either.

Saw GF over the weekend. Actually, I have seen her at some point the past two weekends. It was kinda weird. I really have no use for that relationship anymore, but it was good to see her. DH feels that she just uses me when it is convenient for her and he is probably right. I need to quit worrying about this relationship. I need to just quit. I need to take it for what it is. But she was a friend that I thought would understand some of what I am going through. She struggled to get pregnant. She had a miscarriage. She has two children. It only took her 6 months each time with fertility drugs to get pregnant. I think I have decided that she really doesn't get it. She got it up to the point that she had a problem - she took drugs. She doesn't get that it was a 7-8 year struggle the first time and a 2 1/2 year struggle the second time (only to have a miscarriage) and it has now been 7 months and still no pregnancy. It sucks!!! Enough about that!!

I have two followers now!!! I have no idea who these people are, but they are reading this. So welcome! I tend to ramble on, but since this is my blog, I can do that. Feel free to comment, tell me what you are thinking. I would love to get to know each of you better.

New day

I am doing better on this cold and snowy Monday. I have been dreading this week, but so far, I am feeling so much better than I was last week. I did have a dream last night that I got to hold my sweet angel. It is an image that I have managed to keep in my head all morning. Peace. That is what it has given me. No....that is what He has given me. I pray that it continues.

Took my first Femara yesterday. So far the only thing has been when I ate this morning, I got nauseous. But it wasn't too bad. It was a little freaky to open up the bag yesterday and pull out the insert and the first sentence read something like "for treating breast cancer patients". Really made me stop and think about it.

DD is sick again. We just finished her antibiotic last week. I don't really want her another round of so we are trying to just treat it ourselves this time. So far, so good! Have a good week - and Happy Monday!

Will it ever stop....

....hurting??? While giving DD a bath last night I had to go pee. Only to discover that Aunt Flo had snuck in the door. I had not had any PMS symptoms - NONE! But then again, I hadn't really felt any pregnancy ones either. But the pain of once again not being pregnant struck. I made it through the evening last night. I even slept fairly well. Didn't really think about it at all. Made it through the early morning routine. Then it hit. I am supposed to be in my final week of my pregnancy. Still I was doing okay. Not great. But okay.

DH took DD today, so I drove into town by myself today. 25 minutes alone. Usually I love this. But about 5 minutes into the drive, I just started to cry. I cried the whole way to work (so now I look like I have a really bad cold). When I had the miscarriage, I was devastated, but I honestly thought that I would get pregnant again quickly. When that didn't happen, I just knew that I would be pregnant again by the time my due date rolled around. I thought - "God knows how much I want this. He will take care of me and He won't let that day pass with out another baby in my tummy." Well, God does know how much I want this. God does take care of me. But obviously, it was not in his plan for me to have another child yet. But it still hurts!

And then I wonder - when does it stop. I have kept track of this entire "pregnancy" like my body was still pregnant. I didn't have it written down, I never counted the weeks, but I knew! I knew when I was supposed to be 20 weeks along. I knew when I should have hit that 32 week mark. And I know that I should be giving birth any day now. So ...... in a month, am I still going to be going "I should have a newborn now. I should have a six week old now. I should be preparing for her first birthday."? When does it stop???

And then to top it off. I heard from the OB's office yesterday. According to the labs I had done, it appears I "may" have been pregnant last month. Why did they tell me that!!!??? And what do they mean by "may have been"? I knew that my cycle was really different last month, but I never took a test, so I didn't really know. And after doing all of my research on Femara and reading some of the new studies on Clomid, I have discovered that Clomid over time and cause the uterine lining to thin, thereby not able to sustain a pregnancy. So in other words, in trying to have a baby, I may have now made my body unable to have a baby. See it just gets better and better.

Tick Tock

According to the calendar, Aunt Flo should arrive tomorrow. But I am expecting her to be late. Since I discovered that I ovulated late, I am not expecting her to show up until Friday or Saturday. So far, I really am not having any symptoms either way. I really feel no different than I did a week ago. (except that I am not sleeping well and I ache from head to toe).

I did some more research on Clomid vs. Femara. I am liking the fact that the Femara has a lower dose of estrogen and it really doesn't seem to have any different side effects than Clomid. But it still bothers me that it is a drug that is used primarily for Chemo patients. I have been on and off of the Clomid for almost 2 years now. DH made his first ever comment regarding the drugs and my state of mind. I knew it was affecting me, but I had really started to think that maybe I was controlling it and hiding it pretty well. Apparently not, he was just kind enough to not say anything. So the clock it ticking, I am waiting, patiently for now. I am not expecting to see a BFP this month, but I am, as always, hopeful. If Aunt Flo does arrive, then I guess I will be having a little date with the new guy, Femara.

On a side note::::CW#1 is in all her glory this week (and last). She is talking behind every one's backs and thinks that no one notices. I actually don't think that CW#2 does notice. She just thinks that CW#1 really needs her and trusts her with all this 'valuable' information. NOT!!! A couple of years ago, this situation got REALLY bad and I came very close to leaving. But I decided that that was not the answer. I needed to show my daughter that you don't run from adversity, but you face it head on (with your head up) and fight! It was a very long and lonely time for me at work, but I came through it (actually, I think that God brought me through it). It is starting to feel very similar to that again. But again, I will not leave! Now if it were ever possible for me to become a SAHM, I would walk out of here in a heartbeat, but for now, I will stay. And I will continue to vent on here when the need to yell arised :-)

So hard

Had my annual visit with my OB-Gyn today. Didn't really think much about it. I go every year right after the first of the year. But as I walked through the door, all I could think about was the last time I was in there. And they told me I was losing my baby. They were very compassionate though and they did kinda hurry me through there and I was able to get out quickly. He is putting me on Femara (I think that is how it is spelled) instead of Clomid. I am going to have to do some more research on it. Unfortunately, since I was so upset while I was there, I didn't really ask the appropriate questions. I think I am going to have to make a list and give them a call next week.

Could it be?

I have not been feeling good for a couple of days. So obviously, my mind starts to wonder....could it be because this time I am actually pregnant? Or could it be because of the evil Clomid that a lot of the time it seems to mimic pregnancy symptoms. I hate that stuff!!! My patience is incredibly short today and CW#1 is riding it hard! Her crisis is apparently supposed to be my emergency and it really isn't. There are way more important things that what she is needing.

Yesterday morning, I found out that a guy I know (actually I know his wife more) unexpectedly passed away. He was very young. Had been married I think for 11 years and they have 2 small children. He was in the hospital to have some heart tests run and died in his hospital bed of a heart attack while on the phone. It is still not quiet sinking in that this has happened. So on the grand scale of things......a lot of what is going on really doesn't matter. So why do I let it get to me?

I am praying that by the end of next week, I will have that BFP. A girl that I know that had a miscarriage a couple of weeks after I did just announced that she is almost 2 months along. I am very happy for her, but very sad and even a little angry at the same time. I am soooo sick of feeling this way. Why is so easy for some people to have children (and I am NOT saying that it was easy for her), and then there are those of us that for whatever reason, just can't!

Only 6 days in

It is only January 6th, but already I feel like January has gone on forever!! I have been so stinkin' busy that surely everything that has gone on can't have happened in only 6 days. January is turning out to be even busier than December was. How on earth is that possible??? Isn't January when you are supposed to wind down from the hectic hub-bub of the holidays? Guess not!!!

Well, we are six days into the new year, and I still have not talked to the parents. I sent them pictures from when they were here, and I got an e-mail from mom thanking me. Still haven't talked to Gf either. And I am no longer stressing over it. It is what it is and I think that is all it will ever be. We are going to be at a couple of the same functions this month, but by that point, it will have been over two months since we have seen each other. I even still have Christmas gifts for her kids at home. Can't get them to her because she will never call me back.

Another interesting note about myself....I am not stressing this month during my 2ww. I usually am already counting out the days and wondering if each little symptom I may be experiencing means I'm pregnant. I guess I just am not really expecting it even though it seems to have worked out better this month.

Today is January 6th. It is 2 weeks and 1 day until my EDD for my sweet angel. I really struggled during the holidays with this, but I have been praying so much lately and I am beginning to feel some peace. I have been dreading January for months now. I also thought I would be pregnant again by now. But for the last couple of days, I have been doing okay. Not great. But okay. I still look down and think I should be looking at an incredibly large belly. And in a flash I get really mad and really angry - and then I get sad and I am okay. Sadness I can handle, but the anger was really getting to me. I don't want to be angry at God. I know he can handle it, but I also know that it just hurts!!! I want my baby back!!! There I said it!!! It almost makes me cry....okay I am crying...but that's okay. I am okay!!! I better go now before I am not okay!

Look out 2009!!

I am so ready for a new year. 2008 just wasn't the year it was cracked up to be. What I had thought was going to be a wonderful year.......quite frankly.......sucked. There was tons of drama among the IL's family. We lost our sweet angel. The relationship with the parents has gone down the toilet. Relationship with GF is also down the toilet. Financially, we are not where we need to be. Our house is in dire need of some repairs/upgrades. I have been unable to get pregnant again. (which is probably what makes the year so crappy!)

The parents.....it has been really strained with them for a while now, but I had made several attempts. I went and visited them a couple of times. I phoned. But finally it hit me. I was doing all of this. The only time the mother would phone was if she was out shopping and needed to ask a question. The dad would phone occasionally, but then again, I had always been a daddy's girl. Finally I refused to go visit them during the holidays. It had been TWO years since they had come our way. If they wanted to see us and DD they were going to have to come here. I did cave in and finally asked them to come for Christmas. And they did!!! I was shocked! But after the first day, I was ready for them to leave. It was just uncomfortable and I really could not explain why. They did end up leaving early and I was soooo okay with it. And except for the phone call when they arrived home, I have not talked to them since. This was the first year of my life that I did not speak to my parents on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day or New Years Eve. I realized I had always been the one to do the calling. They can call me.

GF.....I did try to call her. She wasn't home so I spoke with her DH. She never called me back. Not surprising really, but very disappointing. I am so wanting to just end it, but our kids are friends so I may not be able to completely dismiss it. However, I am going to figure out a way where I am not at her beck and call like I have been the last couple of years.

Baby.....I took a small dose of Clomid and then realized that my parents were going to be here when I was supposed to be ovulating. I went ahead and tested anyway, but it was negative. I was not surprised but very disappointed. On a whim, I tested the day my parents left (since they left early) and there was a slight positive....OMG!!! I had been ovulating so early that I was shocked! Finally on day 15 I got a BIG positive. So I am thinking that those few months where I didn't think I was ovulating, I may have been ovulating late. So I guess technically, I am in the 2ww, but since I have been ovulating I think I will be late.......hopefully I will be 9 months late :-)

So for 2009, I wish for better relationships.....with the IL's, with the parents, friends. I wish for some stability financially that we are able to make some improvements to our home and if the Lord sees fit this year, I would really like to take a REAL vacation. I also am praying for a baby. This is my last chance. If I don't have a baby this year, my DD will be an only child. I am not going to continue to put myself, my husband and my DD through this anymore.

So what are you wishing for this year?